“But we cannot decide what happened and what will happen. Dennis loves you. Although his selfishness made you suffer a lot, you could not hate him and you have to move on.”
I had nothing to say. It was a deadlock.
Everyone was wrong and everyone was innocent.
Life.
I asked her, “Did you have lunch?”
She was surprised at my abrupt question, and shrugged her shoulders, “no.”
“Let’s dine together.”
I went to the kitchen. Yes, I had to move on.
I cooked some noodles. She leaned against the door and asked, “Dennis is in hospital. You want to see him?”
I stopped chopping vegetables, and asked, “sick of the cold?”
She gave a positive answer.
And she went to me and helped, “He was in the snow after you left. We knew that he was punishing himself and saving himself. And we just let him. He hurt you and he loves you. We can do nothing about it.”
I said nothing and stared at the peppers in my hand.
I asked her, “Can you eat peppers?”
Seeing me change the subject, she said, “I can.”
She left after we had lunch.
It was still snowing and I was sitting in the room, reading.
Should I see him? No.
He was expiating his sin and my appearance would destroy the peacefulness he was pursuing and added to his guilt.
He hurt me and he was guilty. Life.
In the afternoon, I received a call from Jane.
It was surprising but not so after a second thought.
“Can we meet and talk?” There was aloofness between us now. She was so lovely when we first met.
Ridiculous.
“We needn’t see each other anymore,” I said coldly.
She was silent before she said, “We must face something, right?”
She was no less obstinate than Hank. They were really like each other.
“Okay.”
I went upstairs to find clothes that can sustain warmth outdoors.
And I put up an umbrella and walked to where we decided, which was not far.
I passed a house, in the yard of which a couple was making a snowman. The woman was piling a heap of snow with a spade and the man was rolling his sleeves.
They were happy and I smiled too.
Was this not the ideal life?
When I arrived at the café, she didn’t turn up yet.
I ordered coffee and sat beside the window.
I didn’t like coffee because it was bitter. And I asked for more sugar.
Jane was sent by a driver and despite her thick clothes, her belly of hers was bigger.
She sat down and ordered hot milk.
She rubbed her cold hands and then warmed them with the hot milk she ordered.
I looked at her silently, as if I was waiting for her to warm her hands.
She looked up at me and looked around.
“Dennis is looking after you well, it seems.”
I agreed.
The several bodyguards he arranged were protecting well from the journalists.
“About that money, I already knew.” She said, “I met him in the Chinatown in Country M four years ago. I loved Sichuan dishes and I went there often. It was raining and he was lost in thought in the center square. I found him handsome and put an umbrella above his head.”
She was talking about Hank.
I listened carefully.
“Girls in Country M are different from Chinese girls. And in our tradition, putting up an umbrella for someone is no big deal. But he was handsome and I slept with him. And I couldn’t let him go ever since.”
I nodded.
She went on, “He wanted to do business in Country M and I had resources. And we got engaged just before we met you. I didn’t realize why he didn’t touch me ever since. I wouldn’t have been pregnant. Then I knew that you and he were different.”
She touched her belly.
It was still snowing heavily.
She continued, “Clara, I think you are treating him unfairly. He is so good to you. But God is unfair to him. He was born into a rich family but his parents divorced and left him. He regarded you as one whom he could love wholeheartedly but you disliked him. Clara, you are owing to him a debt.”
I thought she was as lovely as before.
Unlike Olivia, who hurled diatribes at me, she knew what happened between me and Hank and she just wanted to say something good for Hank.
She loved Hank and was concerned about him.
“Jane, I couldn’t decide who I love. I am in debt to Hank and I am trying to compensate. But I love someone else. You know that we cannot force ourselves to love someone who once helped us, right?”
She nodded, “Yes, and that’s why I want a talk with you. I love him and he loves you. I don’t blame you. I failed to make him love me, and this is my own issue. But I want to thank you for what you did.”