I stood across from the school staring at the front doors, watching kids flooding in, socializing before class. I watched her, coming out of her friends car, looking around a little, most likely looking for me, then giving up on the search and continuing into the school. She had sent me a few messages and I ignored them, at least I pretended to ignore them. If I was going to make her believe that I didn’t care, I had to play the part.
I’ve had years of practice in such a role. The role of the arrogant jock who gets what he wants, whoever he wants. It should really be a cake walk. But seeing her was making me waver, I was beginning to doubt myself, I didn’t know how I was going to convince the girl of my dreams that I didn’t care about her.
I managed to put one foot in front of the other and walk up to the school. Going down the hall I was giving them the same smile I’ve had plastered on my face for years, the charming my life is perfect smile. The girls melted and the guys wanted to be me. None of them knew that I was dying inside, it was all fake and always was. They all seem to be responding the way they always do so maybe I can convince Alicia that I don’t love her.
I stood at my locker and looked down the hall and sure enough she was standing there with her friends, I knew soon enough she will look up to see me and then the show will begin.
Before she did look up, however, Sarah popped into my view. I didn’t want to go this far but it was the perfect way to begin the inevitable break up I was going to make happen.
“Hey Logan, I missed you over the weekend.” She pouted.
I wanted to roll my eyes and tell her to take off, but that wasn’t the part I wanted to play. I puffed out my chest instead and began to smile my winning smile letting my eyes travel up and down to check her out.
“Oh really, and what exactly would we have done had I been around.” I asked with a twinkle in my eye.
“Oh I don’t know.” She responded with a sly smile knowing now she was getting what she wanted. “Maybe a little hot tub, then we can go from there.”
I smiled a huge grin and was just about to respond when someone cleared their throat right behind Sarah. I had known she had noticed us speaking of course, I knew she was making her way over there, and I knew she was right behind Sarah hearing every word.
“Oh hey Alicia.” I said with a smile, making sure I didn’t call her Princess.
“Ahh hi, Logan can we maybe talk for a second?” She asked clearly confused and suspicious of what was going on.
“Sure.” I said with an arrogant smile and followed her. Not leaving without giving Sarah a wink that Alicia clearly saw.
We went into a more private spot away from the crowds so we could talk, more like she could talk and I could act like the arrogant asshole that just slept with her and was now done.
“Whats going on Logan? Why are you suddenly acting so weird?” She asked with a sad look on her face that made me want to just kiss her and make everything ok.
“I don’t know what you are talking about, I’m acting like the same old me.” I shrugged keeping the arrogant smile on my face.
“Well this certainly isn’t the person I left yesterday, so I would like to know what’s going on.” She pushed.
I didn’t quite know what to say because my confidence was starting to crumble just looking in her eyes, so I looked away. She suddenly put her hand on my cheek and pushed my face to look at her.
“Hey, look at me Logan, what is wrong? Is this about what you were going to tell me the other day?” She asked again.
When she touched me a flood of emotion came at me all at once and I backed up from her. Sarah was close by and I realized this was the only way to make her walk away from me.
“Look Alicia, we had fun right? That’s all this was, it was all just a game and you really need to move on, I know I have.” At which point I grabbed Sarah and kissed her in front of the whole school and Alicia.
When I looked up I expected to see tears, I expected anger and yelling. But what I saw was more like a look my mother used to give me when I did something wrong, a look of disappointment from someone who will love you unconditionally. She had a sad look on her face but it wasn’t for her, it was for me. Still after all this, after everyone in the school believing every word and every smile and every fake facade, she saw right through me and it was written all over her face.
She simply just walked up to me, put her hand on my chest and said “Ok Logan, when your ready I will be here. I’m not going anywhere.” Then she walked away from me.
“My god that girl is clingy.” Sarah scoffed, while still hugging my arm.
I slipped out of her grasp and left her there confused. I’m sure she will get over it. Sure enough her girlfriends showed up and I heard them squealing behind me.
What can I do to convince her to walk away. This is not what I was used to, the look she gave unhinged me. It felt too close to home, she felt like home, it made me want to forget this whole thing and keep her with me, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t forget what it meant to let her into my life, the burden she would have to take. That man I used to call my father is dangerous and I wasn’t going to let her get exposed to that.
Alicia’s reaction was too much for me that I couldn’t even attend class, I had to leave. I had to get out of there before I had another encounter with her and I can’t keep up the act any longer. I left and went for a drive, just to be alone, hopefully so I could regroup and come back tomorrow able to convince Alicia that we are over.