“Are you going somewhere?”
“Yes”, I go through my cupboard, look down at whatever I’m already wearing.
“Where? With whom?”
I give Anshu a you-know-who look.
“Where are you going?”, she repeats.
“Dinner.”
She scans my attire, “You look fine, if it’s just dinner, unless you have other plans, you know.”
I try hard to keep the blush out, as I roll my eyes, underplaying it even if my heart raced for a second, “Lol.”
“Are you returning?”
I frown, “What?”
“I mean, are you coming back to the room tonight?”
“Anshu!”, I throw a Kurti on her face as I hunt through my closet.
“What about protection ?”, she asks like she’s asking me about my wallet.
“Stop it”, I hiss, “We’re just going for a dinner. And I will be back home. Stop this crap.”
“Oh”, I glare at her disappointed face, “But it’s high time you guys have sex.”
“I’m gonna break your face if you continue to speak nonsense.”
Anshu rolls her eyes, “Just wear this”, she hands me a black top and jeans, “The dude’s hair will turn grey by the time you find a dress.”
I give her the stink eye, grabbing my clothes from her hand.
“Are you sure you don’t need condoms? I have a few in my wallet, just in—”
I smack a hand over her mouth, “We’re not going to have sex. Shut the fuck up.”
“Why so violent”, she mumbles, rubbing her chin.
“Bye. Call Avyukth over, so you could make use of them, desperate human”, I roll my eyes, bidding her Bye.
I take a deep breath, nervous that my heart started to speed up in Nikhil’s presence, a behaviour I’ve recently picked up, but something that makes me anxious as fuck.
“Hey.”
“Hi again.”
We walk in comfortable silence towards his car, “Do you have a place in mind?”
I shrug, “Not really. What about you?”
Nikhil shakes his head, “We’ll go to the place we usually go to or something new then?”
“We could go somewhere else”, I fish out my mobile from my pocket.
It could be our place.
I discard the silly thought immediately, trying to stop a sheepish smile from erupting.
“Cool”, Nikhil smiles, as we sit in the car, checking places out.
We decide on The Sassy Spoon.
Just because of the name.
I could feel my palms sweating as I sat quietly, restless.
“All okay, Sandy?”, Nikhil asks when I sigh the third time.
“Of course”, I say, the tense atmosphere vanishing in an instant as Nikhil gives me a warm smile, my own mirroring his.
He squeezes my hand for a moment, going back to driving the next.
“I’m still me Sandy, and you’re still you. Be the same, confident. I don’t want to change you”, he turns to me, “Although I can’t deny I like the shy version too.”
I slap his shoulder lightly, “Shut up.”
I’m smiling as we enter the restaurant.
“What?”, I tilt my head, confused when Nikhil would simply stare at me smile, shake his head and continue to eat.
“What?”, Nikhil shrugged, biting a piece of prawn.
“Huh?”, Did I see wrong? I shrugged to myself, continuing to eat.
Our dinner was interrupted when Nikhil received a notification, his mood turning 180 when he looked at his mobile.
“All okay?”
“Yes”, a frown marrs my face at his clipped tone.
“Uh. Okay”, I mumble, uncomfortable to pry.
Nikhil sighs, running a had through his hair, disturbed, “Sure?”, I question again.
Nikhil gives me a long look, “Anu texted me the place of meeting with some girl for the weekend.”
“Oh”, I suddenly wished I didn’t ask.
Calm.
Stay calm.
Talk this through.
Right.
“Alright”, I nod my head, having nothing else to say.
Nikhil looks at me weirdly, “Do you not have anything else to say?”
I shrug, a sly smile on my face, “You asked me trust you, didn’t you?”
“Touche”, Nikhil laughs, a solemn look garnering his features after a moment. He entwines our fingers, “I… I’m Sorry Sandy. I understand you may not like that I’ve agreed to meet someone when…”, he clears his throat, looks away.
I squeeze his hand, offer him an encouraging smile, “I’m doing it for my mother. She wants me to meet Prachi. I couldn’t deny her. I’m sorry.”
Prachi.
That’s the name.
Is her name prettier than mine?
I snort.
No way.
“I get it”, I nod. I did. But it didn’t stop me from being a tiny bit upset.
“Hey”, Nikhil squeezes my hand, making me look at him, “You have nothing to worry about, alright?”
I smile, nodding my head, uneasy.
Is this how he felt when I was with Dhruv?
I suddenly found all of my actions questionable.
“Hey. Stop overthinking”, Nikhil demands softly, waiting for the bill.
“It’s just… I don’t know”, I shrug.
I don’t want to sound needy. But isn’t honesty important?
I think of a way to convey my thoughts as I stand on the sidewalk, waiting for him to get his car.
“I don’t like the idea”, I say softly, when he looked like he’s still expecting an answer, in the car, hoping it didn’t turn into an ugly argument.
To my utter surprise, Nikhil presses a kiss on the back of my hand, smiling so brightly, it brought a smile on my face.
“What?”, I ask, conscious.
Nikhil leaves another kiss, this time on my palm, smiles, “Don’t stress about it. Okay?”
Ugly insecurities swell inside me.
He had said exactly along these lines before he had invited Dhruv to his place.
But it broke us, left us in an unstable place, where we’re still picking pieces from the damage.
“Come on Sandy. Don’t be like that.”
I force a smile, although I think my face gives it away.
Is this going to be another break for us?
The thought twisted my heart.
Nikhil lets me be, not saying anything as we return.
I sigh, sulking, as I lean my head across the window.
I didn’t realize I was pouting till Nikhil flattens my lips, the car at halt.
I twist my face, slapping his hand away, “What are you doing?”
“Come on.”
I look around, smiling at him as we get out of the car.
We place our orders as we stand on the side, waiting for our ice creams.
We lazily walk on the sidepath, having our ice creams, “Do you think I should tell my parents too, about you?”
My heart stops, “What?”
Nikhil sighs, “How can I reassure you, Sandy? I don’t like seeing you like this.”
“I’m okay.”
“I’d rather you fought with me. I don’t like seeing you with your defences so high”, Nikhil says softly.
I press my lips thin.
I’m scared you’ll leave me again.
I hate feeling insecure.
“It’s just…”
How can I articulate my thoughts without sounding clingy, desperate?
Nikhil nods, gives me a smile.
I shake my head, “Nothing.”
We’ve just started talking. There’s no point in bringing silly insecurities when we’re on the verge of patching up.
Nikhil studies my face, his own dropping, “You know I don’t love you any less just because we haven’t spoken in a while, right?”
I swallow the lump in my throat, as I freeze.
I let myself be vulnerable as I gaze at him with wide, dejected eyes.
Nikhil wraps an arm around my shoulder, “Sandy”, he squeezes my arm, “I… I don’t like seeing you like this”, he says.
I frown, “I didn’t get you.”
Nikhil studies my face, “I know… you were probably hurt with whatever happened. I could understand that much from your conversation with your mom”, Nikhil looks guilty, as I pale. He looks down, unable to make eye contact, “But, I… I genuinely thought you didn’t feel anything from me. I… I felt like a rebound”, he says softly.
Tears well my eyes at his statement, his words a slap.
“I would never do that to you”, I tell him through glassy eyes, biting my lips to prevent a sob.
“Now I know”, Nikhil says, wiping a tear that’s fallen.
I felt like crap.
Him saying it made things so much more real.
Why would I be with him if I don’t like him? How hard is it to grasp the concept?
I distance myself away, suddenly needing space.
Nikhil’s face falls, as he fists his hand.
“I don’t know how I can make you believe”, I start softly.
Constructive.
Be constructive.
Have arguments to come closer, not drift apart.
Mom’s voice rings in my ears.
I keep my sorrow away, trying to alleviate his pain, “Nothing I say might make you believe what you are to me. But I hope, with time, you can understand you were never a rebound. I really liked you, with all my heart. And I did put efforts, although I let insecurities crumble our already fragile relationship.”
Nikhil nods, “I’m Sorry Sandy.”
“It’s alright”, I sniff.
“What can I do for you to become normal?”, Nikhil offers.
I laugh, “You think I’m abnormal?”, I tease.
Nikhil smiles, “I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.”
I wring my fingers, “I’m just… I have this weird feeling… I mean…”, I sigh, not knowing how to explain it.
My heart aches when Nikhil looks hurt, “You were never so hesitant to tell me what was on your mind.”
I sigh, running a hand through my hair.
Rip the band-aid, Sandy.
“I just think you’ll leave, for good, if I speak anything that comes to my mind.”
“What?”
I shrug, “It’s just… a thought.”
“Could you explain?”
I shrug again.
How the fuck do I explain this in the least offensive manner?
“I think speaking without a filter is bad”, I sneak a glance at Nikhil, continuing when he only gives me an assuring smile, letting me put across my point, “I’m usually someone who speaks their mind. Right. I know. But I just feel like”, I chew on my bottom lip, searching for words, “It’s doing more harm than good for us”, Nikhil frowns, but doesn’t interrupt, “Like, you see, the last time, I said we probably shouldn’t be together because I felt like you deserve better, not because I didn’t want to be with you. But now that I think back, it seems foolish. But at that time, I was so driven by society’s judgement. There’s only so much you can reassure yourself when the world keeps pointing fingers at you”, I say softly, clear my throat, “So you see, I had spoken my mind then, but the end result wasn’t beneficial to either of us. That’s why I feel… it’s better to…”, I shrug, “You know…”
“No. I don’t think so”, Nikhil interrupts, “I kind of understand where you’re coming from. I get it. But if you’re unable to speak your mind freely, I don’t think I’m doing a good job as a partner.”
I shake my head, “It’s not like that.”
“Sandy, I said we need a break because I thought… well, you know what I thought. But, if for a second, I knew your words stemmed from… different reasons that you listed out now, I would have never let you gone. I genuinely thought I was fighting a losing battle. That’s the reason for my actions. Had I known you didn’t mean those words, that you thought I didn’t deserve you, not the other way round, I would have never done what I had proposed. At that time, it looked like a dead-end. I apologise, I didn’t give you the chance to explain yourself well. But at the same time, I can assure you I only gave you space because I thought you wanted to end things, so I could make it easy for the both of us.”
I frown, “Um.”
“Sandy”, Nikhil sighs, “I don’t want to change you. You’re lovely the way you are. Never… I mean never take my words or anyone else’s words so seriously that you question your… nature”, Nikhil holds my shoulders, looks me in the eye, “Whatever happened wasn’t because you said what you said. It was because the conversation was misinterpreted. Okay? So, Please. Speak your mind. Speak freely, without a filter. You don’t have to worry about anything. Now I know you’re equally into it. And I appreciate it. But at the same time, it kills me to know that the distance between us has filled you with so many doubts, made you so self conscious.”
I smile, relieved for some reason.
Nikhil places a kiss on my forehead, pulls me into a comforting hug, I wrap my arms around his waist, warmth enveloping me.
“Be yourself, Sandy”, Nikhil says softly , his lips brushing the base of my neck, my hairs rising.
I nod in his arms, the hug sewing all the broken pieces of my heart together.
I’m reluctant to pull away when I see someone from the corner of my eye.
“Let’s leave”, Nikhil offers.
“Yeah”, I nod.
Nikhil intertwines our fingers, as we stroll towards the parking.
“I don’t feel like going home”, Nikhil mumbles.
I laugh, “Me too.”
It felt nice with him.
I wrap my arms around myself, the chill making me shiver.
“We could go to the beach?”, Nikhil says.
“Sure”, I place my hand in his.
Tonight, my hand is in the right place, so is my heart.