“They won’t hurt me. They aren’t strong enough to kill me,” I tell him, but he eyes me carefully.
I have been on these pills for three years now. I know what I can handle and have taken more than the prescribed dose before. They just make me sleepy and numb. I may be many things but never suicidal. Although I have considered it, I would never do it because it will imply that he still has control after all these years. Even though he is dead, I will never give him the satisfaction of knowing that he destroyed me.
Walking up the stairs, I head for the bathroom, wanting to shower. Orion is following me up as he always does. He usually sits on the sink watching me, or sometimes he hops in. I am comfortable in his presence and find him being near relaxing. I can’t explain it.
Orion tries saying it is the bond. I feel comfortable around Thaddeus and Ryland now, but with Orion, I feel safest. Stripping off, I turn the water on and hop in. Only instead of Orion, Thaddeus, and Ryland step into the shower. I look at them, worried. I know they won’t hurt me, yet Thaddeus always makes me feel uneasy, and Ryland’s eyes always roam, making me feel uncomfortable.
“Where is Orion?” I ask. My voice sounds slurred, and they both stare at me for a few seconds.
“He went to get your medication,” Ryland answers, studying me as I lean heavily on the wall.
The pills are kicking in; my muscles are relaxing, and I feel like melting jelly. I shower quickly, knowing I need to get downstairs before I can barely walk. Stepping out, I wrap my towel around me and walk into the bedroom, but now even dressing feels like a major task that I am not up for.
Forcing my limbs to move, I grab one of their shirts, slip it on, and walk out. Heading for the stairs, I have to grip the banister tightly as I feel myself stumble. Only the grip keeps me upright.
Ryland moves closer to me.
“Don’t touch me,” I tell him, and he puts his hands up in surrender, but lingers as I descend the stairs.
I flop heavily on the couch. A giggle escapes my lips at the rush of falling. I must look mad, but I don’t care. My face and limbs are numb, but my mind is awake and alert as I roll on my side, facing the TV. I’m not really watching, but the pictures help, the voices, that sound like a soft murmur, barely reach my ears as I zone out, staring blankly at the TV. Time is slipping by.
I don’t know how much time passes, but Thaddeus eventually leaves me, and I finally relax, knowing he is gone. Minutes tick by slowly as I lose track of time.
My eyes become heavy as I fight sleep. Panic sets in, and I realize I shouldn’t have taken the pills. I need sleep, but the thought scares me. Panic seizes me as I stumble to the kitchen. My mouth feels so dry it leaves an unpleasant taste. I drop the glass into the sink when I try to fill it. Picking it up again, I clutch it with both hands only to drop it again. My fingers are still numb, and I resort to just drinking straight from the faucet.
Walking back to the couch, I flop down, wondering when Orion will be back. Ryland wakes as I sit down, his eyes snap open. I can see how tired he is.
“Go to bed,” I yawn while speaking.
“I will when you do,” he says, yawning, causing me to yawn. Is it true that yawning is contagious?
Thaddeus walks downstairs, sitting next to me before retrieving the remote. He flicks through the channels until a growl leaves him when he realizes the only thing on is infomercials. He drops his back on the couch, and I watch him. He seems tired, too, and his aura feels electrified. Even Ryland looks at him worriedly, feeling the vibe he is giving off.
“Go get some sleep; I will wait with her till Orion comes back,” he says, rubbing Thaddeus’ thigh.
Thaddeus shakes his head. “I can’t, the bed feels empty,” he murmurs, pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration. He growls and turns to me, a glare on his face. “You need to sleep; why do you keep fighting it?”
I ignore him, for days they have asked the same question. At least when Orion is here, he doesn’t ask, he just leaves me be.
“I want to go home. I was fine until I came here,” I tell him, and he growls louder, making my heart rate pick up and thump erratically in my chest.
“Come, I will lay with you till you fall asleep,” Ryland says to him.
Thaddeus sighs and gets up, and I feel bad knowing I am the reason they remain awake. Yet, if they dreamed the things I did, they wouldn’t want to sleep either. But I can’t tell them that, can’t let them find out what I have done. I will only relive what he did, what I did. I’m not proud of it. I did what I had to, but at what cost? Am I any better than the monsters I now live with?
Ryland and Thaddeus head upstairs, and I find myself staring off blankly for a while before I try to rest my eyes. They feel dry and sore so I close them for a few seconds. I let myself drift.
My mind slips into unconsciousness. The dream starts the way it always does. The creak of stairs. The top step was always loudest and creaked under any weight. I tug the blanket around myself, praying he walks past my door, letting out a breath when I hear his steps move past to his bedroom. Relief floods me.
He always touched me, from the first night I moved in with them. Fear paralyzes me each time, and I blame myself for being weak and not fighting back. After that first night, he would always sneak in but never do more than grope me, touch me. But that night, I heard him walk past the door, and relief flooded into me, thinking I would finally get rest.
Only, I heard him stop. Not hearing his door click shut made me hold my breath. His footsteps returned, getting louder. The twist of my doorknob as it turned is forever engraved in my head.
The smell of bourbon filled the room, and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. I know he is standing next to my bed, and I feel dread creep into me, feel his eyes roam over every inch of my covered body. Only this time, he doesn’t touch me. This time, he does something way worse, something so painful that I feel my heart break into a thousand pieces. My soul is shattered; fear paralyzes me for a second until I feel him remove everything.