“Is this it?” Brody asks me quietly, pulling up in front of my house and killing the engine. I nod at him, feeling the awkward tension rise between us.
“Yeah. About before. . . “I trail off, fiddling with the hem of my gym top. I feel bad for being blunt to Brody despite it not being intentional. He doesn’t treat me like an outcast and he doesn’t act like I’m invisible yet I can’t seem to trust him, not yet.
“Don’t mention it,” Brody interrupts me, tapping away at his steering wheel. I unbuckle my seatbelt and clear my throat before opening the car door.
“Thank you for the ride.” I mumble, stepping out of the car into the cold night air.
“See you around,” Brody smiles softly before staring straight ahead. He starts up his car and I wave at him half heartedly, watching as he zooms down the street. A feeling of disappointment settles inside me watching his car disappear and I let out a long sigh before turning and heading to the front door. I open the front door quietly, not wanting to bring attention to myself. It squeaks open, filling the silenced hallway with noise and I shut my eyes hoping Dad or Jedd don’t hear me.
“Bella?” Too bad.
“Yes dad?” I answer him, stepping inside and shutting the door behind me with a loud bang.
“Where have you been?” Dad asks me, stepping out of the kitchen with a frown on his face. I point at my outfit in a ‘isn’t it obvious’ way but Dad doesn’t seem to notice.
“The gym.” I respond, taking my trainers off and leaving them by the stairs. “You go to the gym?” His eyebrows shoot up in surprise.
“Yes I go to the gym. Is it that much of a shock?” I mumble, my feelings hurt.
“N-no, that’s. . . Good Bella.” Dad stutters, unable to form a straight sentence together. He gives me a small smile and I mirror it back, standing on the first step of the stairs.
“Your dinner is in the oven, it’s one of your favourites. Pie and mash.” Dad says, signalling in the direction of the kitchen. Despite not having much of an appetite, I smile at him, the small act of kindness making me feel slightly better. I step off the stairs and walk up to him, reaching up before wrapping my arms around him.
“Thanks Dad,” I whisper. I don’t think he realises how much it means to me, especially today. He doesn’t say anything but embraces me back tightly. I hold onto him longer than usual, his presence bringing comfort to me. When I pull back, I gesture at the kitchen.
“I’ll go get it now and head to bed. Goodnight Dad.” I murmur, my voice heavy with emotion. Dad nods his head, heading for the stairs –
“Goodnight Bella.”
I watch him walk up the stairs, his calming presence disappearing. As I walk to the kitchen, a massive wave of loneliness washes over me and I pause midway, feeling overwhelmed. The lack of family and friend’s surrounding me begins to take its toll now more than ever. I’m a stranger to feeling lonely and hopeless, I’ve been trapped
my entire life. The thing about loneliness is that it’s like sitting in a dark room, surrounded by thousands of people but feeling like you’re invisible to every single one.
Loneliness consumes your entire being, it controls your soul and your mind. Every single day I feel like I’m walking down a road with no direction, scared and not knowing when it will end. Some people say they are most afraid of the Unknown. My biggest fear is living the rest of my life consumed by the devil named loneliness.
I felt like my existence in this world is insignificant. I am an empty shell of a human going through the same repetitive motions day after day after day. . . I’m not really living.
I want to feel the wind carelessly run through my hair. I want to experience true happiness where you smile so big and wide, it hurts your cheeks but you simply cannot stop. I want to be surrounded by happiness and positive friends. I want to kick loneliness in the backside and have it gone forever.
I want myself to love life.
*****
The second I enter school, I feel every single pair of eyes on me. Some students begin pointing and laughing whilst others simply stare, sympathy flashing through their eyes. I immediately feel my throat dry out and I look around wide eyed, surely this is a nightmare?
“Hey Mute!” Someone yells out loud in the crowd and I snap my head in their direction, landing on a group of boys a year below me who were acting out the treadmill scene. One of them falls to the floor and the others erupt into laughter, the sound taunting my ears. I immediately feel tears prick my eyes and I cover my ears with my hands before running away from them in the opposite direction. My cheeks burn with flames in mortification, I’ve never been so humiliated in my life. I barge past groups of people, ignoring their annoyed protests.
It isn’t long before my vision is completely blurred by tears and I’m sobbing, my chest heaving painfully. I ignore the stares as I push open the girls bathroom door, slamming it against the wall. I immediately lung for the first free bathroom stall and lock it behind me, falling to the grimy dirt filled floor. My hand covers my mouth as I sob, my cries muffled.
The entire school knows.
I’ve survived four long years in high school without ever being noticed but now Beatrice has turned me into a laughing stock overnight. No doubt the entire school knows about my humiliating gym incident which means that I’ve become the school’s latest gossip topic.
Beatrice’s bully victim.
I felt completely powerless with lack of control over the whole situation. I don’t have a single soul to turn to, not one shoulder to cry on. I grip onto the strands of my hair and tug in frustration, not caring about the pain that curses through my scalp.
I’m not invisible anymore but instead I’m visible for all the wrong reasons.