I went to visit the Ottave’s garden.
This is where James and I used to play.
I suddenly miss that time.
The time where everything felt normal.
The time where my only concern is to play and enjoy life.
The time where I thought that I have a normal family. That just like the other kids, I was also made out of love.
That is why I got so excited to meet James again because he is one of my happy memories when I was young.
I then thought of what Manang Lucy ask me a while ago.
What if I knew that I am originally arrange for James and not to Andrew? Will things be changed?
I have a feeling that I knew it that time, then things will not be like this.
“It seems like something’s bothering with my princess.”
I automatically smile when I heard James’ voice. That was his endearment to me before.
“You surprise me with your revelation eh!” I told him.
I heard him chuckled and sit beside me.
We both watched the sunset as what we always do before.
“Just like the old times.” We said together.
We both chuckled.
I rested my head on his shoulder. “You’ve gone for too long!”
“Because you are always avoiding me!” He countered back.
“At that time I thought…. haist.”
I can’t continue my statement because until now I still can’t believe what I found out today.
“Is that the reason why you keep on avoiding me before?” He seems like he finally understood my actions before.
I just gave him a smile.
“So that’s why you also ignoring my messages?!”
My brow creased. “Messages?”
I heard him chuckled.
I gave him a soft punch. Because instead of him giving me an answer, he just gave me a laugh.
“I added you on facebook and I even send you messages but you always seen zoned me.”
My brow creased more. I can’t remember anything.
He laugh so hard and then he get his phone.
I saw him opening his Facebook account and he showed me some messages.
My eyes widen in surprise, that’s why I also open my Facebook and started to search those messages.
“You go yo message request.” He instructed me.
I went to the message request and I saw the message he was telling me about, it was almost a year ago. This is during my wedding day.
Hi my princess! I heard you’re getting married today. Do you love him? Aren’t you wait for me?
That was his last message to me. I then read all his previous messages.
He always send me messages especially during my birthday and his.
I didn’t notice it because I was consumed by my feelings towards my family.
I bit my lower lip.
So all this time he was always reaching out to me?
“I’m sorry.” that the only word I can uttered.
I saw him biting his lower lip too.
“Why are you saying sorry?”
“Because you failed to reply on my messages or because you did not accept my friend request?”
“Or… because you failed to fulfill our promise that you will marry me? Or because you already forgotten me?” He said seriously.
“All of it.” I answered him.
He gave me a forced smile.
I was busy looking at his face when I didn’t notice that my tears are pouring out. He wipe it with his hand.
“Hush princess. Its okay. What’s done is done. I understand you okay?” He said while his hands are on my face.
He kissed me again on my forehead. I just close my eyes, feeling his kiss.
***
Maru and I were quiet the whole trip.
I can feel that something is bothering him. But I chose to keep quiet.
When we reach home, we both went straight to our room, do our usual night routine before we went to bed.
I’m done with my shower while Maru is still sitting in our bed.
I just went to the other side of the bed.
I was already lying down when I heard his talk.
“Did it come back?” He ask me.
I look at him a bit confuse. “What do you mean?”
I his hand gripped his towel.
“Y-your feeling for my brother. Did it come back?” He ask me seriously.
I just look at him. I can see fears in his eyes. For what?
“Did it come back?!” He shouted.
My eyes widen because of shock. I think this is the first time that he shouted at me like that.
“What are you saying?” Still confuse with what he is asking.
“You love him!” He said accusing me.
I nodded. “Yes.” I whispered.
I saw his shoulder drop and his eyes weaken.
“Until now?” I can feel his pain while asking me.
“He will always be part of my life.” I just said.
“What about? Who I am in your life?” I saw that his tears are about to come out.
“You are my husband.”
“Oh f*ck! Yes! Just your husband!” He said while wiping his tears.
“What is happening to you?” I can’t help but ask.
He just shake his head. “If I were not your husband, will I still be part of your life?”
“Maru…” I can’t take the things that he is saying right now.
I can feel that he’s hurting.
“Do you still think of me whenever you are calling me Maru? Or even before, am I the who coming in your head whenever you call me with that name?!”
I can’t stop myself anymore. I went close to him.
“Maru what are you saying?!”
“That’s the truth! Since then, when we were young, you always calling my big brother Maru and not me! You not even giving me a glance!” He accused me.
“I have my reasons before Maru! You will never understand!”
“Then tell me what is it for me to understand!”
“And who will understand you huh? My big brother?! That’s why you told him all the things that happened to you before?!”
I felt shocked. “You heard us?”
I told James the things that happened before. Why I chose to avoid him and not answering his messages before. Because I believe that he has the right to know. I owe him an explanation.
“Why you can tell him those things easily while you kept it hidden from me?! Why???”
I bit my lower lip. I can feel myself trembling because of fear and guilt.
“I am your husband Mara. But you never told me anything about you and your feelings.”
“You never told me the things that happened to you, your problems and resentment!” He added.
“You told me you love me?!”
“Oh wait!” He said while continuing in wiping his tears.
“Maybe you just in the peak of your emotion when you said you love me? Because after you told me you love me, you never told it to me again!” He is full of resentment while confessing his feeling.
I can’t find myself to answer him. It feels like there is a lump in my throat. I’m just trembling while silently crying.
“And now that he is back, you then realize that you should have waited?! That you wish that you know all this before you married me! That you will be more happy to build a family with him! But now, you can’t do anything because we are married and having a child now!”
“Is that it? Is that the reason why you are crying right now?!”
I was trying to reach my hand to him but he keeps on pushing it.
Until I felt something on my legs.
My eyes widen when I saw blood on my legs.
“Maru… our baby Tanya…”
I saw his eyes widen upon seeing blood on my legs.
He carried me before my vision went blank.