Eileen was still woozy when Kerry started to shake her, “Mom, Mom, are you all right? Can you hear me? What’s going on?” It was all fuzzy and then it hit Eileen like a hammer. She was sitting down just a moment ago and savoring a drink.
A Morning After
On Saturday morning, Eileen sat in her kitchen alone with Betty. Although not her specialty, Betty was a psychologist familiar with substance-abuse issues. She had come over early to be in the house when Eileen awoke and Kerry, who with Suzanne had gotten her Mom upstairs, to the bathroom, and into bed and who checked on her Mom regularly during the night (finding her asleep each time she looked into her room) had gone upstairs with Suzanne after getting assurances from Betty that things would be alright and that she would help Eileen get the help she needed.
Eileen, both hands gripping a mug full of black coffee with a bit of sugar, was embarrassed and still in a haze but at Betty’s coaxing she began to try to explain what she had done. Betty let her talk, steering her to provide some of the background of Eileen’s earlier drinking and long period of sobriety. She interrupted her friend only to provide neutral words of support and understanding, and she found that she did not need to prod. Once Eileen began, she let fly. Betty was sufficiently removed from her day-to-day life as to provide comfort for Eileen’s thoughts and fears.
Betty circled back to what happened when Michael, Eileen’s husband, died seven years before. She stopped and, according to Eileen, had not touched a drop until Chicago. Betty believed her; Eileen was not telling lies.
Betty tried to ease the stress Eileen felt because she was feeling stress. It was an echo chamber that too often paralyzed people who relapsed. Eileen needed to remember that she had tackled this before and that she could do so again and she needed to re-visit what she had done before.
Eileen had never been the confident sort. She excelled at everything she did, except her marriage, but she let that failure color everything else. She realized that she once surmounted that failure. That she had done good things in the years since. To call her a generic vice president at a sleepy suburban bank, though, was well off the mark. She essentially ran the office and was trusted by and relied upon by everybody there. Had she wanted, she could have easily moved on to one of the big-name banks in the City or to her own bank’s headquarters. She loved her job and she was very good at it.
So Betty softly spoke in a way that she hoped would give a bit of a boost to Eileen’s ego and self-confidence, reminding her of how she had opened since they met, how she had blossomed since she met Tom, how she made the lives of those she met just a little bit better. Eileen weakly trying to deny the reality that Betty presented. Betty simply wanted to get Eileen to accept the reality that she was a very good, very competent, very loving person and a person who earned the right to be respected and loved.
Betty’s efforts were not entirely wasted. Eileen realized that she might be her own worst enemy and, after a thought, realized that she did not have any real enemies. She had done it before and knew, or hoped at least, that with help available should she need it, she could do it again.
What about Tommy? What could or should Eileen say to him. No one had said anything to him, but he was due in late afternoon. They were having dinner in Bronxville, at what had become their usual spot.
Betty handed Eileen her phone. All she said was, “Be honest with him. It will all work out if you do that,” and she left Eileen in the living room before heading out for a walk with Kerry and Suzanne, who’d been waiting, door closed, in Kerry’s room.
Eileen’s hand shook as she hit “6,” Tommy’s speed dial number. To his cheery, “Hi, honey, what’s up?” Eileen simply said, “Tom”—his more-formal name—”can you come down to see me.” She took a breath. She did not want him to have no idea why she was making this request. “I had some drinks when I was in Chicago and some more when I got back. I think I’m okay but I need to speak with you.”
Tom was at Eileen’s place in about half-an-hour. Betty, Kerry, and Suzanne had kept Eileen company, doing just normal household stuff, while she waited, and she was glad they did. All three left when Tom arrived, Kerry telling her Mom that they were just going into town and to text her if she needed anything.
Eileen and Tom
Tom did not know what to do or think. As he drove down, he called Andi, who told him it was not her area but that he probably should let Eileen do the talking and that he had to assure her of his love. “You are the key to her support system and you need to tell her that she will never let you down and you will be there for her.”
He put a somewhat artificial cheer on his face as he entered the house, with Kerry, Suzanne, and Betty promptly leaving, looking somber as they tried to smile. Then he and Eileen sat together on the sofa. And he let Eileen get out the things she told Betty earlier and how she needed him if she was to get back on track. She made it clear that she loved him and was afraid she’d lose him, especially because of what she had done.
So, Tom repeated what he had spoken to Andi about, meaning each word. Eileen simply ended by saying, “I know you do and I know you will” and after putting her head against his shoulder she fell asleep.