Agustin’s POV…..
It’s been two hour since I told Kane to investigate into the matter, no call nothing, what is taking him so long?
I was restlessly pacing around my room, any bit of sound had me running for my phone, my heart was about to come out of my rid cage.
I eyed Onika’s file, suspiciously. Maybe she might have mentioned something in her later entries. I took the file and opened it with shaky hands.
………………………………………………….
# Day 30
You remember Agustin once you looked right into my eyes and asked me,
‘Was your love not enough for me that I betrayed you the first chance I got?’
One beat, two beat, three beat and I don’t know how many beats passed and I just kept staring at you, letting it sink into my head what you just asked.
It was like you had physically hit me, the force of it more violent than it had ever been before. I couldn’t breathe for a few moments.
Did you seriously just asked me that? If only you knew the truth, you would have laughed at your own question.
It was the same question I wanted to ask you since forever, and how easily you asked me the same thing without as much as a frown forming on your forehead, the question slipped past your lips as natural as ‘I love you, Onika’ used to.
I so wanted to smash your head on the wall. I should be the one asking you that not you, if anyone has got the right to ask that, it’s me, only me.
But as soon as you asked the very same question to me, my question was already answered.
At that moment something hit me hard.
Sometimes I can’t help but notice the similarities between you and me, both are not good at judging people.
I am tired of thinking where did I went wrong, people say if you are ready to love you should also be ready to compromise and sacrifice, or else you are not ready for it.
The question is how much, till how long, how do you know you have reached your limits, now you need to stop compromising?
I guess it’s when your self respect has to do the compromising, and I did compromise my self respect at many points for you, that is where I went wrong.
Realising that I have my own share of fault for where I stand today had my stomach church in disgust.
I fucking chose you. How could I have loved someone like you, You are not even a man.
And I gave you the only answer that came to my mind,
‘Yes Agustin, you are right, your love was not enough.’
As soon as I said that, all hell break loose and a never ending cascade of tortures started. That was my undoing, but I never regretted having said that and never will.
………………………………………………….
# Day 31
Life was always unfair to me, it has never been easy, but I took it as a challenge, because that is what I learnt from my mother.
The lesson every parents teach their child, every bad thing that happens to us teach us some lesson, add to our experience, so I took every blow on my chin, to come out of it being stronger. What I was also taught was, every bad thing has to eventually come to an end. It has to right? It seemed logical so I believed it, after all nothing lasts for forever.
Then you came alone, and every theory fell apart.
In my case I assumed you to be that light everyone talks about, the one you find at the bottom of a tunnel. The silver lining to the dark clouds as they say.
Little did I know, you where just another lesson to be learnt, the only difference being, I didn’t come out of it being stronger, this time I came out of it being dead.
………………………………………………….
#Day 32
You can’t so easily uproot the love for someone…. it takes years to just lessen it if not completely distinguish it.
Same goes for hate.
And I bloody hate you.
But you know what is funny, I don’t want to hate you, because it burns me to my very core, not letting me sleep at night and I don’t freaking want you to have that power over me.
I want you to be my nothing, because that is what I was to you, hating you means giving you way too much importance and you aren’t fucking deserving of it.
………………………………………………….
#Day 33
I need to remind myself every now and then, that the person I was in love with doesn’t exist, he was just in my imaginations. You can’t be in love with an imagination, right?
It hurts like a bitch to think that the person I was in love with never even existed.
I never thought that I would say this but, it would have been better if you were dead, instead of me having to see your real face, at least your memories still would have brought peace to my heart, I would have always cherished it till my last breath, now all it does is bring immeasurable amount of pain. All the good memories we had together are now tainted with your betrayal. It has become a cross around my neck, suffocating me.
………………………………………………….
# Day 34
Today I had a little accident, I was walking on the road absent mindedly and a car was about to hit me, it was like I saw death from very close, at that moment I realised one thing, I don’t want to die.
In a day thousands of time I wish I were dead. But NO, this is not what I want.
The first thought that came to my mind was of Alex. His eyes full of love looking at me. He depends on me, he needs me. My parents left me to live in this cruel world all alone, I can’t do that to Alex.
Its about time, I need to pick up my broken pieces, put it back together in place.
But the only problem is that even if I put them together using everything in me, it doesn’t stays that way for long and all my efforts goes in vain. I have to find a way to keep it like that, glue it somehow so that it doesn’t fall apart within a heartbeat as soon as I think of you.
But I will find a way, this is my promise to myself, the one I intend to keep.
For Alex.
………………………………………………….
# Day 35
I am doing this for the last time.
Writing these entries have helped me a lot to stabilise my mind, I have come to a conclusion, finally I need to admit this to myself, there is no more denial.
I have to be honest with myself.
A small part of me will always love you but I need to understand and remember that the person my heart craves for was merely my imagination, conjured by my mind, he doesn’t exist in real.
My heart will always show an increase in its pace whenever I hear your name, it’s almost a visceral reaction, a reflex, it may not be in a good way, it is mainly out of fear and…. something else, I quite couldn’t place this something else, it’s a mix of emotion I don’t have any name for.
I am scared the wounds may have healed but the scar will remain engraved in my soul as a permanent damage….. it may not pain as much it did before but it is going to remain to always remind me of you.
I have learned how to be in peace with it, I know how to send you at the back of my mind and keep you there….. for at least until I am alone.
No matter how much time passes, how much water flows under the bridge, you will never fade into nothingness, never… and I have learned to live with it.
Good bye Agustin.
Today I am setting myself free, free of you.
………………………………………………….
The whole world is spinning around my eyes, my head pounding like a hammer.
‘No matter how much time passes, how much water flows under the bridge, you will never fade into nothingness, never… and I have learned to live with it.’
Does she still loves me?
I am utterly confused.
If so then she hides it too well, I have never seen any sign of vulnerability on her face when I am around. Never seen her weaken infront of me.
I sighed in complete frustration and sheer helplessness, like a fish out of water.
What are you hiding Onika, please someone tell me there can’t possibly be anymore damage I could have done.
My phone rang, bringing me out of my reverie.
Kane.
I immidiatly latched the phone to my ear.
“Speak.”
“John Cadalo was hard to crack but…” I cut him off harshly.
“You have your ways, I got that now come to the point.” I said impatiently.
“He doesn’t know much details, though he did give us some leads but we need to dig deeper. ” I nodded my head and urged him to continue.
“Miss Onika called John that day and told him she need to get out of the house its urgent so John Cadalo diffused the security system with the help of the information Jocob Sir provided him, and called for a cab for her, she escaped through the back door….” He paused before continuing.
“John said when Onika called him she was crying badly and said she needs to get away from you badly she needs to get far away, somewhere where you can’t ever find her, John asked what is the matter all of a sudden, considering that you were not home that day, you and Jacob Sir, both were in LA attending an important meeting, all she said was…” he again paused for a while, and I closed my eyes, I know, I know whatever it is, it’s bad.
” She said, I quote ‘I am not giving Agustin Deluca anymore of myself, this ends here, the day I ever let him degrade myself like this again will be the day I breathe my last.’ He looked at me, as if waiting for my order to continue, I nodded my head numbly.
“I would rather get hit by a truck or jump of a cliff than get killed by him.’ I stopped breathing. There was a malignant silence. For several minutes before he continued.
” John Cadalo said she was acting like she was… possessed, something was very wrong, she was acting… hysterically.”
“I have sent investigators to find out where to she took the cab for from your mansion, but as it’s more than two years since it happened, it may take a bit of time, an hour or so.”
With that he went off. And I sat completely numb in my place, without moving a muscle, I don’t know how long it was when Kane came back. It could have been hours it could have been days.
I was shocked to see what he was carrying in his hand.
A hospital file.
I gave him a confused look, and asked, “what is this?”
He just gulped the saliva down his throat and passed me the file.
******************