“I once asked my father about Mary and how he treated her, how he and my mother ostracized her. You know what? Not only did he express no regrets, he insisted that it was the proper…no that it was the ‘only’ thing that he could do. He was pleased with himself for sacrificing his sister to what he thought was a higher good. And, Kerry, he’d think the same thing about me. So would my mother. It’s part of who they are, this evil.”
Throw that in with the fact that I had done what was expected of me for too long because what was expected of me was not me. So giving up their money meant I had to give up, at least for a bit, going to law school.
“Anyway. I had a partial athletic scholarship at Stanford and my parents paid the rest. And I took out a loan for half my Columbia tuition and they paid the rest as well as for my share of the rent. But I gave them a note—I insisted on this—for every penny that they advanced. I can’t take their money, even as a no-interest loan, anymore.
“And with all that going down and, well, how I screwed up with you, us, in the Spring term I was not in a good place to start second year when I was supposed to. So, I didn’t try for Law Review.”
This stopped me. “I didn’t see that you had made it but I had no idea you hadn’t tried.”
“Hah. My grades were good but I didn’t think I’d be around in the Fall and didn’t want the pressure so I didn’t try.”
“I so wanted to be with you on it,” I said. “Even if we weren’t talking and it was a torture, I wanted to be with you.”
“I know. It just…It’s done and as I said I’m not going to be in school anyway.”
Another deep breath.
“I had a coming out with a friend during a run in June. Just the two of us, and I was right in thinking she was gay. It all came out. You all came out. I mean my thoughts of you, good and bad.
“Aunt Mary knew what was going on. I had a bunch of discussions with her, but I swore her to secrecy with your Mom. And I stayed at her house every once in a while.” She lifted her head to look at me. “It’s funny. I remember lying in the bed in Peter’s old room and wondering what you were doing at that exact moment. Cause I figured you were just up the road and I wondered whether my thoughts of you would somehow make their way into your dream.”
And I laughed. “Wonder no more. You were probably in my dreams that night because you were in my dreams most nights. I used to lie in bed thinking you were three hours behind us, having dinner or going to some stupid cocktail thing for Summer associates, one of those horrible partner cocktail parties in an ostentatious apartment with a great view.”
Now she laughed. “Except I wasn’t at anyone’s ostentatious apartment.”
“I didn’t know that, did I?
“Stop. We’re wandering here. Before getting back to your parents, what the fuck happened and why were you in your Apartment when I showed up?”
“Would you have tried to come up if you knew I was there?”
“Good god no. I was only there because I knew, or at least thought I knew, that you weren’t.”
I told her about backing out of the San Francisco Summer gig and getting a paralegal job though one of our TA’s contacts.
“Wow” was all I could say.
Another deep breath and…”It pays the bills. And I enjoy the work and the people there. It’s like the anti-Big Law firm.
“Anyway, my Aunt and Betty said I could stay at their place. I think they’d like to have me around and I’ve come to like the area. Annie found a new roommate who moves in after Labor Day. She, the roomie, has a real job so Annie’s happy. So, I am in the process of getting my stuff together.
“I guess we’ll be neighbors.”
“I guess we will. We can play Bingo together on Wednesday nights at St. Joe’s.”
At that, she gave me a little shove and we got up to go to the car.
Suze: Kerry’s Place
She took it better than I had expected her to, my whole dropping-out thing. I think she knew it was a lot and wanted to let me stay in my space for a bit. As we walked, the hospital to our right, I asked what we would tell her Mom.
“I don’t know. I think we just need to let it flow. Letting it flow seems to be working for us. It’s the not-letting-it-flow that’s been our problem.”
I squeezed her hand and said, “Let me tell Mary now. She didn’t know what I was doing today, but I’ve spoken to her about you in…this way and she gave me the whole follow-your-heart speech. It worked pretty well.” And she squeezed my hand.
When a somewhat groggy Aunt—it was barely nine—answered she quickly woke up and I gave her a summary, that I was with, and by “with” I mean with, Kerry and she took it “better than well” and we were heading over to her Mom’s as a couple.
“How do you think she’ll take it?” This was me.