“Hey babe, do you need help with anything?” Kel asked sneaking behind me kissing me on the cheek.
“No, I’m almost done,” I answered smiling.
I was making dinner for us on Sunday night, Evie was at home and we felt like a real family. Throughout the week we spent time bonding. After dinner, we snuggled on the couch to watch a movie. We were sharing a blanket and munching popcorn. I rested my head on his shoulder while carrying Evie, he had his hand around my waist leaning in on me. It was like a family night and it made me wonder how we would have been if I had told him if we hadn’t broken up. Evie would have had the chance to grow up with her father and Kel would have been there for us. Since Kel and I kissed and we’ve been on a good note I’ve been feeling guilty. I wanted to tell him but I didn’t want him to go back to hating me. I couldn’t concentrate on the movie and kept on thinking of how I’d tell them.
Soon enough the movie ended and I took Evie to her room.
“Mummy can I ask you something please. Promise me you’d do it.” she pleaded.
“I don’t know if it’s something I can do I will,” I promise
“Great. I want to meet daddy on my birthday.” she requested.
Her birthday was two months from now. I had enough time to tell them. Poor girl doesn’t know she sees her dad every day.
“Would you do it for me mummy?” she asked nervously
I sighed before answering. I was bound to tell them anyway. “I will.”
“Thank you, mummy. I love you.” she excitedly said hugging me.
“I love you too Evie,” I said smiling. “You’d have to promise me that you won’t hate me or your daddy when you find out.”
“I can’t hate you mummy but I hate daddy. He doesn’t care about us. He didn’t visit us once, not even on my birthday.” she was crying now and I was.
“Oh, Evie it’s not like that.”
“I don’t care. I just want to tell him what a horrible father he is. I’d rather have Kel as my daddy. ” she said and I just broke down. This was an opening to tell her but I just couldn’t say the words.
“So you like Kel now? ” I asked instead
“Yes, I like him now but not the way you like him,” she said and I nearly laughed. How does she even know I like him when I don’t know yet?
“You can’t hate Kel right?” I asked
“Only if he hurts and leaves mummy,” she said and I smiled a little. I just hope she doesn’t hate both of us.
**********************
“Where are we going? ” I asked for the tenth time
“It’s a surprise,” he answered again smiling
“Fine.” I huffed preparing I and Evie’s bag
We came back from work by 4 and he told me to prepare our things for a trip, I’ve been asking him where our destination was but he refused to answer me. We got everything ready and got to the car.
“Wow. The plane is someone beautiful and we’re the only ones in it.” Evie exclaimed and I chuckled.
“That’s because it’s for Kel,” I informed and she let out another wow.
Evie was scared for her first flight, I was too. Lucky girl got her first plane ride by five and mine was at 23. She could have been on a plane earlier than this if Kel and I had been together.
“So you’re still not going to tell me where we’re going to? ” I asked again
“No matter how many times you ask I wouldn’t,” he replied with a smirk.
“But you can tell me? ” Evie asked and he chuckled before saying no.
Soon Evie fell asleep and I intended to do the same.
“Why are we going on this trip?” I inquired
“I just want to relax and spend quality time with you,” he replied and I smiled a little. I like how he was putting effort into whatever we were but I felt like I couldn’t be happy, at least not yet. He still doesn’t know anything and when he does he’d hate me and won’t have anything to do with me and I’d be alone again.
“Shay you seem off, what’s bothering you?” he asked with a genuine look of concern.
Ever since we kissed and have been on talking terms all I feel is guilt and sadness. I felt like I didn’t deserve him.
“Shayan talk to me, please babe.” he pleaded holding my face making me look up at him.
Tears were beginning to form in my eyes and he noticed them wiping the little tears away, his thumb gently brushing my cheeks. He’s going to hate me when he finds out, we’d never be together.
“Talk to me Shayan, what’s wrong?” he asked again
“It’s nothing important, don’t worry.” I shrugged
“It’s important if it got you crying and I’m worried already. Did I do something?” he sounded so concerned.
“No. It’s nothing Kel don’t push it.” I slowly said. He didn’t look convinced but he nodded anyway.
Soon enough he was hugging me. ” I know I lost the right for you to talk to me but if you ever need someone to talk to don’t search too far because I’m here Shayan, I’m here for you. I’ll always be here for you.”
He spoke so softly it sounded so genuine, I couldn’t keep the tears from falling. How did we even get to this point? They’re going to hate me, I badly wanted to tell him but I just don’t know where to start from, would he even believe me?
“Kel… I… We… ” I started, I planned on telling him once and for all.
“Shh.” he hushed putting his fingers on my lips. “Don’t rush it, tell me when you’re comfortable, I’m not forcing you to do so now.”
“I can’t do this,” I said releasing myself from his grip and he just stared at me, was that anger, hurt or both?
“You said you’d give me a chance, I haven’t done anything wrong that I know of, so why? ” he sounded kinda hurt.
“It’s not you, it’s me.”
“Seriously, you’re giving me that bullshit?” he said letting out a dark chuckle.
“I have a lot of things I’m dealing with Kel, I can’t have anything with you not until I’ve settled some things. There’s no point in this when I know you’re still going to hate me. ”
“I’d never hate you Shayan,” he said tiredly
“Gosh I tried doing that but it never worked. Whatever you’re dealing with let’s deal with it together.” He said almost pleadingly holding my hands. I wanted to believe him but I couldn’t.
“You’re just talking Adrios, you’d hate me then you’d leave me again. It’s not a difficult task for you.” I don’t even know where this anger was coming from but it was true. That’s exactly what he’d do.
“If I couldn’t hate you after five years what makes you think I’d hate you now? ”
“Because you don’t know yet. I hate you Kel, I don’t lie when I tell you that, I can’t trust anything you say no matter how much I want to, I can’t forget what you did, it’s always going to be in my memory. I hate you for everything you did Kel and I can’t just act like I’m okay with that.” it wasn’t the truth and it was better for him to hate me now than later.
“So you really hate me?” he sounded hurt and I could still detect anger.
“I want you to answer me honestly. Did you ever love me? ”
“It’s so obvious what the answer is, the real question is did you?” I asked raising a brow at him.