“You can do it Sandy”, I encourage my reflection, “It’s just Nikhil.”
I grimace at myself, slapping my forehead.
I’ve decided to have the talk today. I’m going to sort out this thing between us.
I hum to myself, trying to be distracted.
Surprisingly, I don’t see Nikhil even once, neither in the hospital nor outside.
I don’t let it get to me. Maybe he’s busy.
I am bewildered when Nikhil doesn’t even try to start conversation with me during lunch. And the one time I tried , he just gave me a vague reply.
Although it upset me, I tried not to show it on my face.
Nikhil turned to be much worse than me while trying to avoid someone. I only hoped I wasn’t as obvious as him.
His ignorance was starting to get to me as the same pattern continued the next day.
He was being so obvious about it, that it annoyed me more than it bothered me.
We would look at each other from about ten meters distance, and he would turn around walking in another direction.
I secretly think he’s doing the tit for tat thing. You avoided me first, so I’m doing it now.
It’s only on the fourth day that things felt slightly better. Although he wasn’t buddy-buddy, he at least smiled at me, had lunch with us, made small talk.
I hate small talk.
I cringe, remembering the one time I tried talking.
“Hey, do you have sometime?”, I catch Nikhil just as he was leaving to home.
He clenches his jaw, nodding.
“I… Umm… That”, Words fail my mouth.
Nikhil waits, his face becoming stonier with each passing second.
I clear my throat, “That day, on the stairs-”
“Let’s not talk about that Sandy. Forget about it.”
I open my mouth and shut it multiple times, “What?”
“I said I don’t want to talk about it”, Nikhil leaves, leaving me standing.
Suffice to say, things have been kind of… rocky between us since that day.
He acted like there was nothing out of the ordinary. Like I was making a big deal out of nothing.
Since it hit my ego, I decided not to bring it up too, promising myself to avenge if and when situation arises.
***
“I’m going to murder you if you shoot me Avyukth.”
“But I don’t do it wantedly”, Avyukth whines.
“I don’t care”, I stress, “You always shoot me. This time, even your girlfriend won’t be able to save you from me”, I buckle my jacket
“Seriously Sandy. We’re on the same team dude. Why would I shoot you?”
“Exactly. Moron, why do you always shoot me? Our team always scores less because of you. But this time, we have to win.”
Anshu rolls her eyes at the both of us, “There’s no use telling him Sandy. Avyukth will just shoot anyone, our team, opposite team”, Anshu shrugs, “Doesn’t matter to him”, she laughs.
“Hey! Stop bullying me you guys”, Avyukth grins.
I roll my eyes.
“I didn’t know you took Laser Tag so seriously”, Nikhil says.
“Well”, I give him a tight smile, “It is a life and death situation.”
We assemble together, assessing the opposite team of four. We’re playing against four strangers, two guys and two girls, just like us.
We smile, nodding at each other when we’re asked to enter the arena.
I blink my eyes to adjust to the lighting, squealing as I run away when I hear a gun shot.
I hide behind one of the glowing pillars, trying to keep as quiet as possible as I look around for potential targets. I grin, firing at the person in the blue laser.
I run, bumping into Anshu, hiding together behind a pillar when we were followed.
“Sh”, I motion, looking around, squealing when two people suddenly appear out of nowhere and fire at us. We try to protect our belts, but in vain.
We curse out luck for the next five seconds, splitting apart. I grin when I see the base devoid of security, firing to my heart’s content.
I run hiding behind another pillar when I hear footsteps behind me, cursing when I bumped into someone.
“Sh. Keep it low Sandy”, Nikhil hisses, as we hide behind the pillar.
I press myself into the pillar as we hear three footsteps.
Why the hell is everyone here?
I am suddenly aware of the way Nikhil’s hand is cupped against my mouth, one of his hands wound around my waist, our breaths fanning each other’s face. I freeze when his lower lips brushes my philtrum, our chests too tightly pressed against the other to be in a friendly manner, even if we are playing Laser Tag.
My mind goes numb when he leans forward, missing my lips as our cheeks graze against each other.
“Come on. The coast is clear”, Nikhil says, looking around.
What’s clear?
I blink, clearing my throat, my interest in the game lost just as Nikhil hides behind another pillar.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
“Well. That was fun”, Anshu declares as we walk around the mall.
I stay quiet, not really in the mood.
I resist the urge to run away when Nikhil walks beside me, “All okay, Sandy?”, he asks.
I glare at him, walking away without a reply.
I hear a What the fuck! , but pay no heed to it.
“Stay with me Anshu”, I mumble into Anshu’s ear, “Please.”
My best friend assesses my distressed look, grabbing hold of my hand.
***
“I said I’m fine”, I stress , “Stop asking me the same question in different ways.”
“What? No. You know what I don’t feel like talking right now. I’ll call you later.”
“What Ma. I’m telling you everything is fine.”
I sigh when my mother hands over the phone to my father.
“Hey dad”, I wish.
“How are you?”
“I’m good”, I nod.
“You sound tired beta”, my father tries diplomacy, “Is work stressing you out?”
“Yeah, a bit”, I lie.
If work meant, a five foot ten inch something.
My father hums, “Don’t stress too much Sandy. You will be fine.”
And just like that, knowingly or unknowingly , my father said the exact right words I wanted to hear.
As I lay in bed, twirling the edge of my top around, I make the decision to clear my things.
Being in middle ground didn’t go well with me. I like having utmost clarity about things.
And what Nikhil and I were … doing, whatever it is was anything but.
I haven’t spoken much to him the last few days. It’s his turn to avoid me now.
It’s like an unspoken agreement between us, we take turns avoiding the other person after every awkward situation.
But not anymore.
I’m done with the cat and mouse play.
I initially wanted to respect his decision to let it go, but I feel so out of it. I need some answers.
I’m sure friends don’t press against each other just like that.
Even though I’ve avoided talking too, it’s been some time since we… kissed. So I’m hoping the high has come down.
I’m going to create a scenario where he’ll be forced to face me, and then I would strip him of all defences and question his honorable (or not so honorable) intentions.
I run into Nikhil at least fifteen times the next day, deliberately.
I knew I was getting to him when he would give me a more agitated look than the previous time every time I ran into him.
I didn’t do anything.
I just mumbled an “Um, Hey”, and leave, neither letting him speak anything, nor me extending conversation.
I almost felt bad after a few more times when he looked around helplessly, rubbing his forehead.
Sorry, not Sorry.
I had to get some reaction out of him, for my own peace of mind.
The next day was no less. But this time, it became harder. Finding Nikhil became harder as he took extreme measures to avoid me. As the day passed by I was losing my patience. He neither showed up for lunch nor our usual hangout place after hospital hours.
I could find myself upset, angry that he was not willing to come clean.
I am ready to own up to my actions. It takes two to tango, definitely. But I want to know what is happening. Am I misreading /reading too much into the situation?
I was ready to handle the situation calmly even if he admitted to have romantic feelings for me.
But him running away from situation rubbed me off in the wrong places.
Let’s not talk about that Sandy. Forget about it.
I don’t want to talk about it.
I replay his words in my head, scowling.
Right, go around kissing people and tell them you don’t want to talk about it.
Granted, my first instinct was to avoid him too. But as the haze cleared, I could read the situation better.
Frankly, I am dreading the time we would have the talk, but I also know it’s necessary.
Doing the right thing is more important than fearing the outcome.
And if Nikhil didn’t have it in him to face me, I couldn’t even think anything. I’m not a fool to think he sees me as just as a friend. But he would only fall in my eyes if he continues being this way. There’s no chance I may even sway if we don’t talk.
Even though everything about him confuses the heck out of me, I know one thing for sure.
I am attracted to him.
Subconsciously.
There is no way I would kiss him twice, otherwise.
I’m single. Unattached. It’s not a big deal for me to be with someone.
I can even try and see where we can be headed if this thing… progresses. Friendship and attractiom are sufficient in the beginning.
But I cannot see myself with him if he decides to shut himself, refusing to talk at the first awkward situation. I’m not going to put myself in such situations.
Don’t judge him too harshly Sandy. What if he has his own reasons?
I roll my eyes.
How hard is to say I kind of like you Sandy. I couldn’t resist the other day, and ended up kissing you.
Okay, probably hard.
But you get the point.
But he’s not exactly gaining points here, playing hide and seek.
I discard my stupid idea, sitting on the chair nearby as I stretch my legs, not interested in looking around for him anymore.
He wanted to steer clear of me? Just you wait, I’m going to keep you at an arm’s length now.
I declared Nikhil unworthy of my attention, willing myself to forget about this whole drama, and move on.
I’m an expert at suppressing the issues I didn’t want to talk/think about.
I wince, pressing my calves, my feet aching.
Inspite of my resolution, my mood deteriorates as night falls.
No Sandy. You most definitely do not need boy problems.
Not Nikhil out of everyone. The kiss, the light touching is all hormones. You won’t be able to look him in the eyes when the initial excitement drains. It would already be too late by then.
He is your ex’s ex best friend. For heaven’s sake. It’s very wrong.
I sigh, annoyed, turning to the other side of the bed.
The fact that I felt so affected is what annoyed me the most.
Am I attached to him? Do I actually have feelin-
Get laid, Sandy. It’s been sometime. Stop getting idiotic thoughts.
Right.
I try to get some relief on my own, my eyelids drooping after a wave of bliss washes over me.