33

It’s been 24 hours since James’s death. Aiden and Amelia were fast asleep. They didn’t bother to ask about James. Yes, they were little and naive but something about everything just added up and made them less inquisitive about the obvious.
Justin decided to stay and grieve with me. The least he could do was pay his last respect by honoring the dead. They didn’t get along well but Justin still was human with feelings.
I was numb and dumb for hours. I barely spoke a word to anyone. All I did was sit by my bed, grieve, and Blame myself for James’s death.
I curled myself up with my head buried in between my legs by my bed. I was cold. My legs were shivering and my Palms were Freezing. The cool winter breeze that came in through the opened window ran down my spine and gave me goosebumps all over. I enjoyed the discomfort and the freezing weather.
My pain and discomfort were nothing compared to what James had felt that afternoon.
I was struggling to adapt to the weather when I instantly felt the warmth of the room all over me. I raised my head and saw Justin standing by the window with the curtains drawn.
“It was cold in here and you were cold.”
After listening to all Justin had to say with explanations of his actions, I simply went back to my shell.
He came closer to where I was seated and took a seat beside me on the floor.
“Hey, Isabelle…..”
“When are you going to stop blaming yourself for all that has happened? ”
“You have no hand in this. ”
I raised my head slowly with an unbelievable smirk. ”
“It’s not my fault?”
“It’s not your fault Isabelle .”
“It is not my fault? I dragged you all into this mess.”
“It’s not my fault? I dragged Aiden and Amelia into this, they got kidnapped. ”
“It’s not my fault? I almost killed your sister Justin.”
“It’s not my fault? So it isn’t my fault that James took that bullet for Mre that evening?”
It isn’t my fault right then why am I the root cause of all of this?
“Tell me, Justin. ”
“Why I ju… just want an answer ”
“Isabelle…. You didn’t cause any of this. ”
“James….. would…..”
“James what?” I stood up and stared at him. I didn’t have enough patience to listen to his soothing words. I didn’t want to listen to anything Anyone had to say. So many thoughts ran through my head. The last thing I wanted was sympathy. All I wanted was the truth.
“Wasn’t Justin being honest enough?”
“You never liked James.”
“You never did ”
Aren’t you happy now?
“James is gone. He is dead. ”
“You can have me now. ”
“James is dead Justin ”
“What?”Justin stood up and came up to me.
“What? Isn’t that the truth?”
“You wanted James out of the way and now he is gone. Aren’t you happy?”
“Why are you acting sympathetic?”
“Don’t you dare Isabelle?”
“Can you hear yourself? ”
“Yes, I never liked James but that was because I saw you too together. ”
“I will never wish death on him.”
“I understand you are hurting but that doesn’t mean you can go around accusing everybody for something so despicable. ”
“You know, you are right ”
“I can go about blaming people for James death ”
Justin came closer and touched my arms carefully and tenderly.
“I’m sorry James had to go like this.”
“You need to understand that all this isn’t your fault.”He said to me in a soothing tone. I blamed him for everything but he still didn’t pick an offense.
“We need a break.” I gazed into his eyes as my words came out without a break.
“Wh…. What are you talking about? ”
“We just need a break, Justin ”
“I think you should stay away from me and the kids for now.”
“I can’t handle this. ” As I spoke to him, my heart broke into a million pieces. I could feel the pressure and the pain in my chest.
Our Relationship all over again was over before it even had the time to blossom.
He gradually withdrew his hands. Gazing at his eyes, I could tell how hurtful those words, my words sounded to him. I saw Justin take a few steps back, I saw disbelief in his eyes. If I wished I could turn back the hands of time a bit behind them maybe I would have controlled my tongues from spitting those words.
I didn’t want to lose Justin just like I lost James but I couldn’t help it.
I did need space but Justin was my safe space. Yet I wanted space for my thoughts and my mind.
Scared by emotions and stuck in confusion.
“I’m… I’m sorry. ”
He left without saying a word to me. I wanted space and time to grieve and pull myself together, he gave me but why did my heart hurt so bad? Why was I struggling to breathe? Why did I feel suffocated by my emotions?
It was what I wanted, wasn’t it?
I fell to the ground helplessly and watched Justin walk out of my room without looking back. My tears rolled down my face. The teardrops from my eyes couldn’t measure up to the pain my heart felt …..
I was broken. Heartbroken and devastated.
This was It.
Maybe I didn’t deserve love, maybe pain was my companion…..
Maybe.
******
It’s been Two weeks since Justin and I separated.
Two weeks of no communication, two weeks of immense pain. Two weeks without James and two weeks of continuous questions from Aiden and Amelia.
I was on the brink of depression and I knew I had to do something before I gave in completely.
In those two weeks, I lost my job due to my absence Without proper permission.
I was working tirelessly to get another job so I could keep up with my bills and it felt like nothing was working out for me.
After a long search and applying for jobs here and there, both online and offline, I was exhausted.
I walked into a bar. “PARADISE ” So it was called.
The room was dimly lit, the chatter and the laughter of the men in the room, both the drunk and the slightly drunk. The strip pole at the center of the room, the cool soothing music that played behind the counter, everything did feel like paradise. Maybe it was just what I needed, I thought. Something to clear my head.
I Walked up to the bar front and took my seat on one of the stools. The bartender came up to me With a smile.
“What can I offer you ?”
A shot of cocktail, please. I ordered.
While he was making my drink available, I took a look around the room. The strip pole was now occupied by a dancer. So skilled and seductively she danced. The men in the room kept cheering and hailing the young ladies. Some threw money while others threw shades and blew kisses.
“Here ” the hoarse voice of the bartender brought me back.
“Thanks. ” I collected my drink and threw it down my throat at once.
“Another,” I ordered.
He nodded and was about to get me another when I noticed a young lady walking up to me. She was dressed in jeans pants and a polo. Her hair was stacked up and she had a tattoo on her wrist. She was beautiful, with her well-caved eyebrows, her half-red lips, her slender model-like body, her pierced ears, and lastly her pointy nose.
Beautiful.
Daring yet innocent she looked. I saw approaching and then looked away.
“You seem to be interested in my girls.” She said as she took a seat beside me.
“Huh?” I replied to her confused.
“My girls.”
“The strippers?” I asked curiously.
“The entertainers. ”
“I call them entertainers.”
She said. Her voice was calm and soothing. Her looks were nothing like her voice.
“Oh…”
“You see they make cool cash.”
“Just by dancing and entertaining our guests.”
“It’s better than a 7 to 9 job you know. ” She said with a convincing smile on her face.
As she was talking, the bartender served my drinks and she signaled him to bring hers.
Without mentioning what she wanted, the bartender served her a shot of Tequila. It seemed like she was a frequent quest there.
“Boss” He dropped her drink.
Boss? I wondered in silence. Trying not to appear curious but the puzzled look on my face gave me away.
“I own the bar and those girls over there work under me.”
“I hope that feeds your curiosity”
I picked up my drink, she did too and we both drank at once.
“Strong,” She said with a frown.
I didn’t reply to her. Not her previous words or her current ones. I just wanted to enjoy my company and that was it. I didn’t want any company.
“I again turned to the entertainers as she called them.”
“They get paid per hour. ”
“Enough money to cover up a white-collar job salary.”
If you are so interested in their moves, why don’t you be one yourself? She suggested.
I turned to her, scoffed, and shook my head.
“The pay is quite intriguing but no, I can’t. ”
“Why not? ”
“You have a pretty face and body men would gladly lay their lives for ”
“Perhaps you are scared of your identity being revealed, I can work something out”
“All those girls have different names when it comes to my bar. ”
“You can also notice the mask, top security. ”
“Nobody dares take them off.”
“So you see, you can be safe here.”
“Not to forget, the pay is worth the risk.” She added.
“You could be my best one.”
“Luxury With Less Struggle”
“Isn’t that amazing?”
I was in desperate need of an income yes but stripping? It was the last thing I was going to do.
Her offer was intriguing and convincing which had Me thinking otherwise. I could really use the money but then was it worth it? …..
“So what do you say ?”
Yes or pass?
Think it through….