“And ?”, I narrow my eyes.
“And what ?”, he shrugs, “We all danced, partied, and then dispersed after a while.
I critically assess Avyukth, daring him to lie. He looks away though, glaring at something to his left. I frown, a… junior?
“So. Dhruv tried to provoke Nikhil, but Nikhil ceased the conversation down before it escalated? What exactly happened?”
“Sandy”, Avyukth sighs, wrapping an arm around my shoulder, “You know I’ll tell you if I think it’s something you should know, right?”, he glances at me sideways.
“Yeah. But-”
Avyukth pats my shoulder, “Sandy. Just don’t give Dhruv that much weightage. He wants exactly that. And if you’re thinking about him, you’re actually giving him what he wants. Don’t do that, okay? You and Nikhil are reaching somewhere. Don’t overthink and spoil it, okay?”
I frown, “Why are you saying it like that?”
Avyukth sighs, exasperated, “Sandy. Just leave somethings be. Okay?”
“That’s why I’m asking you , and not Nikhil.”
“I did tell you. Dhruv tried to provoke him. It got a bit heated, but things cooled down. What else do you want to know?”
“I-“, I open my mouth, sighing.
Truth is, I want to know what exactly happened in the get together.
“I got to leave now. Have to check on a scan report”, Avyukth pats my shoulder, “Bye.”
“Yeah. Bye”, I mumble.
I sip on my juice, stretching my legs under the table as I gaze outside the window.
It’s only when I get up to leave that I notice a couple of girls simultaneously looking at me, and suddenly turned their gaze away when I looked at them.
The girl Avyukth probably was looking at was in the group.
I shrug it off, uneasy, shaking my head.
I make my way to the wards, to go into the duty doctor room to chill for a while, if Anshu was present.
I’m about to open the door when I hear voices.
“Yeah. That girl Sandeepthi, in the OBG department.”
“Dhruv and Nikhil were arguing about that girl?”
“Yeah. Apparently one of them is her ex, I think Dhruv. And he was saying really mean things about her, double timing and stuff when they were dating back then. It got a bit ugly.”
I hear a gasp from inside, my hold on the door handle tightening.
“Yeah. Nikhil was defending her apparently, Shashank was saying. But you know guys, how touchy they get when they date their friends’ exs’. Honestly, I think the girl is the problem. She doesn’t deserve either. She’s creating such tight spots between friends.”
I’m livid with anger, done with hearing this crap. I’m about to turn away when I hear something that has my breath hitch.
“-Nikhil is always behind her. He likes her, apparently. But that girl is so labile. When Nikhil had asked Dhruv to shut up about Sandeepthi, Dhruv asked what she was to him, and the poor guy had no answer. There was a lot of argument about her character and stuff. But I think that Dhruv guy is right. Nikhil and Sandeepthi should make it official if they’re seeing each other. Her not being serious will obviously give ideas to anyone else. Personally, I think they’re just sleeping together. Nikhil’s just taking what he gets, because he likes her. That girl. Spoiling two guys life without any sense of clarity. She doesn’t deserve a guy like him, with her behaviour.”
My eyes are blurry by the time I’m a good twenty feet away from the gossip.
I look around, standing in the middle of the hospital, feeling helpless, wanting to cry.
I put my head down, walking away, taking deep breaths as I blink my eyes once, getting rid of the tears.
I’m mentally far far away when I receive a call.
“Yes, Priyanka?”
“Ma’am, there’s a labour call. One lady has come for delivery. Can you please come?”
A few frustrated tears flow my eyes. Why can’t I even cry in peace.”I’ll be there.”
I close my eyes, blocking out everything else, opening them with a new resolve, towards my patient.
***
I fold my legs, throwing a pebble into the water, ignoring my ringing mobile.
I sigh, resting my head on my arms against my knees.
I hate feeling insecure.
And that’s exactly how I’m feeling.
Am I actually being unfair to Nikhil?
Why is my character being questioned and discussed upon by strangers?
I don’t care about them.
But Nikhil.
Does Nikhil think that way too.
I continue to ignore his calls, knowing the volcano in me might burn everything we have into ashes.
The fact that the gentle sway of water didn’t calm me down too both annoyed and disturbed me.
I hear my mobile ring again, a different ringtone this time.
“What Anshu. I asked you to let me be for a while, didn’t I?”
“I told Nikhil you went to the beach.”
I groan, “Why?”
“He looked positively panicked.”
“Fine. Whatever.”
If the storm is determined to swallow us today, there’s less I could do about it.
I find myself extremely guarded, on edge when I hear a voice after sometime.
“What on Earth is wrong with you? Don’t you think I’ll be worried if you just disappear like that?”
I turn to Nikhil, hating myself for trying to find something, some hint, some fault, some accusation.
I shrug, “Not really.”
It hurt when Nikhil’s face fell.
But I’m hurting too.
If I really am as inconstant as the world thinks I am, it’s time to say Goodbye.
“Sandy”, Nikhil sighs, cupping my shoulder. I lean into him when he presses a kiss on my lips.
The last one.
I crush my arms around his shoulders, bringing him as close to me as possible to feel him well, one last time.
I smile bitterly into the kiss as we devour each other’s mouth, not caring about public indecency.
My vision is blurry when I see concern, fear, most of all, love in Nikhil’s eyes when we pull away.
“Sandy”, Nikhil cups my face.
I scan every inch of his face, comitting it to memory, “You deserve better, Nikhil”, my voice is soft.
Nikhil repels like I’ve burnt him.”What?”
I nod, trying to smile, “I don’t deserve you.”
“Don’t do this.”
“I…”
“Please, Sandy. I can understand what you’re going through. But… I’ve already hit low. I can’t fight with you over this issue, of all people.”
“I-”
I look around, stopping when the crowd around has increased.
“Let’s go. We can have this conversation elsewhere.”
There’s a poignant smile on my face when he takes me to his place, five minutes from the beach.
Will this be the first and last time I’ll be seeing his place?
“You want something? Water?”
I shake my head, pulling my shrug around my frame protectively.
We’re both quiet as we sit next to each other on his couch.
“It was a dumb idea”, Nikhil turns to me, “Inviting Dhruv over”, he sighs, shaking his head. “But… he really does have something for you Sandy. Of that, I’m sure. I just… Just tell me it’s not mutual. That’s enough for me. Tell me he’s wrong. Tell me you don’t feel for your ex as much as you do for me, even one percent. I’m not asking you to make him disappear, just. Just asking if I’m worth more than him to you, that’s all.”
My throat is lumpy, my voice breaking when I open my mouth, “You do mean a lot to me”, I say in between breaks, trying hard to not cry.
I bite the inside of my cheek when Nikhil pulls me into a hug.
Till when should I keep validating my feelings?
To strangers.
To friends.
To Nikhil.
To Nikhil too, now.