My head is just about to explode. Why the fuck did I drink so much last night. In fact I have not stopped since she has been gone and quite frankly I do not give a fuck. Yes I am busy self-destructing and I don’t care.
It has been a week now and we no closer than what we were before. I miss her, I am really nothing if I don’t have her. The emptiness is killing me, the loneliness is suffocating. How am I supposed to continue living if my reason for reason for living is gone.
I drag my sorry ass downstairs, it is time to sober up again.
Kenton ~”You look like shit.”
Trayton ~”I am glad you so observant.”
Dominic ~”And you smell like a fucking brewery.”
Trayton ~”I am glad your senses are working.”
Kenton ~”How long are you going to do this?”
Trayton ~”Until I fucking want to.”
Dominic ~”You no good to her if you are constantly drunk.”
Trayton ~”Did I ask for your damn opinion? Go do something useful and leave me the fuck alone.”
Kenton ~”Why don’t you go do something useful and clean yourself the fuck up.”
Trayton ~”I don’t need this bullshit from you both, just get the fuck out of my face.”
Kenton ~”I am not getting anything out your face until you stop this pity party for yourself.”
Trayton ~”I will fucking show you what a damn pity party is.”
Kenton ~”How do your drunk ass expect to find her if you can’t find yourself.”
Trayton ~”My drunk ass is not your problem.”
I get another bottle of whiskey and go sit in my office. Yes it is only seven in the morning, but like I said I don’t give a fuck.
Once I am in my study, I try her number again and check if her email works.
Trayton ~”For fuck sakes Ava! Where the hell are you?”
But there is an email that I have been waiting for, it is Bruce, he has found her parents.
…………………………………………..
With Ava…
It’s been a week. He has not found me yet. Truth is, he is not going to find me unless if I want to be found. I will speak to him one day but I don’t see that being any time very soon.
I am meeting mom today, we will be going together to the doctor. I am so excited but also very scared. I agreed to pick her up at a coffee shop on the opposite side of town.
I pull in the parking lot at the coffee shop and she is already there waiting for me.
Mary ~”Ava ! Oh my, gosh sweety I am so happy to see you. You are looking so well.”
Mom runs to me and nearly squeezes me to death.
Ava ~”Mom you going to squash me.”
Mary ~”I am just so excited. Are you ready for this?”
Ava ~”I just want to see what the baby looks like.”
Mary ~”Are you feeling sick and all that exciting stuff yet?”
Ava ~”I don’t see how exciting morning sickness can be. It is the worst and all the damn flapjacks are going straight to my ass.”
Mary ~”I looked like a bus when I carried those boys. Trayton was one big ass baby.”
Ava ~”Great I am going to look like a big bus. My stomach is going to be twice the size than my skinny ass. ”
Mary ~”And the swollen ankles is a bitch.”
Ava ~”Thanks mom you are really draining the excitement out my bones.”
Mary ~”Come let’s go see that little man in your belly.”
Ava ~”What makes mom think it’s a boy, is it not a bit too early for that?”
Mary ~”Boys kind of runs in the family”.
Ava ~”I can only imagine how naughty a small Trayton can be.”
After getting some coffee to go, we get in the car and head off to see the doctor. Mom found a very good obstetrician outside the city.
…………………………………………..
With Trayton…
I get up to go clean myself up. I need to go see Bruce. I cannot believe he actually found her family. I need to get hold of them and hopefully I can get them back together as family again.
Now I just need to find Ava but that has not been going well. There is no leads to go on and absolutely no attempt from her to contact me either.
I make my way to my room and have a shower. Half an hour later I am downstairs ready to leave.
Kenton ~”Where are you going?”
Trayton ~”Out.”
Kenton ~”Where is out?”
Trayton ~”None of your business.”
Kenton ~”It is my business if you going out to go get pissed.”
Trayton ~”You not my fucking mother.”
Kenton ~”You damn right, mom will be too soft on you.”
Trayton ~”Where is she anyway?”
Kenton ~”Same attitude as you. She is going out.”
Trayton ~”She is up to no good again.”
I grab my keys and a bottle of water and head out the door. I am not in the mood for his over protective ass today. I am hoping that finding her family will bring us together again. I want her to see that I do care about her.
…………………………………………..
With Ava…
We are at the doctor and I am shivering that is how shit scared I am. I have not let go of mom’s hand once since we have walked in.
Doctor ~”Ava do you want to come through?”
Ava ~”Please come with mom.”
We go into the consultation room. The doctor goes through the key important things that my body is going to go through. If I was not shit scared before, I am scared shitless now.
Next she does a general examination. Here I am thinking that is the worst that this is going to get. But I am wrong.
Doctor ~”Come Ava, let’s do a scan.”
Ava ~”I thought we were done?”
Doctor ~”We need to check if the baby is okay.”
She takes me into a room next door. I put one of those awful robes on and lay down on the bed. She spurts some fucking cold gel on my belly and rub the transducer over it.
Doctor ~”And there is your baby. Everything is okay.”
Ava ~”Mom come look here. It looks so cute. That little bean is a baby. Trayton’s and my baby.”
Mary ~”Oh sweety, I wish he was here to see it.”
Ava ~”Me too, I really wish he was here too mom.”
Doctor ~”I will print this out for you then you can show him.”
We wait a couple of minutes while the doctors does the printouts. Once we done making my next appointment, we grab some healthy smoothie next door, get the vitamins the doctor said and then we head home.
The drive home is very quiet, mom does not ask questions nor does she push a conversation. She knows that I am down because Trayton could not see the baby. It’s one of the very first milestones in a pregnancy and he was not there.
We get back to the coffee shop. After making arrangements to have coffee later the week, I say bye to mom and we both go to our homes.
…………………………………………..
With Trayton…
I want to say I am excited but then I don’t want to feel excited if Ava is not here. I have a location for her mom and dad. The minute I see her again, I am taking her to them.
When I get back home, I walk straight past everyone that is in the kitchen and go to my office. I kick the door shut and lock it behind me.
If there is anything that I have really screwed up then it is this. I have a pregnant fiancé out there that does not want anything to do with me. My heart is shattered and frankly it can stay like that.
…………………………………………..
With Ava…
This is the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I wish I could show Trayton. I believe this will get better, I can be a single mom. I can give my child everything even without a father.
Like every night as I have been, I fall asleep crying again.
…………………………………………..
With Trayton…
It has been another two weeks that has pass and we still have nothing. She does not want to be found, I must come to terms with it but I will not, I am not ready to give up.
Between my office here and the one at the club, I have not spoken much and feel like a stranger in my own house.
…………………………………………..
With Ava…
Mom and I have gone twice to the doctor again. I am officially fourteen weeks pregnant now and yes I am getting as big as a bus. My cravings are totally out of control. I have been wanting combinations of food that no normal person would eat. My absolute best is pickles and Nutella.
I have started building things together for the nursery. Must say I have become quite the online shopper. Only thing though, I am not sure if I am shopping for a boy or a girl. I have not wanted to find out the sex yet. Maybe with my next visit.
…………………………………………..
With Trayton…
It has been far too long now. She should be about seventeen weeks pregnant. I have missed such a big part of the baby’s life. I am loosing hope and I am starting to give up. These past months has been a nightmare. I don’t sleep and all I do is drink. I am wasting away.
I give up.
…………………………………………..
With Ava…
I am twenty weeks pregnant now. It is been an up and down ride. At times frustrating and at most times exciting. The times when it is frustrating is the times that I nearly phone him. I don’t know why I just stop being so stubborn and phone him. Phoning him does not mean that we should get back together again.
I am meeting mom for coffee again today and then we going to the doctor. She has been good at not telling Trayton that she has been seeing me.
…………………………………………..
With Trayton…
What can I say? Nothing. The club is close to going under. If it was not for Kenton, it would have been closed by now. As for any jobs for Bruce, I have not touched my riffle since she left. I just don’t care anymore.
I make my way into the kitchen where everyone are there as usual. Fantastic, all I need is for everyone’s damn opinion. All I want is my whiskey.
Mary ~”Hey sweety can I get you anything?”
Trayton ~”Please pass me that whiskey over there.”
Kenton ~”Trayton don’t you think…”
Trayton ~”Don’t you think to even start telling me what to do?”
Dominic ~”We just concerned.”
Trayton ~”Well keep your concerns to yourself.”
Kenton ~”Trayton at least get out of your office.”
Trayton ~”The last time I checked this is my house. I will fucking sit where I want to.”
Dominic ~”This is not going to bring her back.”
Trayton ~”It has been months, does it look like she is fucking coming back!”
Mary ~”Please don’t lose hope.”
Trayton ~”What is hope? A fucking word for cowards that are stupid enough to believe things will be okay. There is no such thing as goddamn hope.”
Kenton ~”At least have dinner with us tonight. Mom has made your favourite.”
Trayton ~”Why the fuck must I care?”
Kenton ~”Because it is your fucking birthday today.”
Trayton ~”Thanks for reminding me what a fucked up grown ass man I am.”
Mom hands me my whiskey and I head on back to my office. Who gives a fuck it’s my birthday today.
…………………………………………..
With Ava…
It is his birthday today. I don’t know what to do. Must I phone him? If I message him then he will have my number. I think I must phone him. Maybe I should phone mom first.
Ava ~”Mom.”
Mary ~”Hey sweety. I hope you are phoning for him. He is impossible. He has locked himself in the office again.”
Ava ~”I will phone him, I just wanted to check in what mood he is. I don’t want him to fight with me.”
Mary ~”I am sure that is the last thing he will do. But good luck. Let me know how it goes.”
Ava ~”Love you mom.”
Mary ~”Love you and baby too.”
I drop the call and dial his number immediately before I even get the time to hesitate.
It rings.
Fuck I am so nervous.
It rings.
There is no answer.
I hope he is going to answer.
It rings.
No answer.
It goes over to voicemail.
Ava ~”Hi Trayton. Just wanted to wish you for your birthday. Anyway hope you are well. Chat sometime soon.”
I drop the call and curl into a bundle on my bed. I cannot leave things like that.
…………………………………………..
With Trayton…
I think I must just pack my shit up and fuck off. This bunch can stay here and irritate each other. There is nothing keeping me here. Yes my ass is drunk again and I am feeling sorry for myself.
I must be honest I actually completely forgot that it is my birthday today. How does one forget that, guess I have not really bothered to pay attention to the world.
I notice my phone is flashing with a message. I must have put the damn thing on silent again. I take it and go through my messages. There is a call from an unknown number and a voicemail too.
I dial and listen.
Ava ~”Hi Tray. Just wanted to wish you for your birthday. Anyway hope you are well. Chat sometime soon.”
Trayton ~”AVA ~! WHY THE FUCK DID I MISS HER CALL! I AM AFUCKING IDIOT.”
I storm out the room and run to the kitchen.
Kenton ~”Woah what is the rush?”
Trayton ~”It’s Ava. She phoned.”
Kenton ~”Fuck where is she? What did she say? Is she okay?”
Trayton ~”My phone was on fucking silent. I am so goddamn stupid.”
Mary ~”Why don’t you phone her back?”
Trayton ~
“It’s an unknown number.”
Kenton ~
“Fuck you are a dumbass.”
Just then the doorbell rings.
Trayton ~”Who is expecting someone? Did you idiots invite people over?”
Mary ~”No not me.”
Kenton ~”Neither me.”
Dominic ~”Don’t look at me.”
The doorbell rings again.
Trayton ~”I am coming.”
This better be good.
I fling the door open.
I am dumbstruck.
Trayton ~”Ava!”
Ava ~”Hey birthday boy. We thought you could do with some cheering up.”
Trayton ~”Fuck baby girl you are so big.”
Ava ~”Stop insulting my weight and give me a hug.”
I pull her into my embrace and give her a gentle hug. This is the best present I could have hoped for.