There’s a hop in my steps, in spite of the hollow in my heart.
Dhruv.
Dhruv.
Dhruv.
“Oh shut up”, I snap at free air, irritated.
Maybe I should just hook up with a random guy.
Yes. That’s it.
Maybe I should try the Friends with Benefits kind of thing.
Don’t be absurd, Sandy. When did Friends with benefits workout, for anyone?
It doesn’t even workout in movies.
I glare at the file I’m reading, not absorbing a word.
Concentrate, Sandy.
Why the fuck did I even need a closure? I feel so miserable.
I just want to forget that I’m a doctor responsible for lives, and hide myself in my room and not come out.
Real life didn’t exactly work like the movies.
Time didn’t stop, for anyone.
I curse my fate when I hear the voice I’ve religiously been avoiding the last few days.
“Hey, Sandy”, Nikhil grins, “Long time.”
You’re getting married. To Nikhil.
It’s you and Nikhil, Sandy.
I had to lose my best friend because of you.
“Yeah”, I force a smile.
“All okay?”
I couldn’t keep it within when I blurted out, “I spoke to Dhruv.”
“Uh Okay?”
“About that day.”
Nikhil gives me a guarded look, “And? How did it go?”
“I-”
He pockets his hands, looking around, “Let’s talk somewhere else.”
We go to a partly secluded area of the campus, where I narrate the story to him, skipping the last five minutes, or hours.
The hug. The kiss.
Forehead kiss, but whatever.
Nikhil nods, his face serious, “Do you feel better? Now that you’ve told him?”
“Yeah”, I nod distractedly, staring at the tree next to me.
I don’t notice Nikhil taking a step towards me, surprised to find him very close to me when he opens his mouth, “Then? What next?”
Why the fuck is everyone asking me the same question?
Anshu, Avyukth and now Nikhil.
With Nikhil, I decide to tweak my reply, on Anshu and Avyukth’s insistence. They swore Nikhil likes me. And he would give some reaction when I narrate the situation to him.
I only managed to get a blank stare until now.
I’m going to slowly strangle those two idiots to death.
“What next?”, I ask, injecting innocence into my tone.
“Are you getting back with Dhruv?”, Nikhil asks, staring into the distance.
I gulp the lump in my throat. Even though I’ve heard this question so many times the last few days, it managed to rattle me, every single time.
No. Sandy. You’re not getting back with Dhruv. Priorities.
Respect. Mutual respect is important in a relationship. Heartbreak can be mended.
“What do you think I should do?”, I ask, curious.
I know my friends are completely biased. So they straight away reject the idea.
But Nikhil wasn’t exactly a very good friend of mine. He was almost a third party. It would feel nice if someone who is unbiased could give me an opinion.
Nikhil shrugs, looking at me, “Do what your heart says, Sandy.”
I would have fucked Dhruv at least four times by now if I listened to what my heart said, I think of saying, but don’t.
Clearly, my heart is an idiot.
Which is why I don’t listen to that piece of crap.
“My heart’s not saying anything”, I lie.
“Really?”, Nikhil eyes me suspiciously.
I look away. Why is lying so hard, man?
I didn’t really have the patience for a heart to heart with Nikhil too.
Anshu and Avyukth sucked my soul as it is.
“I’m asking what you think.”
“Do what you feel like”, Nikhil shrugs.
“Wow. Some friend you are”, I mumble.
Nikhil glares at me, “I know what you’re doing here Sandy. I’m not an idiot.”
“What?”, I ask innocently, panicking inside.
That’s it. I’m murdering my best friend and her boyfriend.
Nikhil shakes his head, “Dhruv is a good guy, Sandy. If you think it’s a good idea to give him another chance, it probably is. If you think it’s not a good idea, you’re still right. Even though everyone around can give you suggestions, it depends entirely on you what you want to to do, in the end.”
I nod.
I hate it when people make too much sense.
It either makes me look like an idiot or it made me think too much.
Both of which I dislike.
“Yeah. You’re right”, I give Nikhil a small smile.
We start to walk back, putting the conversation to an end.
“Nikhil”, I say, “I really think you should forgive Dhruv too, and be friends with him.”
“It’s not your place to decide that, Sandy.”
I flinch at his words. Ouch.
“I… I know”, I stutter, “But you stopped talking to him because of me. And if I can… forgive him. I think you should, too”, I say softly.
Nikhil nods, “I’ll think about it.”
“Don’t you miss him?”
Shut up Sandy.
“I do. A lot”, Nikhil stares ahead, continuing to walk.
Suddenly, for the very first time in two years, I feel responsible for splitting best friends. I feel guilty.
I am surprised when I feel a hand squeeze mine.” I’ll… have a talk with him, Sandy.”
I’m irritated when a lump fills my throat.
What is wrong with me? I feel so emotional these days.
I only nod, unease gripping me for some reason.
“Nikhil?”, I call him when we almost part ways.
“Yeah?”
“Do you”, I pause, taking in a deep breath, “Do you hold me responsible for breaking your friendship with Dhruv?”
In a split second, I find myself inches away from Nikhil, “No Sandy. I don’t hold you responsible for it. It was my decision. So don’t sweat on it, Okay?”, Nikhil says, his tone firm, yet gentle.
I find myself nodding involuntarily, “Okay”, I whisper.
He raises his hand towards my face, but clenches his fist, bringing it back to his side.
Was Nikhil about to… cup my face?
I walk away, confused.
****
I am positive I’m going through a mini version of heartbreak when things didn’t get better after two weekends.
It wasn’t as bad as then.
But you get the point.
I still smiled, I still laughed, I talked, I was doing all my work, although not heartfully, I was fine.
But it was only in the dark of the night that a few stubborn tears would dampen my pillow.
I loathed the miserable part of me that waited for Dhruv to come in touch. I hated the way my heartbeat sped up for every call, every notification in my mobile. I hated the crushing disappointment I felt after.
I knew I am not in a mental state for a relationship with Dhruv, and him contacting me is just a recipe for disaster.
Even though the perfectly rational part of me could differentiate right from wrong , I couldn’t help but feel miserable.
I knew I wouldn’t act on it, even if Dhruv proposed we do.
So, because there was nothing I could do about it, I did one think that I could do.
I cried my heart out.
And prayed.
To relieve the burden in my heart.
I came to the heavy realisation that Dhruv may not be looking for a patch up when days turned to weeks.
He probably moved on, now that we had a complete closure.
Even though my heart wrenched painfully, it only left a bitter smile on my lips.
I threw myself into my work and studies, not sparing a minute time to think. I became the busiest I had ever been. I started taking extra shifts, longer hours, more patients to handle. I knew my friends were worried about me.
But I knew going through the worst was necessary, if I had any hope for the future.
I moved forward with the hope that things will get better.
I am resilient.
I am strong.
I will not give up.
I would tell myself, when I hit rock bottom, when I spent sleepless nights, when I would refuse to eat, refuse to talk.
I’m not going to stop living life for a boy.
I embraced the pain, sometimes defeating it, something succumbing to it, but facing it head on.
I wasn’t ever the type to shy away from any feeling, pain wasn’t a part of it too.
If I had to go through the worst to get to the best, I was ready for it.
Slowly, in a few weeks, months? , I had no idea. The sun started to seem brighter, the breeze cooler, the world calmer, the one inside and outside me.
I could genuinely smile. I could take part in conversations. The glow in my face returned. I opened the gates I had partially shut to my friends.
Except Anshu.
Anshu became a part of me. She would silently sit next to me for hours, watching me stare at the sky, the window, the fan, hugging me, crying with me sometimes, crying for me sometimes.
Not once was she impatient with me.
Even though I wanted to be alone, deep down I knew I didn’t really want to be alone. And I appreciated her immensely for being there with me.
I was so thankful to God that even though I was going through such a tough time, he gave me someone I could lean on.
Sometimes Avyukth. Sometimes even Nikhil.
Avyukth always managed to lift my spirits at my lowest mood. A simple hug from him felt so much better. I was so grateful how he could make me crack a smile in between tears with his lamest jokes. But he was always outside the boundary, like he didn’t know which button would fire the fuse. Though it saddened me, I appreciated it all the same.
It was a surprising/ suspicious coincidence that Nikhil was always there when Anshu or Avyukth were unavailable. His tactic of being a friend was slightly different. He wouldn’t say a word. We would just sit together, staring at nothing in particular. At one point, the silence would suffocate me so much, that I would pour my heart out to him.
The tactic works though.
I found myself wonder why I don’t find silence with Nikhil comfortable. It’s not the case with Anshu or Avyukth.
I found myself befriending Nikhil, and within no time, he had become a great friend of mine. Sometimes, when he didn’t know how to console me, he would pull me into a hug, patting my back, whispering Shh Shh into my hair, wiping my tears as I stare into his shining eyes, that makes me wonder if he likes me.
As time flew, I could find myself gradually healing.
As days passed by, I grew positive, hopeful.
My heart didn’t twist as much every time Dhruv was mentioned in front of me.
I was slowly, but surely learning to let go.
Granted, I might always have some kind of baggage of my ex, but I could surely feel it lightening.
Up until that day, when all went wrong.