When the sun shines, we’ll shine together
Told you I’ll be here forever
Said I’ll always be your friend
Took an oath, I’ma stick it out ’til the end
Now that it’s raining more than ever
Know that we’ll still have each other.
I sing the lyrics to myself, scrubbing my feet when I hear a knock on the bathroom door.
“I know you are so grateful you have a friend like me that you could weep at my feet. There’s no need to dedicate a song for me”, I hear Anshu’s annoying voice through the door, “But can you hurry up!?”
I roll my eyes, “Dream on.”
I hum the lyrics to myself, scrubbing my skin as I wiggle my toes when my mobile rings.
I glare at the device.
Let me take a peaceful bath, man.
I frown when I see the caller id.
Priyanka, my junior.
It was my day off today, one of my colleague taking over. We worked once every three weekends.
I shut the shower, picking the call with the soapy hands, “I’m not on call today, Priyanka. Call Avika.”
“Ma’am, Professor Chander is here, and the HOD. They’re asking for you.”
All colour drains my face.”What?”
“Come quickly”, she mumbles, cutting the call.
I quickly wipe my body, dressing up, the only thing going in my head being,
OhmygodImsoscrewed OhmygodImsoscrewed. OhmygodImsoscrewed.
My breaths are hurried, palms sweaty by the time I reach my floor, dread pooling my stomach when I see the HOD, Professor Chander, Dr. Shalini(our assistant professor), Avika, Priyanka and another junior Pallavi.
There was nothing out of the ordinary. The one’s on duty were all present, except me.
I wondered why the other two juniors, and my other colleague Sapna wasn’t there.
“Good morning Sir, Ma’am”, I wish the HOD, Dr. Chander, and Dr. Shalini.
“What is going on in the ward Dr. Guptha?”, Dr. Chander asks.
I resist the urge to flinch, when he drops a patient’s file into my hand.
I pale when I read the file, staring wide eyed at Priyanka, my junior.
“Do you have an explanation?”, the HOD shouts.
I stare at the words in front of me.
Thirty six hour old neonate, irritable, not feeding well, drowsy. Passed urine three times, no passage of stools in the last twenty four hours.
Examination-Blood glucose-39mg/dl.
The on call resident did not attend to the mother even when informed.
Baby critical. Shifted to NICU at 9:50am, 19/02/21.
Dr. Harish.
And a sign below it.
I open my mouth, and shut it multiple times.
“Well?”, my unit chief, Dr. Chander gives me a hard look.
“I’m not on duty today, Sir”, I say meekly.
“I don’t care who is on duty today, how you guys split. But if you’re going to compromise the safety of the patients, I will be forced to take action.”
I look down, ashamed.
“And you, Dr. Sharma”, Dr. Chander points to Avika, “Can I know why you did not attend to the mother? We had kept the baby in our ward when it is usually not done because the mother insisted. What is the reason for this negligence? Speak up Dr. Sharma”, he shouts.
“I…”, Avika pauses, unable to speak out words, “I’m Sorry Sir.”
“That’s not the answer to my question”, he turns to Pallavi, “Where was your senior when the mother had called?”
Pallavi looks at Avika fearfully, “Ma’am had gone for breakfast Sir.”
The HOD and Dr. Chander glare at us, “And what were you doing Dr. Mathur?”, he addresses Pallavi.
“I had called the Paediatrician as soon as I came to know Sir”, Pallavi says nervously.
“And you, Dr. Guptha”, the HOD’s voice booms, making me flinch, “You are usually so responsible. What has happened to you this time? I see you in the ward, running around, working, all the time, without a day off. Then why did you suddenly decide to take an off when there was an important case?”
“Sir”, I pause, swallowing, “Um”, no words escape my mouth.
But all I wanted to scream was, I’m not on duty. Why am I being dragged into this?!
“I’m Sorry Sir”, I apologise.
“I do not care how incompetent your colleagues are, Miss. Guptha. But I know you are proficient , and to see such mishappenings in the ward is a shame.”
I was beginning to get annoyed with each and every word.
Did he expect me to work round the clock, twenty four seven?
I swallow my irritation, jerking my head to Avika when she opens her mouth, God bless her.
“I’m Sorry Sir. It’s my fault. I’m the on call doctor today. Sand-Um. Sandeepthi is on leave today.”
“You are clearly not efficient if that’s the case Ms. Sharma.”
“And I do not want these inside politics and confusion anymore. Give me the names of the doctors on call on the first day of every week. This is your last and final warning”, HOD glares at us, ” Severe action will be taken if any such negligent act occurs in the future”, he dismisses us, walking out.
I clear my throat, “Did you counsel the mother?”, I ask Pallavi.
“Not yet Ma’am”, She says nervously.
“What do you mean not yet?”, I snap at her, “You know-“, I pause midway when Dr. Chander walks towards us.
“Dr. Guptha”, he addresses me, “Counsel the mother and come to see me in my office.”
“Yes Sir”, I nod.
“Um. Sandy”, Avika stops me from going to the mother, “I’ll counsel the lady. You go meet Sir.”
“Sure?”, I ask.
Avika nods, walking towards the mother. I turn to Priyanka, “Text me the happenings in the ward. Call me if Anika is not around, and anything urgent comes up”, I give her a smile.
“Sir?”, I knock on Dr. Chander’s door.
“Yes. Come in Dr. Guptha. Have a seat”, he continues when I walk inside.
I take a seat, nervous. I’ve to this cabin just twice in my post graduation. And both times, he roasted me.
Dr. Chander only peers at me as I nervously sit there, resisting the urge to snap my fingers.
“The baby is in the ICU. In worst case scenario, do you know what happens if the baby dies?”
“The hospital committee will take over the case and investigate the cause of death”, I mumble.
“Correct. And what happens after that?”
“The death maybe declared as Act of negligence, and it might become a legal issue or the parents can be compensated, but the attending doctor will be fired, the chief will be given the first warning to be demoted.”
“Hmm”, Dr. Chander scratches his beard, “So you do understand the gravity of the situation”, he pauses, “Why were you on a day off?”
I gave him a bewildered stare, “Sir, second year and third year PGs work on alternative weekends.”
“How many weekends did you work the last few months, Dr. Guptha?”
I flush. Dammit. That was because I wanted to be busy.
“Or let me put it this way, how many weekends did you take off?”
“Two”, I mumble, crying inwardly, knowing very well where this is going.
“This maybe tiring, but I want you to work on weekends as well, Dr. Guptha”, he pauses, “Your work ethics are efficient”, he says.
Yeah, yeah. Good job buttering me.
I swallow, “Okay Sir.”
“Shut the door on your way out”, he dismisses me, “Oh, and ask Dr, Sharma to see me now. Manage the ward while she’s here, and you can take off when I’m done talking to her.”
“Yes Sir”, I nod, hoping my irritation didn’t show in my face.
I go straight to NICU , instead of my room after giving Avika a call, to check on the baby.
Please let the baby be okay.
Please let the baby be okay.
I was surprised to see Nikhil and another doctor there, probably his junior when I enter the NICU.
“Okay Sir. I will ask the parents to pay for the tests”, the other guy says and walks out.
I’m acutely aware that I’m wearing a sleeveless top, and I’ve hung my apron on the hanger, since it’s not allowed to wear them.
I rub my arms, “How’s the baby?”, I point to the baby with my head.
Nikhil presses his lips thin, “We’re giving continuous fluids. Just hope he doesn’t slip into a coma.”
I nod, upset.
“We’re trying Sandy. Don’t worry”, Nikhil squeezes my shoulder.
“Yeah. I know”, I say softly.
I look at the baby sadly, numerous wires attached to her, all because of our negligence.
“Are you on duty today?”
“No. I came for rounds since Kunal will be late, “he refers to his colleague, another SR, “He asked me to fill in till the afternoon.”
“Oh”, I say.
“I’ll let you know the updates about the baby”, he says.
“Thanks”, I give him a grateful smile, walking out.
I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling. Although I’ve seen my fair share of deaths, I never could really turn indifferent to it. Someone else is dying, not my family, not my friend, not someone I know. But it still made me uneasy, whenever I see my patient breathing last.
And I secretly hope there never comes a day when I become indifferent to someone’s death, who so ever it maybe.
That’s the day I would not be a human anymore.
Guilt consumes me as I spend restless hours in my room, Nikhil’s updates about the baby not promising.
When I felt the pinnacle of suffocation, I lock my room behind me, heading towards the beach.
I find myself relaxing as humid air hits my face, the waves gently teasing my feet.
I look around, folding my legs, placing my elbows on my legs as I look around, startled to see a familiar face a few meters away, lost in thought.
I walk towards him, “Nikhil?”
“Oh, Hey”, he gives me a smile, “Sit.”
I take a seat next to him as we sit in silence.
I look at him from my peripheral vision to see him staring ahead.
I turn to Nikhil, touching his shoulder, “Are you okay?”
He sighs, turning towards me, my breath hitching when he I find him at a too-close-to-be-respectable distance.
“The baby is in coma, Sandy.”
My heart falls at his words.
“What?”
“Yeah. Kunal just texted me.”
It is a well known misconception that doctors are stone hearted, that they do not feel if their patient is critical.
That’s not true. My heart broke every time one of my patients died. But we continue to smile through the pain, the joy of curing a hundred overriding the pain of losing one.
“Damn”, I say.
“Yeah. Sucks man”, he runs a hand through his hair, his shoulder brushing mine.
Nikhil wraps an arm around my shoulder, rubbing my arm when I sigh, fatigue getting to me.
“Wait”, Nikhil frowns, looking at me, his arm still around me, “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be in the hospital?”
I sigh again, “It’s not my duty day today. But I was called”, I explain the situation to him.
“Ohh”, he nods, “Like that.”
“Yeah. Like that”, I repeat.
“So you won’t be coming with us to Aamby Valley with us next week?”, he teases, referring to our two day weekend outing the five of us had planned a few days ago.
I groan, “Don’t even remind me”, I bump his shoulder.
“You’re working, saving lives. It’s okay”, he tries to cheer me up.
“I know”, I laugh, “It’s just that I feel so conflicted. I love my work, but at the same time, I want to enjoy too, you get it?”
“Yeah. I do”, Nikhil stares at me softly.
It’s only after a few seconds I realise that we’re not exactly in the ‘friends’ zone of distance.
We were barely inches away, our chests almost touching, his hand that was around my shoulder making way to my waist. My breath is shaky when Nikhil circles his arm around my waist, pulling me to him.
“Nikhil”, my voice is a mere whisper.
He merely gazes at me, intent, running his eyes all over my face. I was so confused that I just stayed there, unmoving, even when he tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
I am in a trance when he leans in, placing a kiss on my forehead, just staring at him.
Nikhil glances at me, inching towards my lips, not caring that we were in a public place.
Granted there was no one around. But still.
I find my gaze shifting between his eyes and lips, my own quivering.
What the hell is happening?
My eyes shut involuntarily when I feel a soft brush at the corner of my mouth.