Hamish’s hand, in the midst of applying medicine, paused. His throat felt dry, and his voice seemed to be squeezed out from within as he said, “Yes, I am not as good to you as you imagine, in fact, not at all. But it’s true that you liked me back then, and now I love you and want to take care of you for the rest of our lives.”
Elisa had no memory of the past. She remained within the lie Tobias had concocted, believing that she and Hamish had been deeply in love. She was eager to recall the past, not just to love Hamish better in the present but also to justify spending the rest of her life in his affection.
But now Hamish was telling her that their past was not good at all. Elisa didn’t know the significance of regaining her memory.
“Do you want to know about the past?” Hamish asked cautiously.
Elisa hesitated for a moment, then shook her head. “Let the past be the past.”
Hamish breathed a sigh of relief to himself. If Elisa had pursued the past, he truly didn’t know what he would say.
“But, Hamish, just because I’ve lost my memory doesn’t mean I don’t understand anything. I won’t tolerate any mistreatment. If you continue to treat me this way, it’s over between us. I’d rather die than degrade myself just to be by your side.”
Hamish felt a pang in his heart. He instinctively began to speak, but before he could, Elisa interrupted him.
“Don’t make any promises to me. I understand perfectly well that the wolf is at the door. We both know that.”
“Alright…”
As Elisa went to the bathroom to wash her hands, the smell of liniment was strong. She used hand soap for a long time to get rid of the smell. As she washed her hands, she stared at herself in the mirror. The unease in her eyes was unhideable. The words she spoke were meant for Hamish but also for herself.
She thought: Let bygones be bygones. I can forget about the past, but in the future, I can’t easily forgive Hamish with just a “sorry.” After all, I’m not a saint.
When Elisa came out after washing her hands, Hamish had already finished tidying up the medicine cabinet and had put on his pajamas. He stood quietly at the foot of the bed, like a wooden figure.
Elisa felt a chill and went directly to bed, pulling the covers over herself. “There’s one more thing,” she said.
“What is it?”
Elisa looked at Hamish, her eyes somewhat dim. “Don’t you like children?”
Hamish replied, “I do.” How could he not? He dreamed of having a child with Elisa.
But Elisa couldn’t conceive. With her cancer, she might never be able to have a child.
“Then why did you make me take birth control pills this afternoon?” Elisa bit her lip, paused, then continued, “Why did you?”
Hamish lowered his eyes. “Those weren’t birth control pills…”
“They weren’t? Then what were they?”
Hamish couldn’t speak the truth. Even though Elisa had said they should start anew without dwelling on the past, could she really overlook everything once she remembered? He knew how much she resented him. If she truly remembered the past, she might avoid him altogether.
So Hamish didn’t dare to take the risk and continued to fabricate a lie. “Those were the pills you take every night. Haven’t you noticed?”
Elisa finally realized that they were small white pills, feeling somewhat embarrassed.
“I thought you didn’t want me to have your child,” Elisa said, with a hint of longing. She loved children, and both she and Hamish were good-looking. Their baby would surely be adorable. Elisa had already thought of names.
“I think it would be best to have a boy and a girl. I’ve already thought of names. The boy will be called Jude, and the girl will be called Jade. Doesn’t ‘each year’ symbolize something good?”
Elisa tilted her head back slightly, the soft light shining on her face, making her look as beautiful as a painting.
A bitter smile tugged at the corners of Hamish’s mouth. “Elisa, we won’t have our own children in the future.”
Elisa suddenly felt like she had been doused with cold water. She asked, “Why?”
“It’s because of me.” There was a hint of sorrow in Hamish’s eyes, as if he had something difficult to say. “I can’t…”
Elisa’s pupils slightly contracted. The disparity was too great. It was like finding a candle in the darkness, only to have it snuffed out just as she glimpsed a ray of lightShe had just imagined vanished into thin air.
“It’s okay,” Elisa said dryly, forcing a smile. “Actually, I’m not ready to be a mother either. If you can’t have children, we can adopt. I grew up in an orphanage, so we could go there and adopt a pair of well-behaved little ones, just like the names I thought of. How about that?”
Elisa looked at him with her head tilted, like an endearing cat. Hamish reached out and tousled her hair.
“Do you want to get a cat to keep you company at home for now?”
“Can I?” Elisa’s mood had sunk to a low, but with Hamish’s words, her eyes lit up. Her catlike, sly and bright eyes made her look innocent and pure. Hamish could already imagine her holding a cat in her arms in the future.
“Of course, as long as you like it.”
Elisa had always wanted a furry pet, but she had never had the chance. She had suspected that Hamish might not like the idea, seeing how meticulous he was. So, she had never brought it up.
“But cats shed their fur. Are you sure you don’t mind?” Elisa asked.
“I don’t mind. We can have someone take care of the shedding,” Hamish replied.
“Okay.”
As Hamish planned to get a cat from the pet market the next day, Elisa had already wrapped herself in the covers and was ready for sleep. After settling a bunch of matters, she was now exhausted. Glancing at the time, she realized it was already almost two in the morning.
In a hoarse voice, she murmured, “Let’s name the cat Mimi…”
Seeing her weary expression, Hamish felt a pang of heartache. He stood by the bed, wanting to climb in and hold her while sleeping, but he hesitated because Elisa hadn’t asked him to join her.
Seeing that the lights were still on and there was no movement in the room, Elisa was momentarily puzzled about what Hamish was up to. She half-squinted at him and asked lazily, “Why aren’t you sleeping?”
“You didn’t ask me to come to bed,” Hamish replied.
Elisa almost laughed. She had intended to ask him to sleep on the sofa, but considering how small and hard it was, and with Hamish’s injuries, she couldn’t bring herself to do it.
She lifted a corner of the covers. “Come on, get in.”
Hamish’s face brightened, and he quickly got into bed, pulling Elisa into his arms, taking advantage of the situation.