I pull away after a few seconds, acutely aware that we’re on the road, in public.
I sniff, my eyes dry.
“Okay?”, Nikhil questions.
I nod, unable to look at him.
I sigh in relief when his mobile rings.
Nikhil clenches his jaw, “Excuse me”, he moves a few feet away.
“No. I don’t want to. I’ve already told you”, I hear Nikhil’s side of the conversation.
I’m totally not eavesdropping.
He just happens to be in my hearing range.
Lol. Keep telling yourself that.
“I’ve told you, haven’t I? Please. I don’t want any of these meetings. I don’t want to meet anyone.”
I freeze. What kind of meeting?
At the same time, Nikhil turns to me, guilty.
Oh. That kind.
My face fall, as Nikhil moves farther away, “Okay. I’ll see what I can do.”
By the time he looked back at me for the second time, I had left.
**
I scrub my showerhead vigorously, getting rid of the algae that had covered it, since it’s been unused for a long time.
Things start to decay, rust, if we leave them for too long, without care, without using them, leaving them as they are.
And it takes double the effort to get it back to it’s original state, the way things were, to normal.
Showerhead.
I’m talking about my showerhead.
I continue to scrub, satisfied when I could see the tiny pores, getting rid of the algae, the dust.
Perfect.
I turn the shower on, uncaring that I may get drenched if the shower works, sighing in relief when water hit me in full speed, like before, like it hadn’t been unused for quite sometime.
Things can improve, with effort.
I groan at all the double meaning in my head.
If I’m comparing a showerhead to my relationship with Nikhil, I’ve gotten crazy.
I take a shower, since I’m already drenched, shutting down emotions, trying to think logically.
Crying got me nowhere.
It only made me vulnerable, miserable.
Once crying sets in, all reason left me, as I victimised myself.
Although crying is good once im a while, I’ve been overdoing it, letting emotion overrule logic.
I take a deep breath, washing my hair.
I could see two ways this obstacle could be overcome.
One. I could throw a tantrum, accuse Nikhil of seeing other girls while we’re on a break, without breaking up properly, hate him, feel like shit , but get over him, start afresh.
Two. I could think calmly, reasonably, that he had no choice but listen to his parents in these kind of situations, since I would do the same if emotionally blackmailed, understand that he’s cornered, not doing anything to willingly hurt me, talk to him, find a solution, and go about it.
Three, I could be overthinking. It may not even be a marriage meeting.
I sincerely hope it’s the third category.
I change into Pyjamas, smiling like a fool when I see three missed calls from Nikhil, when I come out from bath.
I’m about to call back when my mobile rings again.
“Shit. Sandy. I thought you were mad at me. I didn’t—”
“Hey. It’s okay.”
I hear a pause, “As in?”
“It’s fine. You don’t have to panic so much.”
I hear Nikhil’s harsh breaths, “It’s fine as in what? It’s fine I don’t care whom you marry or It’s fine I trust you will discuss things with me?”
I flinch, his words felt like a slap. Nikhil’s been hurting, and he’s taking it out now.
It’s okay. He’s just hurt. He thinks you don’t care. Nikhil would never hurt you intentionally.
Right.
I clear my throat, “I… trust you, Nikhil”, I say softly.
Does he really think he’s the only giver between us. The thought is saddening. But it will take time for him to trust me.
I couldn’t help laugh when I hear a stunned, “Oh.”
Apparently, Nikhil is shocked at my reply.
I am shocked, my subconscious arches an eyebrow. You do first, think later.
I scowl at the mirror in front of me, as I critically judge myself.
Am I actually so volatile?
“Thank you Sandy”, Nikhil’s voice interrupts my thoughts, “I thought you got angry and left. And you didn’t pick any of my calls. So I thought…”
Go on, I think to myself.
Been sometime he acted like this, all lovesick and desperate.
I feel like a sadist as I make no effort to reassure him as he fumbles with his words.
It feels great to be wanted, and being told the same.
What about him, then? Don’t you think he’d want to feel wanted too?
I groan, my thoughts suffocating me.
“It’s alright Nikhil”, I put an end to his suffering, stuttering, “I just left because it kinda hurt that moment. I’m fine now.”
“Okay.”
“It was a proposal, right?”
“Yeah”, he sighs, “It was.”
“And?”
“And?”, he repeats, teasing.
“Are you going to meet?” , I mumble, looking at my bedsheet, my hand smoothening the creases.
“What do you think I should do?”, I’m annoyed when I could hear him smile.
I snort, “I’m not the jealous kind. Do what you want to.”
Nikhil laughs, “There’s a lot of green emotion in that single statement.”
“Lol. No”, I deny, my face warm for some reason.
There’s a pause for a while, “So?”, I goad.
“So?”
“Nikhil”, my tone is flat.
“Since you trust me, you don’t have to worry.”
“Why are you blushing like that?”, I’m startled when I hear another voice.
I give Anshu the stink eye, turning away, groaning when I hear Nikhil laugh.
“You know what? Go meet whoever you want”, I grumble, “Bye.”
Nikhil continues to laugh, “I missed you Sandy.”
My breath hitches, I try to hide my pinker cheeks as Anshu starts to make kissing faces, and suggestive noises.
I’m horrified when she fake moans, as I mute the call, slap her shoulder.
I walk out of my room, rolling my eyes, ignoring the way she smiles, as I unmute the call.
“Sandy? Hello? You there?”
I clear my throat, “Yeah. I’m here.”
“Okay then, talk to you later.”
“Okay. By—Wait. Why are you still standing there?”
“What?” Nikhil looks up, finding me near my window, waves.
I could see Nikhil shrugging, “Thought we could have a face to face talk if things didn’t go right on call.”
“So you… waited there for an hour?”, I feel bad.
“Not really. I’d gone to get something to eat, and came back.”
I shake my head, sighing, “Nikhil. I’m not so unreasonable. Don’t go out of your way to do such things.”
“Are we going to continue to talk on phone, or we’ll go somewhere out for dinner?”
I grin, “Good plan.”