When I came out Ace was standing near the window, looking outside with a blank face. I licked my lips nervously and sat Indian style on the corner of bed, twisting my fingers.
“Bryan?” I whispered my eyes on my lap.
He turned and sat in front of me, instantly figuring what was eating my brain alive. “You don’t have to tell.”
“I want to.” I said truthfully, it was all clogged up inside me and suffocating me. I needed release. I needed this. I needed him to know I trusted him.
I got up and took out a photo frame from my bag, I never went anywhere without it. It was my life jacket. I stared at the picture.
It was of me and Kian on our twelfth birthday. We were hugging and chocolate cake was smeared on our faces. The picture was taken just when Kian was putting cake on my cheek and I was laughing hard, trying to avoid it.
I smiled looking at the photo, tears already brimming in my eyes. I handed the photo to Ace who took it cautiously.
“Kian, my twin brother.” I answered the unspoken question.
I saw Ace gasp lightly and stare at our similarity, the only difference between us was the smile, he had a left dimple and I didn’t.
“What happened?” He kept the photo on his lap with care, like it was a baby.
I swallowed. Hard. “We were having eighth grade vacations and Kian was insisting Connor to teach him to drive. Finally after two weeks he agreed and we took our dad’s car. Kian was on the driving seat, Connor on the passenger seat and me and a friend at the back. I was right behind Kian. Kian drove properly for a few minutes, no problems at all. Connor had just got addicted to smoking, he was a senior then. Smoking was the new ‘thing’. He bent to remove the packet from his shoe, where he hid the packets from our parents.” I paused, the scene enacting clear in my mind.
“I took his hand to stop him from smoking. I was shouting at him to quit smoking and he was laughing at me. ‘Smoking makes guys look cool, Joey.’ were his exact words. ‘No, it makes them look dumb that they don’t know it leads to cancer.’ I had said. We were still fighting when suddenly Kian turned to face us, saying some joke about guys and sticks. No one saw the high speeding truck that was coming straight at us from the side. Connor was the first to see it, but it was too late. The truck crashed straight into the driver’s side, killing him on the spot. I should have seen it but I was too busy fooling with Connor.” I wiped away my tears.
“I don’t remember anything after that expect looking at my twin in a pool of blood, his head had cracked to the side. Just the sight had made me unconscious. When I woke up in the hospital, my right hand was fractured and head had a few stitches. Connor got his leg and back sprained badly. As for my friend, she just got a few bruises on her hands. It took me one year to actually be able to sit in a car without screaming and running for hell and Connor never touched cigarettes again. Ever. Speeding cars and any bad addictions were banned from my house. I guess that was one good thing that happened due to that accident.” I scoffed sullenly.
I licked my lips, tasting a tear drop on them. “I miss him, I miss Kian so much.” I whispered before finally breaking down into a waterfall of pain, regret, anger, guilt, heartbreak and loss.
Once again I found myself in Bryan’s lap. I wiped away the tears in embarrassment, I was an emotional wreck but he didn’t need to know that. I hiccupped, “He was the best brother ever. He told me everything and always supported me.” I murmured. “I never thought I did lose him so early, he wasn’t even an adult. He had so much to see and so much to do. He wanted to become an astronaut, he said there was life somewhere else to and he would be the first one to find it.” I blinked away the tears. “I guess he did, though not the first one. But he did find a new place.”
Ace held me tightly, his fingers creating patterns on my arm. “Hush, it’s okay muffin.” He breathed. “You can’t control death. It is bound to happen somehow, anyhow.”
“He hated yogurt.” I muttered. “And I always sneakily added yogurt in his dishes. His favorite subject was Math, I hated it until he left. Now I love it!” I let out a small cry of pain. “I wish I could control it. I’d join heaven and hell to get him back!”
Ace kissed my hair. “He’s in a better place now Joanna. He wouldn’t want to see you crying so much.” And then stroked my hair in a reassuring manner.
“He loved peanut butter and I hated it and he called me peanut because of that.” I let out a small raspy laugh. “But after he went I found myself getting addicted to it, it somehow makes me feel closer to him.”
“I am sure he’s eating it right now as he watches us.” Bryan said.
Involuntarily my eyes darted to the open window, it was sunset time. “He loved Paul Walker, he must have met him and clicked selfies with him by now.”
Bryan shifted, bringing me closer. “What else did he love?”
“Oh cars!” I scoffed and then sobered up. “It’s weird how the thing that he loved was exactly the thing that took his life.”
“He must be missing you.”
“He better be, because I miss him, way too much.” I snuffled hard. “We fought so much, if I had the slightest clue he would leave so soon I would have told him how much I loved him and that his crazy obsession over peanut butter wasn’t annoying but cute. I acted like I hated it when he called me peanut, but I actually loved it. He had a special name for me.”
It’s only when we lose something do we realize its importance.
Bryan rubbed my back soothingly. “Was it Janice with you in the car?”
I shook my head, “No, Alicia.”
He froze. “Alicia Chandler?”
I nodded mutely.
“You were friends? What happened now?”
“She liked Kian a lot, in fact they were kind of dating but after the accident she blamed me and Connor for it. Connor for trying to smoke and me for distracting Kian.” I remembered how she had slapped me the first time she saw me after the accident. We were in the hospital and she just came out of nowhere, slapping my cheek and running off. I had just stood there, unresponsive, knowing it was my fault. Her tear stained face was the last of her I saw until after two weeks when I went back to school to find a completely different Alicia.
“What did she mean by it should have been you instead of him?” His question surprised me. He still remembered her harsh words? But then harsh words are difficult forget. They stick right on the heart, never leaving.
“The truck just missed me, a few more seconds and I would have replaced Kian.” I paused, gulping. “You know I would trade myself to be in his place in a heartbeat.”
Bryan lifted my face to face his. His gaze determined. “It wasn’t your fault. You can’t stop fate or death, they are meant to happen.” His thumb wiped a tear off my cheek. “Never ever say you want to take his place. He’ll be furious and so hurt, and me too.”
I just stared into his eyes, my feelings for him growing deeper with every second. I was falling for this bad boy, Bryan Cooper, and I was falling hard and fast with nothing to catch me.
Bryan pulled me closer, kissing my forehead. “Shit happens, its life. Smile while you still have teeth.”
I finally blinked away and chuckled, thankful for his comfort. “Thanks.”
“Anytime Joanna, anytime.” His breath fanned my cheeks. “Sleep, I am here.”
I smiled into his neck. It’s funny how few words from the right person can turn your whole day around and make you feel better in a second.
I closed my eyes as he leaned back on the bed. His arms still around me in a protective manner.
For the first time in ages I slept like a baby, soothed by the lullaby of his heart beat.
Maybe I wasn’t falling, I had already fell and couldn’t stand up now.
Life is stupid and makes turns without asking permission but in the end we always make it out of the maze. It is up to us, we can cry and crib about the dreadful journey or be brave and face it by saying ‘Fuck you, I am not afraid of you.’ on its face. I was done with crying; now I was going to live two lives – mine and my brother’s. I was going to make him proud of me. So when my time was up and I went to heaven, he would be at the gate, to hug me and say, ‘that’s my baby sister, younger to me by 2 minutes and although she is damn irritating, I still love her a lot.’
I had learnt a lesson of life, everything isn’t rainbows and flowers always, there is lighting and autumn too and that’s exactly what makes the world so beautiful.