I’m in the library, gathering material for my upcoming presentation, my concentration wavering when I feel movement beside me.
I hide my surprise when I see Nikhil standing next to me.
“Oh, Hey Nikhil”, I whisper.
“Hey”, he gives me a tight lipped smile, “Can we talk?”
My heart jerks in my chest.
“Um. I’m busy right now. I have to study”, I say.
I really have to study. I have my presentation tomorrow.
“Oh”, his shoulders slump, “I can wait”, he offers, “When will you be done?”
I glance at my mobile.
9:18pm.
The time makes me uneasy, “It will take me sometime. Go home.”
He presses his lips, nodding.
I stare at his back, watching him disappear, even though I am tempted to stop him.
I shake my head. Shut it, Sandy.
You are doing the right thing Sandy. Nikhil is not worth it. Focus.
I religiously ignore the irritating tug in my heart, like I always do continuing to study.
By the time I’m done, the library is almost deserted.
My step echo as I walk through the empty corridor, rubbing my arms as chilly wind breezes past.
The watchman smiles at me when I walk past him, adjusting the strap of my laptop bag on my shoulder.
I am taken aback when I find Nikhil at the statue outside the college building, on the way to the hostel.
“Why are you still here?”, I couldn’t hide the surprise in my tone.
Nikhil doesn’t say anything, only presses his lips thin.
I shiver when harsh wind blows across my skin.
“It’s cold out here. You should have waited inside in that case.”
“The watchman didn’t allow me to wait in the corridor”, Nikhil shrugs.
“Didn’t you say you were faculty?”
“I forgot my ID card at home.”
“Oh”, I nod.
“Sandy, “Nikhil pauses.
I panic when he walks towards me.
Shit. There’s no one around.
I take a step back discreetly, trying to be as casual as possible.
“Yeah?”, I ask.
“Let’s… talk a walk?”, Nikhil offers.
It past eleven, Nikhil.
Those are not the words that leave my mouth though.
“Uh Sure”, I shrug.
I calm my speeding heart when our arms brush against each other.
No biggie.
“You’ve been avoiding me Sandy.”
I raise an eyebrow, “You don’t say.”
Nikhil flinches, running a hand through his hair, “This is the most we’ve spoken in days.”
I shrug, “I’ve been busy.”
Nikhil sighs, “I’m Sorry Sandy.”
I stop walking, not expecting him to apologise, “What for?”, I ask pointedly.
“A lot”, he mumbles, not looking at me.
A surge of anger courses through me for some reason. I take a deep breath.
Have a constructive conversation, Sandy.
“Look Nikhil. It’s… Okay” , I try not to glare at him, “Whatever had happened. I… Let’s just let it go.”
“I’m unable to let it go.”
How dare he.
“You asshole. Have the balls to talk to me then”, I hiss.
“You are the one that’s treating me like trash.”
“Didn’t you do anything to deserve such treatment?”, I refer to the time he said he didn’t want to talk.
Nikhil runs a hand through his hair, “I’m… Sorry.”
Unexpected tears well my eyes, as I glare at him through them, “If you have nothing to say apart from that, I need to leave.”
“Sandy, wait”, Nikhil hold my hand, pulling me back with such a force that I’m pressed against his chest.
My mind blanks out with anger, doing the first thing that crosses my mind, as I slap him across his face.
I breath harshly, “You have the audacity to even touch me?”, I hiss, “You bastard, you kissed me, not once, but twice. You decide to be a coward about that, asking me to forget about it, that you don’t want to talk about it. And when I’m telling you to let it go, you hold my hand? And what the fuck does Sorry mean ?”, I shout, though deep in my head, I was already regretting slapping him.
He only held my hand. It’s not a sin.
“Don’t call me a coward just because my timeframe differs from yours. You ran away too, in the corridor, in the ward that day when you came to check on the baby, and every day that followed even when you knew I wanted to talk to you. I had tried a lot of times to talk, and you avoided me each time. Do you see me slapping you? Do you see me throwing words at you?”
I glare at the road under me, not understanding when the conversation turned.
“Speak up Sandy!”, Nikhil says, “I wasn’t ready to talk the last few days. I agree you must have been hurt because of that. That’s the reason I apologized to you. I thought I’ll apologize and explain the situation to you. But here you are, jumping to the climax directly. I did not apologise because I kissed you Sandy. I apologized for my behavior the last few days.”
I stay quiet, not having anything to say. I wipe the tears off my cheeks.
I think I should just join a monastery and become a nun.
“Okay. I’m Sorry”, I apologise, pointing to his cheek.
Nikhil glares at me, “Don’t do this Sandy.”
I press my lips thin, “I was hurt that you avoided me Nikhil”, I say honestly.
I’m shocked when I see tears line his eyes, “Don’t blame me for everything Sandy. Not you, please.”
I frown at his words.”What?”
Temper flares through me when he doesn’t say anything, “Go ahead. You wanted to explain your situation to me. I’m listening”, I cross my arms, refusing to move.
I feel a tug in my heart at the pain that flashes through his eyes.
Shut up, heart.
I take deep breaths, “I really cannot do anything if you don’t tell me anything Nikhil.”
“It’s not easy for me.”
“I gave you so much time Nikhil”, I shout, “So much time. You avoided me for days. How do you think I would feel when you refuse to look at me, refuse to talk to me.”
“It’s not cake walk for me too”, I glare at Nikhil, “Do you know how hard it was for me to gather courage to talk to you about it? When I finally did, what did you say? Forget about it? You said you don’t want to talk about it. It was like a slap in my face . Do you have anything to say in your defence?”
“Don’t make it sound like that Sandy. Don’t make it sound like I used and threw you.”
“How should I take it? We kissed. And you want me to forget it happened. You don’t want to talk about it. You act so indifferent to it. What else should I understand? Please. Tell me!”
“Dhruv had called just after the day we had kissed near the stairs. He was talking about you the entire time. So I’m Sorry if I was torn between my best friend and the girl I l-“, he clears his throat.
“I couldn’t look you in the eye without remembering Dhruv’s words. I couldn’t look at you without wanting to kiss you again. Do you have any idea what kind of a situation I was stuck it? And suddenly, you turned indifferent to me, like I never existed”, Nikhil shouted.
“I let you take your time to pass the initial awkwardness, I gave you time so you can process the situation. I did not give you a life or death scenario. I knew you needed space, and I gave it to you. I needed space the last few days. I wanted to think through and come to a feasible conclusion.”
“And Of course I’m going to take things slow”, I look away when I couldn’t bear the heat of Nikhil’s glare, “For the first time in years, I could feel my heart at my peace. The girl I was mad about was noticing me, daring to see me the way I want her to, kissing me, making me happy. I didn’t want to rush through things. So even when my insides howled in pain, I let you be, I gave you space. What about you? The moment things didn’t happen at your pace, you decide to not even acknowledge my existence. Tell me Sandy, how would you have felt if I did the same?”
“What makes you think you have the right to punish me when I take my time when I gave you the liberty to handle things at your pace? And you accuse me of the worst thing possible. I love you Sandy. Why would I do avoid you if I didn’t have a valid reason? And you have the insolence to claim that you felt used? So selfish, you are so selfish, Sandy. For the first time ever, I’m so Sorry to even have liked a girl like you.”
“Of course you’re Sorry”, I say bitterly, “I’m sorry you had to like a girl like me.”
“But you know what I’m sorry for?”, there’s fire in my eyes as I glare at him, “I’m Sorry that I wanted you to admit to me that you still like me, that we could be something after all these years, that I actually have some kind of expectations from you. What am I even, to you? I’m a friend, your best friend’s ex girl friend. I was stupid to think there was something else. I am stupid to feel something for you.”
“Yes. I’m selfish”, I admit, “But that’s only because I’m protecting my heart. Even though I appear headstrong, I’m not”, I whisper, “I will break so hard that I won’t even be able to pick myself up if I end up falling for you and you decide I’m not worth it. I agree I forced you to talk before you were ready, maybe that’s why you asked me to forget about it, that you don’t want to talk about it”, I say softly, “But I did all that only to know what I mean to you. I wanted to know if you would have said It was a mistake Sandy. It shouldn’t happen again or I like you Sandy, Can we do something about it. I had started feeling something for you, which I have no clarity about.”
Words flow my mouth at a rapid pace as I address the statement I found most hurtful, “You don’t have to bother with me anymore”, I look away, wiping my tears, “Seems like you have come to your senses too , that anyone who likes me should be Sorry for themselves”, I look down, refusing to cry anymore.
Maybe I am the problem.
Maybe I am the bad guy here.
“I didn’t mean it Sandy”, Nikhil cups my face, wiping my tears, “I’m so Sorry”, he pulls me in for a hug.
I resist, trying to move away.
I’m so Sorry to even have liked a girl like you.
Tears run harder as his statement pierces through me, finally letting go of my stubbornness as I wrap my arms around Nikhil’s waist, allowing him to comfort me.