For the first time, I felt like my heart was breaking. It was stupid because the reason was stupid. I was upset because Ethan liked Juliet and not me and all this time I thought he liked me. I liked the feeling I got when I knew he liked me. Which made me question if I even liked him at all. Did I confuse liking that he liked me, with me liking him?
This whole situation was such a disappointment for me. Our feelings for each other were starting to look beautiful to me until Ethan told me what he did. It made me realize things.
I knew that I had thought too deeply into his words and he didn’t imply that he liked the Juliet before she ran away. I just concluded it by myself because he saw me as Juliet so he obviously liked her and not me.
“Juliet?”
I looked up to see Keith.
Juliet. Right. That was what I was to everyone.
Who was I anymore anyway? I felt like Juliet was eating its way into Julie. Julie’s existence was day by day becoming nonexistent. I didn’t know who I was. I was supposed to act like Juliet but this wasn’t how Juliet was. The way I acted was more like Julie and yet everyone seemed to believe that I was Juliet. How could people believe me? Were our personalities that same?
I was having a huge identity crisis.
Without thinking, I leapt towards Keith and hugged him tightly. I didn’t think about how I could be giving him the wrong idea.
All I needed right now was someone to hug me and tell me that I was here. Julie wasn’t dead. Unfortunately,? Keith couldn’t do that but at least his hug would comfort me because I’d been Julie in front of him. I’d been my most true self around him but with a different name. He was the Tristan to my Ethan. Just like how Olivia was once but I didn’t know anymore.
“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked but I ignored him. He didn’t push me away but slowly hugged me back.
It was amazing how relaxing and stress relieving a hug could be. Although Ethan’s hug felt like all I had ever wanted, Keith’s hug was what I needed at the moment. Keith’s hug was a friend’s hug. And a friend’s hug had an effect like no other hug.
We stayed like that for a long time after which I felt a bit better. Telling Keith that I just had a bad day, I said goodnight to him and went up to my room where I was sure I would sleep like a baby once my head hits the pillows.
***
The next day,? I was down with a minor fever and cold. My head felt heavy and I didn’t want to move an inch from the bed.
I didn’t bother to get up and just decided to go back to sleep.
After I had entered my room last night, I had broken down crying. It wasn’t just because I realized that Ethan didn’t like me at all, it was also because this situation that I had been in for months had taken its toll on me. All the negative effects associated with it came crashing down at once. I was lost. I didn’t know what my future held for me. The happiness I found here was so much more than what I could’ve asked for. Loving parents, good friends and a guy I had started to like. Excluding all the restrictions I put on myself, my life would have been perfect here had I been their real daughter. All this time, I didn’t even feel like they weren’t my parents. Somewhere in my mind I had started to see it all as the truth.
But then reality came knocking my feet from under me. Right now I was living my best life, yet there was this lingering sadness and awareness that in a blink of an eye everything could change, my happiness would disappear. I would have to go back to my old life. If that happened, I didn’t know how to deal with it. Where would I start?
I didn’t have an answer yet so all I did was bury myself under the covers.
Samara knocked on my door after two hours. She had came to check up on me after I didn’t get up at the time I usually did. She told me that she’d bring my breakfast to my room and I was grateful for that. All day I slept.
My parents, even though they weren’t mine, called for a doctor who gave me some medicine for the cold and fever and told me to get some rest, which I was planning on doing anyway.
My day went pleasantly uninterrupted with the exception of Samara quietly coming to check up on me every few hours and for giving me meals, snacks and medicines.
It was around eight when I heard a knock on the door. My fever had considerably reduced and I was feeling much better.
“Come in,” I croaked out. My throat was dry and scratchy and it hurt to swallow.
The door creaked open to reveal Ethan who I assumed had just had dinner after returning from work.
“Hey,” he said, entering and closing the door behind him. “You’re sick? What happened?”
I sat up straight on my bed. “Nothing. I think it’s the weather change that affected me.” I wasn’t entirely wrong. The weather had gone from cold to hot to again cold and that didn’t suit me.
He took a seat on the side of my bed. “What’re you doing here?” I asked.
“I didn’t see you at dinner so was just wondering where you were. Samara told me you have a fever and cold.” He put the back of his palm on my forehead.
“I’m fine, now. Just feeling a little weak.” I replied, removing his hand away. “I just need a little more rest. I’ll be fine tomorrow. You should go to bed.”
He nodded. “Do you need anything?”
I shook my head. “I’m fine.”
He hesitated a little before leaning down and kissing me on my forehead.
“You shouldn’t do that.” I said, playing with the tassels of my duvet, suddenly shying away from his gaze.
“Think of it as a get well soon wish from me.”
“Do you do that to everyone who’s sick?”
“No, just the special ones. Like my mother… and you.”
“What’s your relationship with Heather?” I had to ask. I didn’t want her to be with a person who could easily get swayed by another woman. Right now, he was cheating on Heather by being like this and I couldn’t just let it continue.
“Juliet… she and I… we don’t love each other. You don’t have to think about us. We-”
“Ethan do you realize you’re cheating on her right now and how wrong and unfair this is to her?” I forced my throat to work because I had to get this out.
He sighed heavily as if he was tired of something. “I know and I promise you that we’ll break up, but at the right time so that we can be together.”
“I never said I wanted to be with you.”
“I’m sorry for assuming that but I’ll try everything I can to woo you.”
“Heather is my friend and I would never date her ex.”
“I know and that’s a good thing to do as a good friend but you don’t know the whole thing. When the time is right,? we’ll break up and I’ll tell you everything.”
“What are you two keeping from me?”
“I can’t tell you anything right now. I’m sorry.”
I was feeling so frustrated with everyone lately. It seemed like everyone was suddenly keeping secrets from me. First, Olivia and Heather and now Ethan and Heather.
“When is the right time when you’ll break up?”
“I don’t know. It’s up to her when she’s ready.”
“What does that even mean? She doesn’t even know that you don’t love her anymore. The right thing to do now is to tell her the truth because Heather is a good person and she doesn’t deserve what you’re doing to her. I tried to get you to forget about me but you seem adamant about your feelings and I don’t want Heather to be with such a man. You are a cheater, Ethan and because of you, I’m betraying my own friend as well. It was you who started it all. Heather deserves so much more.”
He was silent after my outburst.
“You’re such a playboy. Do you think a girl’s heart is a toy to be played with till you get bored and break it for fun?” I continued. “You hated me all your life for a stupid reason and thought you were the best and looked down upon me. And now you’re justifying you cheating on Heather to me? I hate you Ethan.”
The last sentence was a big fat lie. I didn’t hate him. I actually liked him and it made me mad at myself because I was not supposed to do that. I was angry at myself for having such poor self control. It was because I had never been liked by a man before, at least not that I know of. And Ethan had been the first one to confess such feelings for me. It was my first time experiencing someone crushing on me and it made my heart flutter thinking that he thought of me like that. Because of that I was swayed and I wanted more from him. I wanted him to like me more.
My thoughts had been very conflicting lately and I didn’t know what to think or feel anymore. I wished I had a friend right now who could give me advice. Although Keith was my friend I couldn’t exactly tell him about my situation. And Olivia was in her own world and we had completely drifted apart to the point where I wondered if we were even friends anymore.
Ethan scoffed under his breath. “Wow, you know me so well. You’re right. I’m a very bad person. I deserve to be hated by everyone.”
He sounded mad but there was an underlying sadness that made me regret what I had said about him. I wanted to say sorry but I held back.
He slowly stood up and I thought he was leaving so I laid back down, not wanting to see him go away. I felt the covers which were pooled at my feet because I had thrown it away in my sleep moving and then I saw Ethan’s face as he tucked the covers under my chin. He caressed my hair and forced a smile. “It’s going to be a little cold today. Are you warm enough?”
“Yeah,” I whispered.
“Goodnight.”
And then he left my room, leaving me to wallow in guilt as I stared up at the ceiling, sleep long gone and my head filled with a million thoughts.