Onika’s POV……
A day before I would never have imagined I would be standing on a terrace of an extravagant hotel in Los Vagus. But here I am. I have never seen something like this, it’s simply….. breath taking.
I looked at the view infront of me, completely awestruck. Millions of lights dazzling infront of my eyes, like tiny stars on earth, cold breeze blowing past my face in a complete bliss, I just lost myself in the view.
It was then I realized, I was smiling, and it’s that kind of smile which makes your cheeks hurt but you just can’t help it.
I shuddered at the realisation, a bit taken aback by my own reaction. I always have to put this fake smile infront of people, that will just go away as soon as they avert their gaze, I have lost count since how long it has been like that…. since how many years. It became a part of who I am. A constant.
But at this very moment I don’t have to pretend, because I actually am happy, there is no pretending. It’s like there is an aura of peace surrounding me, which will keep my demons away.
I felt someone’s intense gaze on me.
I crooked my head a little to the side to look at Jacob, to find him looking intently at me, in a way that can make anyone’s heart flutter.
“It’s beautiful.” I said.
“I agree…. beautiful.” He repeated, his eyes never leaving mine.
He always has this glint in his gaze which can make you feel as if he can look directly into your soul, no matter how hard I try to keep my guards high.
“So you come here often? The way the staffs were treating you, looks like you are their important client.” I asked, he just gave me a sheepish look.
“Don’t tell me you are the owner?” I asked incredulously.
“You can say that, actually It was my grandfather’s, I got it in inheritance.”
“You were really close to your grand parents, weren’t you?” I asked carefully.
“I was more close to my grandparents then I will ever be to my own parents…” He said, a bitter expression taking over his expressions.
How strange is this world, some doesn’t have any family and those who have aren’t happy either. Nothing defines happiness, or maybe it’s not the relationship but the person you are in relationship with is what defines it.
Not knowing what to do, I squeezed his hands gently to offer comfort.
I could see the turmoil of various emotions in his eyes, I gulped the saliva down my throat. He suddenly averted his gaze away from me, as if trying hard to hide the trouble he is going through… not wanting me to see it.
It was silent for a few minutes. I was internally cursing myself for ruining the moment, when he suddenly spoke.
“Do you want to hear a story Onika?” His eyes still trained forwards, refusing to meet my gaze, in an attempt to hide his vulnerability.
I took a shaky breath and took a step backwards, as if struck. I still remember the story of the caged bird he told me, and I can’t help but note the similarities between the caged bird and me.
So when he asked me if I want to hear a story, I knew something big was coming, and I think I have an idea of what it is. Before I can take another step back he caught my wrist, his hold was firm, yet gentle.
“There is no more running away this time…” He said in a whisper, I wasn’t sure whether he was talking to me or himself.
I took a deep breath to prepare myself for what was coming.
“Once there was a boy, who didn’t use to believe in love, he heard people say finding true love is not easy. The boy arrogantly thought to himself ‘of course it is not easy, because it doesn’t exist, simple.’
He thought he had things figured out in his life. Everything was planned. He was the one in control and things will go the way he wanted them to, and he won’t have it any other way.
Everything was perfect, or so he thought.
He thought what could go wrong?
What he didn’t realize was, Everything.
Everything could go wrong, all it took was just a girl with beautiful doe eyes.
At that moment he desperately wished, wished that all those things he heard to be true. He wished it was hard to fall in love, he wished nothing like love existed, after all that is what he made himself believe for half of his life.
He soon came to realise, every single thing he heard was a motherfucking lie.
Who so ever said that falling in love is hard is one motherfucking lying bastard. Because it was Too Easy. As easy as breathing, as natural as the beating of the heart. All it took was just for the girl to smile his way, with her sparkling blue eyes, and everything went haywire.
That was the day he came to know the life he thought as perfect was just an empty shell.
The control he so much prided himself for slipped through his hands like sand and he couldn’t do a single fucking thing about it.
She broke through his walls to enter his heart, too fast and too deep… and no matter how hard he tried to get her out, she was there to stay.
She was the kind of girl that come alone once in ten thousand lifetimes.
He tried hard to resist his urges, he tried hard to get the girl out of his mind, believe me he tried everything.
The more he tried, the deeper he fell.
He finally gave up on trying not to love her, he understood he would have to accept it…. he didn’t have any other option, not breathing became easier than not loving her.
Then a thought came to his mind, maybe giving love a chance might not be such a bad idea. After many internal conflicts he finally decided to man up and confess his feelings to the girl
But life had other plans for him. The day he decided to confess his feelings was the day he came to know she was a forbidden fruit, for his best friend was in love with the same girl, he felt like a bucket of cold water was just splashed over him.
The very best friend whom he treated as his own brother, he was ready to take a bullet aimed at his friend without a second thought.
He was completely torn.
He could have given up anything for the girl…. anything, except his friend’s happiness.
So he made a decision, He chose his friend, without a second thought and he called it a sacrifice.
Oh how magnanimous of him isn’t it?
Huh, he was wrong, dead wrong if he thought things were going to be okay with time.
If he thought things were hard before, then he didn’t know what was kept for him in reserve, he didn’t know his sufferings as a result of his ‘so called sacrifice’ has just begun.
Every decision made has a consequence, and the decision was made, it was the time to bear the consequence.
He thought he would maintain his distance and every thing will slowly fall back in place with time, what he didn’t know was distance can’t save you from pain.
It was then he realised what is hard, it’s not falling in love, it’s falling out of it. It’s hard walking away when still madly in love with that person. At times it became so worse that he had to remind himself to keep breathing.
What is hard is to see the love of your life in someone else’s arm, marring someone else infront of your eyes.. and what is hardest is putting a smile while doing it, to let everyone know you are happy for them.
He died every day, ever second, bit by bit till he thought there was nothing left to loose, till he was completely empty, except for his heart, which was still filled with pain…. and love for that girl.
He used to punch his fist on the wall till he was numb with the pain, just to make the pain from the impact overcome that of his heart.
It was so suffocating, there where times when he used to think he had lost it…. but you know what was the only thing keeping him from going insane?
It was knowing that the girl was happy, that was all that mattered at the end of the day, everything was worth the pain till she was happy.
Oh, what a fool he was, back then he didn’t know, the friend he was so confident about to keep the girl happy at all costs will fail him, didn’t know he doesn’t even deserve to breath in the same air as hers, that he would be the reason to kill her soul a thousand times.
What he didn’t know before was, the thing he just named as a sacrifice was the worst decision he made in his life, which nearly killed the girl he loved. Even if the boy did succeed in saving her life, her soul was broken beyond repair, and he can never forgive himself or his friend for that.
At that moment he hated… loathed himself for not choosing her.
If the boy is asked to name one thing for which he is ready to trade his life for, the boy, without any hesitation will answer ‘go back in time and correct his mistake and chose her… yes he will call it a mistake now, blunder even, never a sacrifice, something which cost that girl her pure soul, can never be a sacrifice.”
By the time Jacob finished speaking, every thing was silent, dead silent.
I just started at him dumbfounded, if I thought I was the only one who has suffered, I was dead wrong.
My heart shank in despair, at his admission, it is not like I didn’t know before that he loved me, but the moment my eyes met his, and I saw the pain there, so much pain that I doubled over and stumbled back just by the intensity of it.
Each word came gushing at me, piercing my heart like a serrated knife. Till I thought my knees would give up.
And then it happened, a tear escaped my eyes, then another, then another. I closed my eyes against the stinging tears.
My heart shattered into pieces, and the worst part is, I don’t even know what to do, I don’t know where I stand.
The idea of Jacob going through so much because of me was giving me shakes . My heart broke at his pained expression.
“I-I am so-sorry…” I tried to speak but chocked on the my sob.
The next thing I know, he had his hands snaked around shoulder.
“Hey, you have nothing to be sorry about, if anything I should be sorry for not being able to protect you from Agustin.”
“I-I…” I didn’t know how to say- what to say.
“Shhhh.. it’s okay, you don’t need to say anything Onika, I am not asking for a happily ever after, I know you are not ready for this, you may care for me but I know you don’t love me, and I can never ask you to settle for a loveless life, you deserve so much more, you deserve more than me or Agustin. We both made our mistakes.”
“You have made a mistake?” I let out a small humourless laugh, “so had I, so does everyone.. it’s not about….”I trailed off, it’s not about me, it’s about you being trapped in a loveless life.
I know he won’t understand this now, but I don’t think I can ever love again, In any other world I would have instantly agreed to be with him, in a heartbeat, love or not. But it’s he who deserve so much more than being stuck with me in a loveless life.
Even if I act to be happy with him, he would know immediately, he cares way to much.
I need time to heal my heart, and even after years I won’t be sure if I will be able to love again, and I am not about to ask him to wait for me till eternity, beacuse I know if I ask, that is what he will do, without batting an eye.
It was as if Jacob had read my thoughts, “hey, don’t blame yourself, I didn’t tell you this to prove anything, I just did it because….”he trailed off.
So I completed for him, “because you can’t take it anymore.”
He didn’t say anything, just leaned forwards and rested his forhead against mine, a serene expression taking over his features, as if he had found his peace.
I could have died of heartache at that moment.
I didn’t know for how long we stood that way, I was just rooted to my place as still as a statue carved of stone, afraid to make any movement that will break his moment of peace.
I could even feel Jacob’s heartbeat, the warmth radiating from him.
After a while, he reluctantly let go and pressed a soft feather like kiss on my forehead.
He backed and looked into my eyes, a soft reassuring smile playing across his lips, as if everything was back to normal, as if trying assure me every thing was okay, but I know it is taking everything in him not to show his vulnerability for my sake, as it is taking everything in me not to get knocked on my knees and ask you his forgivness, for making him go through all this.
And at that moment, I just wanted to say ‘kill me Jacob, it would be easier than see you hurting, see both of us hurting.’
You are not worth the lives you have destroyed Agustin, you are a fool not to realise that the best thing that ever happened to you is not me, as you once said, it’s Jacob. And you can never ever repay him back, never.
“Oh, I almost forgot.” He suddenly said and took out something from his pocket. “I have something for you.”
He took my hand and put a small box on it, urging me to open it.
I opened it with shaky hands.
What I saw took my breath away, it was a beautiful little pendant.
It was simply beautiful, I can’t help but think it must have cost him a fortune.
I took the pendant out.
It was a small bird with her wings outstretched.
“A bird.” I said almost unconscious, completely fascinated by it.
Jacob nodded and said, “not just any bird, it’s a phoenix, every time a phoenix burn in flames, it rise again from its own ashes, being whole again, stronger than before, as pure as before.”
Tripping my chin up, he met my eyes, and the next thing he said made my heart skip a beat, ” You are the phoenix.”
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