“It’s alright”, I smile at a child, about five to six years old when she apologises for bumping into me, in the corridor.
I hum to myself, taking a seat.
“Umm.”
“Where are we going?”
The both of them look at each other.
I scroll through my mobile, looking for new places to eat at, as I continue to hum.
“What do you think of— What?”
Anshu looks at me worriedly, and then glances at her boyfriend, to which he just nods.
I roll my eyes when Anshu pokes my arm, jumping back a good two feet when I don’t respond.
“Stop being dramatic. Let’s go for lunch. And I’ll tell you what happened. I’m hungry.”
I’m annoyed when I hear them sigh in relief, my eyes flashing, my chest tightening.
We’re in the middle of the meal when tension envelopes us.
“Sandy?”
“Stop talking like I’m a ticking bomb”, I glare at my best friend.
“Aren’t you?”
I continue to glare at her.
Anger is an easier emotion to deal with.
“Fine”She rolls her eyes, taking a sip of her lemonade, “Do we need to punch Nikhil again?”
I press my lips, my senses numbing for a moment.
“No. He’s kind of out of it.”
“What?”, her tone is bewildered.
I press my lips thin as I cut a piece of fish, my vision blurry for some reason.
I gulp down the lump in my throat, blinking furiously.
There’s no way I’m going to cry.
After whatever happened.
“Shit”, I curse when a persistent drop if tear dislodges from it’s place, as I pick a tissue, quickly wiping it away.
Damn.
Shouldn’t have chosen a public setting for this discussion.
“Hey. It’s alright”, Anshu rubs my shoulder.
Best friends are pretty useless.
They have exactly no sense of time or place to comfort.
“Yeah”, I take a deep breath.
“We… had a talk”, My voice is hoarse as I turn to Anshu and Avyukth, as I continue to eat, trying to make it a casual conversation.
“Yeah. So”, I swallow food, tears, words, ” We just came to a mutual conclusion that we shouldn’t pay heed to others’ words, and just try harder in our relationship.”
Avyukth frowns, “That’s… good, right?”
I sniff, nodding, “Yup.”
“Why are you upset about it then?”, he frowns.
“I’m just a bit overwhelmed. That’s all.”
Anshu narrows her eyes, “What are you not telling?”
I try hard to make a I’m-completely-alright-so-don’t- overanalyse-me-face.
“That’s all. Nothing happened”, I shrug, my voice sounding bitter even to my own ears , “Nothing happened.”
I’m relieved when the waiter comes with our bill.
**
As I lay in bed that night, I couldn’t help crying into the dark as I recall the events of the previous day.
“I do like you Nikhil”, I answer his question, taking a deep breath.
There’s a bittersweet smile on my face when he gives me a full blown smile, hugging me.
I allow him to wrap his arms around me, my own going around his shoulder, “But I really think we’re not cut out for it.”
“What do you mean?”, He pulls away.
I wipe my face, a headache starting to form, “Look Nikhil. I… like you. That’s true. But… I think we jumped into it head first without thinking of the consequences.”
My heart aches when Nikhil’s eyes harden, “We didn’t jump into anything Sandy. At this point, what am I to you, even? Do you have an answer?”
I look away, his gaze burning me.
“All of these… complications wouldn’t have arisen if we’d made it official, made things known”, tears start to fall my eyes when I detect the bitterness in his tone.
“So me being bad mouthed is my fault, right?”
“I didn’t say that”, he runs a hand through his hair.
“What are you saying then?”
Nikhil turns to me completely, mere inches separating us. My eyes shut for a second when he cups my face, “Sandy”, he starts, his voice hoarse, “I genuinely don’t care what others talk. Since it’s obviously bothering you, I said that. And frankly, you are doing my head. Where do we stand? I myself don’t know this. But I also know where you’re coming from. I understand. But not everyone does.”
“I don’t care what people say.”
“Why are Dhruv’s words affecting you then?”
I glare acidly at Nikhil, “What the fuck are you trying to say?”
“It’s like you want a reason to… finish whatever we have.”
“What?”, I whisper, the lump in my throat preventing me to speak.
“I can understand you’re upset. Heck, you have every right to be. But you saying things like this”, Nikhil shrugs, “I’m not the one for you or that we shouldn’t be together, you know, things along those lines, I seriously wonder. What’s the problem here? People are bound to gossip. Everyone has exes. What’s the big deal about it? Your ex happened to be a friend of mine. There’s no need to complicate things unnecessarily.”
“I am complicating things?”
“What the fuck are you doing then?”, Nikhil hisses, all colour draining from my face, “Instead of trying to fight for whatever is left of our relationship, you want out just because a slight bump came on the way. At this point, I think you know it’s impossible for me to let you go, and so you say these things. Do you have any idea how hurtful it is for me? Have you ever stood in my shoes? I am human Sandy. Even though I try to reassure you every chance I get, trust me, I’m not completely immune to insecurities when it comes to you. But still, I am trying. Is it wrong if I expect you to do the same? I’m not even asking you for anything major. Just let it go with the flow. You tossing these statements and doubts out of nowhere is frankly something I could do without.”
“I don’t say… such things because I want out. Why does everyone think that? I’m not so fickle”, I say. I hate it when my voice quivers, “I’m just being cautious, which I don’t think is wrong. Nikhil, when it really comes to the ground level, you cannot deny that you will look out for yourself, not the person you love, not anyone else.”
I wipe my tears, taking a deep breath, refusing to cry anymore, “I’m sorry if I come across as insensitive at times, but I only say what I say out of fear. I’m not perfect, not strong, even though I pretend to be. Maybe what I say sometimes may put you off, but have you stood in my shoes? Have you made an effort to understand where I’m coming from?”
For some reason, Nikhil’s next few words pierce my heart, my body physically bearing my emotional trauma.
“I don’t understand? I’ve loved you since years, Sandy. Years. You don’t know how it feels to see the girl I’m mad about cry over another guy, who also happened to be a friend of mine. Fine. You had your battles, I had mine. None of ours is easier. Let’s acknowledge it, and accept it, and move on. Now, we are together, in some twisted sense. At this point, let’s talk about us, not our past.”
” Tell me one thing. Imagine, in a hypothetical situation, where you still liked Dhruv, and you’re in a relationship right now, how would you feel if Dhruv repeatedly said you guys weren’t meant to be and it’s best if you’re not in a relationship? How bad will it stab your heart? Tell me.”
My only answer is silence as I stare back at Nikhil with moist eyes, biting the inside of my cheek hard enough to draw blood.
I take a deep breath, “Okay. I get your point. I’m Sorry.”
“You know what, Sandy?”, Nikhil gives me a smile, sad, resigned, aloof, “I think you’re right.”
I frown, my broken heart shattering into pieces at his words.
“I’ve tried everything I could for us to workout. But I don’t think we ever will. We’ve come to a stage where holding on has gotten more painful than letting go”, Nikhil runs a hand through his hair, staring at my face, “I think we should take a break. Till you can get some clarity. Then, we can do something about us.”
“Nikhil”, I whisper, tears clogging my throat.
I stare into his glassy eyes as he leans forward, presses his lips to my hair, “I really love you Sandy, but your broken pieces are cutting us now. You need to heal before I can pick you up again.”
I curl myself into a foetal position, letting pain course through me.
In the end, I’ve lost life.
Or maybe, life has lost me.