Keerthi snuggled into her husband’s side, his arm around her shoulder, as they spoke about random things.
Vikram held his wife’s hand in his, drawing random patterns on the back of it as they spoke.
“What do you think of a honeymoon?”, Vikram tossed at her.
“What?”, Keerthi’s tone was guarded. She didn’t know if her husband was genuine or just testing her.
When Vikram turned to look at her, Keerthi shrugged,”I don’t know.”
“Don’t you want to go?”, Vikram wanted to.
Badly.
“Do you want to?”
Vikram shrugged,”Why not?”
“You have a busy schedule”, Keerthi pointed out.
“It’s a Yes or No question Keerthi.”
Keerthi stared at her husband,”You haven’t answered in Yes or No either.”
Vikram grinned at his wife, enjoying the banter. He missed it.”Yes.”
Though his wife annoyed him at times, he loved her all the same.
Something shifted in him. He felt overly affectionate towards her.
Keerthi flushed, having not expected that.
“I am fine with anything”, she said shyly.
Vikram yanked his wife onto his lap,”That’s not the right answer”, he whispered.
Keerthi’s cheeks flamed. The idea of honeymoon made her breath hitch. She hid her face in her husband’s neck as she mumbled a shy ‘Yes’, her legs dangling next to his.
Vikram sighed in relief. “Good. Where do you want to go?”
“I don’t have a particular place in mind.”
“How about Italy?”
“Cool”, Keerthi shrugged,”When do you want to go?”
“How about next week?”
“So early?”
Vikram laughed,”We are already late”, he teased his wife.
Keerthi flushed in his arms,”Vikram!”
Vikram pecked his wife’s cheek.”Okay. Take a two week leave.”
“Two weeks?”, Keerthi asked incredulously. That was a lot of time.
“Is it less?”
“Stop teasing me”, she whined.
“How can I ? When you look so”, Vikram stopped, laughing.
“So what?”
“Cute”, he smiled at his wife, as he leaned it to kiss her.
Keerthi flinched involuntarily when her husband raised his hand, probably to hold her face, she was shocked at her response. She only hoped Vikram didn’t notice it.
Vikram looked at his wife funnily, was something wrong.
“What is it?”
Keerthi gulped uneasily, she didn’t act consciously. It was just a reflex.
“Uh. Nothing.” It really was nothing. She just.. remembered something.
Vikram thinned his lips, he didn’t want to force his wife to say or do anything she didn’t want to. They just got together.
Keerthi felt bad when she saw her husband’s face fall, as he walked towards the bed.
She held his hand, she wanted him to kiss her, she hated her reflexes.
“I.. I’m Sorry. I didn’t mean to-“, she couldn’t explain what just happened.
She had to dig in a lot of memories if she had to share her secret.
Bad memories.
“It’s alright”, Vikram smiled faintly. He thought they were alright, after his apology.
But he could see them becoming a typical couple, the wife being scared to open her mouth in front of her husband, only having sex whenever he wanted, Vikram being the villain in the story.
Vikram didn’t want that to happen to them. But his wife wasn’t really to blame. Just like their previous argument shifted something in him, it must be the same for his wife too.
But asking her to be open about it might make things worse, he knew his wife kept her tongue in check when they were together.
Pressurising her to tell him her problem would only make her uncomfortable, drive her away from him.
He wished he could erase the fight that happened a few days ago, wondering if it did irreversible damage to their relation.
“No. Vikram. You misunderstand. It’s it’s not like that. I just.. uh..”, Keerthi didn’t find the right words to explain her situation.
She didn’t know how her husband would take it if she said she flinched involuntarily thinking he was going to slap her.
She felt miserable. She didn’t want to think like that. Her husband wasn’t a man to raise his hand on her.
“It’s alright”, Vikram didn’t want to prod too much, though he could see the distance between them increasing.
Were they ever truly together though?
They had to adapt a lot. Vikram had to control his temper if he wanted to have any future with his wife the way he wanted. Keerthi had to let go of her fear, come out of her shell completely to be her own self with her husband.
Though they loved each other, there were so many bridges to cross before they united as one.
They had to strive hard to find common ground.
“I am so Sorry. I thought you were going to-“, Keerthi stopped before she could blurt anything out. She didn’t want to hurt her husband.
Keerthi didn’t know when the equation with her husband had changed, she didn’t really care for him in the initial days of their marriage.
But now, she only wanted to silently shield him from getting hurt, even if it was at her expense. She didn’t know if it was a good thing.
“Going to?”, Vikram frowned, his eyes widening in horror when he completed the sentence in his head. “You thought I was going to hit you?”
Keerthi closed her eyes, lowering her head in defeat as her eyes watered.
Vikram felt his head pound in anger, he didn’t think he was so aggressive that his wife thought he would physically abuse her. The thought left him disgusted. He felt rage course through his body, his wife pictured him as a monster.
His heart hurt though. why was it so hard to attain his wife’s love.
Vikram wanted to change course of action this time. If his anger drove his wife away from him, he was ready to correct it.
The last thing he wanted was his wife to be constantly afraid of him, thinking multiple times before she spoke.
He was ready to come to a compromise.
Vikram was itching to ask his wife to stop crying. But he wanted to try to think from her shoes this one time. He didn’t want to make her more upset than she already was.
“Hey, Come here”, Vikram held his wife’s hand, wiping her tears away, as he stood at a distance.
“I don’t want to think that way. I promise”, Keerthi said softly, looking at her husband.
The way his wife said it seemed odd. He recalled her saying she was scared of him raising his hand in her in the initial days of their wedding. But now, as he thought back, he wondered if there was more to it.
“It’s alright. You can take all the time”, Vikram assured, trying to be calm. He wanted to understand what was going on in his wife’s head, this one time, instead of getting mad at her.
Was there a problem? They were going to solve it together.
“No”, Keerthi said helplessly, she didn’t want any time or space, she stood on her tiptoes, pressing her lips to her husband’s for a moment, as if trying to make a point.
“My father used to hit my mother all the time”, she said quietly, looking at the floor when she pulled away.
Vikram was stunned into silence.
What?
“My mother wouldn’t say anything against him”, Keerthi shrugged, biting her lip , “But my father somehow used to find faults, hitting her atleast five out of seven times in a week. It… It just inculcated a fear in me”, Keerthi quickly glanced at her husband, her heart falling when she saw his jaw set taut, “I am not comparing or anything”, she said quickly,”I know you won’t raise a hand on me”, she held her husband’s hand in both of hers’, intertwining their fingers , “It was just involuntary, you know. I didn’t mean to act like that.”
Keerthi held her breath as she looked at her husband, his body language screamed anger.
She wondered if confiding in him was a mistake.
Vikram took deep breaths as he analysed his wife’s words. He wanted to keep his hurt aside for a moment, it was important for him to assure his wife, though he was enraged that she thought that way.
It wasn’t his battle to fight.
It was only in his wife’s hands to trust him completely, he couldn’t force her to believe he wouldn’t behave in a specific manner.
Only time could make her realise that.
But since her fear stemmed from a root where he could be collateral damage, he found it necessary to reassure her.
He couldn’t eliminate her fear in a snap of a moment, but he could contribute how much ever he could, because it affected him indirectly. His wife being constantly afraid to make conversation didn’t sit well with him. He had to do his part to understand her, make her feel better.
The end result only depended on her. It wasn’t in his hands to make her fear free, he could only comfort her.
Killing the fear was his wife’s job.
Getting mad at her wouldn’t do her any good right now, though he was barely controlling his temper. This was something he had to do for his wife, for himself.
He would only push her away if he scolded her for thinking in that manner, not allowing her to speak her mind freely, without a filter.
That was his final goal, be so comfortable with each other that they could speak anything and everything with the other without fear of judgement.
His wife’s behaviour made sense as he thought back to all their arguments, her constant crying, her lack of standing up for herself in arguments at times.
He understood it wasn’t because she didn’t have anything to say, it was because she was scared he would hurt her. Though the thought irritated Vikram, it was important to acknowledge it and rectify it if they wanted to progress in their relationship.
He felt Sorry for her, no one deserved a traumatised childhood.
He felt troubled when a thought entered his head,”Did.. did your father hurt you as well?”, he asked hesitantly.
The thought made him angry.
Keerthi shook her head violently,”No. Never. He is a good father”, she felt like she betrayed her mother as she spoke those words. But her father was really a good father, he was a horrible husband though.
“Okay”, Vikram nodded. His wife’s distraught face was making him uneasy. He wanted a smile.
Keerthi was surprised when her husband wiped her tears, pulling her into a hug as he rubbed soothing circles on her back,”Don’t cry”, he murmured.
She gaped at his reaction, she couldn’t predict her husband, at all.
Vikram pulled away when his wife stopped crying,”I am Sorry about your parents”, he started. Vikram wondered if he really was so rude in their fight that his wife flinched when he was about to kiss her. Did her really lose his temper so much?”, But I understand where you are coming from”, he frowned,”I don’t, actually. But I get it”, he said, he was itching to confess to his wife.
Would she believe it then? That he would never hurt her.
He controlled though,”I am glad you shared your thoughts with me. While it makes me angry that you think that way, I understand too. But you need to know one thing. I’ve said time and again, but I’m saying it once more, I’m never going to raise a hand on you. I may seem like a total prick sometimes. But frankly, it kills me to see you cry, especially when I am the reason for that.” And I love you, he swallowed the last few words.
It was becoming difficult for him to keep it to himself.