Kate
It has been almost a month since Alex became a little civil with me.
He has his dark moments when I don’t even want to be near him but then he apologized for his behaviour and his melancholy eyes and guilt always let me to give him a chance.
As far as other things are concern in our married life, Alex every night came to my room and we have a mind blowing sex but after sex he become so distant and unapproachable like he cant stand to be in my presence. He coldness towards me after sex made me feel cheap and disgusted by myself that how can I let him touch me.
He never said anything, just left the bed immediately and went to his room without a glance. Those moments kill me and in my silly mind I’m still trying to win Alex’s heart for me and my baby but I know people like my father and Alex never change their mind.
But I was tired and fed up with his hot and cold behaviour and one night when he was in my room , after intense lovemaking I fell to Alex’s chest , his eyes were closed but he was not sleeping and he was breathing loudly. He never hold me nor he meet eye contact with me and I hate it that’s why I hold him tightly and cling to him cause I know he will leave me any moment and I want to savour this moment for my stupid heart.
He doesn’t push me back and I found him to be relaxing when I put my head on his chest. I smiled quietly, maybe I can break the ice around his heart, maybe he will start liking my closeness after all. But that vanished in a second because at that moment the baby kicked, Alex became so rigid and tense that I can feel at any moment he will explode, he gently removed me and picked his clothes but I didn’t want him to go and wanted to clear this tension.
I said ‘ Alex can you stay for a moment, I mean after that you can go to your room ‘
He sighs loudly and replied ‘ Kate, its late’
I pleaded ‘ But…
He closed his eyes like he is tired ‘ Kate please … don’t make this awkward … I told you before that don’t expect something else just because we are sleeping together … I have been honest and clear to you … didn’t I?’
I was taken by his abrupt reaction and looked away so that he could see the pain he inflicted on me. ‘ Of course Alex, you have been brutally clear with me. I’m not saying sleep here cause I know when the deed is done you want to run away from here’
He raised his brow and glared at me ‘Really what deed you are talking about me. About sex because Kate I told you repeated we don’t have conventional marriage , we are not normal couple. I was honest to you that I got some boundaries and space that I need for my sanity. Look (he soften his tone) I really don’t want to hurt you with false assumptions or something which I can never give it to you but If you got a problem with this , the sex, then fine I will not come here any more’
I gasped him in shocked ‘Alex I never said this, you are just over analysing it. I got it and have accepted those boundaries even if they are unusual but I’m trying to be OK with it but don’t you have any idea how it feels after sharing the intense passion you don’t even wait for a minute and without a glance you left me in the bed. ”
He looked a little guilty but he composed himself ‘Kate believe me that wasn’t my intention. I’m sorry if that hurts you but I think it’s best we both put a break on this. I want you no doubt on that but I think once you had a baby and I had my thoughts channelized then we can talk about sharing beds or whatever we used to do.’
And that’s how he left me without giving me a chance to know my point of view on his erratic decision.
True to his words, he never visited my room again and started acting indifferent towards me like he used to do when Emily was alive.
And my stupid heart was angry with me and telling me that I should never bring this topic well at lest at night for some hours he was mine. And those moments I also have some of the vulnerability and spark of fondness in his eyes for me.
I was craving him now and he was the epitome of my safe haven. When I’m with him my demons never come at night to torment me. That’s the reason my nightmares are more scary that shook my inner core.
Which mostly results in sleepless nights and dark circles covering my eyes that were already getting more profound thanks to my morning sickness and dreadful nights.
These days we have been talking in a normal manner. But he closed himself off when I tried to talk personally with him. He just locked himself in the office.
I was so done with his behaviour I even tried to converse with him when he used to sit in his home office and I entered his study to know his problem.
But he just give me a blank look and said ‘I’m busy Kate, can we talk later’
I give him an exasperated look ‘How long are you going to keep yourself locked here Alex. If it’s because of me you are doing this then no need to I got your message loud and clear but ignoring me will take us nowhere. You said to me that you want this marriage to work then why are you doing this. I will not bring the topic of sharing bed again’
He sighs tiredly’ Kate I’m really busy OK. And you tell me what I should do. I’m doing everything in my power not to hurt you or make you uncomfortable and me coming to your room and then going afterwards make you feel exactly like that so I’m giving you a space’
Without my better judgement not knowing what exactly I will say or do, I got closer to him and sat on his desk edges and softly replied ‘Alex I don’t need space especially from you. I don’t want to act like a clingy and desperate partner but I understand OK but can we got back to normal’
I touched his face and felt him rubbing his cheeks and he was looking at me intensely in up and down motion.
I was wearing a modest nightgown but when I sat on the desk edge my legs were revealed at that moment.
Feeling the sexual tension he reluctantly touched my legs and fondled my breast and I softly moaned. He then stood and hover over me. I hold his neck and bring my lips to kiss him but he move his head like he came back from his trance and removed my hands from his neck and turned back
‘ Kate it’s late so you must go to sleep. I really need to get back to my work’
I was stunned and embarrassed over his rejection. Stupid me I should have never made the first move.
I straighten myself and glare at him. My tears were falling but I whipped them in anger. Now it’s up to him I won’t try again.
Now I was in the kitchen cooking breakfast and the household staff who are cleaning the rooms since Alex’s parents are going to live for a few days with us and then they will move to Australia for some business Alex’s dad needs to see.
Emma clung to my legs and even after a lot of persuasion and some promises to give her treats she was not in the mood to sit on her rocking chair. I don’t know how she even manages to get out of that chair every time she twists her little body and runs back to me as she wants to play with her new doll house.
I was feeding her and making Alex standard breakfast as he will be here in any minutes.
‘Hey sweetie, how long will you be attached to my legs? Your grandparents are coming and your aunt Kate got a lot of work.’
I try to remove her but she shakes her head in annoyance’ no Emma. wants aunty Kate. You and Emma friends’
My eyes soften for her innocent love for me. I graced her head lovingly at least someone loves me in this house.
I give her puree packs knowing that she will have it easily without any whining.
We both goofing around and giggling at silly stuff when Alex entered and he stopped midway.
I don’t say anything to him and start putting his breakfast on the table
He looked down ‘Whys Emma. attached to your legs?’ he asked in confusion
I shrug and coolly replied ‘because she can. Don’t you Emma. tell your daddy we are best friends and you will go where I go right’ I winked to Emma. and she said with a serious face ‘yes daddy me and aunt Katie best friend ‘
Alex cracked a smile ‘and what about your daddy. I thought i was your best friend’
She pouted ‘no you don’t play with Emma. no more’
We both felt quiet and Emma’s innocent complaint raised higher concerns as indeed because of me Alex is coming so late that Emma is asleep by that time. I turned my back to him and let him deal with his own mess.
After breakfast, Emma got busy with her cartoons and I was in my room looking at what to wear this evening as Alex’s parents are going to live with us for the first time after marriage so I need to make sure they don’t be disappointed in me.
Emily had told me that Alex’s parents are non-fussy but they are very particular about their routine.
I was busy looking at the dresses then I heard Alex’s voice.
I turned back and gave him a puzzle look cause normally he is way back to his office ‘You are still here? Did you left something’
He pass me a look ‘Why do have a problem with that I’m still here’
I sigh. He is in mood ‘Alex, I don’t have any problem normally at this time you are in your office … anyway so you need something’
He slowly walk towards with me still with a composed expression ‘No i don’t need anything but yes I’m looking for a moment to talk with you but you are always looking for an opportunity to ignore me’
He was annoyed that I was ignoring him. I pass him an angry stare. ‘I’m ignoring you? OK even If I am , don’t you think that’s what you wanted from me? For the last week you have been acting cold and bored with me. I tried to talk to you and you know what happen’
I’m still embarrassed by that night.
He pinched his nose like he is controlling himself ‘Kate, i was really busy for the past few days. And now I have realized how it impacted my family life. I’m trying to rectify that I need your help OK for Emma’s sake’
I close my eyes and compose myself too. Maybe he was really busy but his rejection was still fresh. But I shake it off. He needs my help. I should not bring my so-called ego into this.
I soften my tone ‘I was also concerned about that. At the end of the day we both are here for Emma So tell me what should I do’
He smiled at me ‘Thanks for understanding me. I was thinking that I can spend some family time with Emma. If I took her to (He stop for a minute like it’s hurting him to say that) to Emily’s grave. I haven’t visited her for sometime.’
My eyes tear up when he takes Emily’s name. His pain and anguish reflected back at me that I know how I even control my emotional turmoil.
I have also visited Emily grave. And her name only made me realize how much I miss her.
I said with a wobbly tone ‘It’s a wonderful idea. But your parents are coming tonight.’
‘Don’t worry we will be back before that time. I will come early.’ he explained
I slowly nodded. I might have to start working now. ‘OK then it’s fine. We will be ready’
Alex looked a little taken by my reply. He reluctantly said ‘Kate…. by we I meant me and Emma only, I want to spend this with her only’
I took a step back in surprised. He was dissociating me from their private moment.
I can’t stop myself from saying and I whisper in hurt ‘but Alex she is my sister.’
He looks like he wants to be anywhere and else. But his next words shattered my heart and proved that I was not a part of the family
‘Kate didn’t take this wrong but I want Emma to have family time with me and her mother. You can visit Emily anytime else. But kindly I need this private moment with Emma and Emily only’
I kept on looking at him. I got a blast from my past when I recalled how my parents used to take Emily to Disneyland during summer vacation and left me at home for a month. As a 7 year old it was my biggest wish to visit that place but mom told dad it’s their family time and I won’t be involved.
I was lost in my memory lane that Alex touch brought me back ‘Kate.. you
But i cut him ‘OK sure I can understand. Emma will be ready by that time’
Alex got the guilt look again but he doesn’t say anything else and nodded ‘OK thank you’
When he left. I touch my stomach and sit down on my bed. Will I ever be accepted anywhere?
Alex
I looked at Emily grave and felt the pins of pain whenever I remember she is gone forever. I loved her so much but my love couldn’t save her fate.
Emma was sitting on the grass and touch it with with tiny hands ‘daddy.…. mama’ she give me her goofy smile
It was a gut wrenching moment when I saw my daughter’s clueless innocence. She lost her mother at such a tender age.
‘yeah sweetheart. She is your mama. You know you got her hair and she was the most beautiful women on earth’ I graced her head lovingly
Emma made an O face like she gets whatever I said. She then said something that shocked me ‘Auntie Katie beautiful…. Emma. wants aunty Kate…want aunty Kate
She then started crying., I picked her up and started rocking her, Kate’s name only brought the strange feelings in my chest.
There was not a doubt today that I hurt her feelings once again. My inner self put me in more guilt than how I easily pointed out that she is not part of the family.
But it was true I needed this moment with Emma and Emily only. But the hurt I saw in her beautiful eyes was enough to put me on my knees and beg her forgiveness.
It was getting late. And my parents will be there in my house so we bid goodbyes and drove back to home.
I let Emma out and she started running towards the house. Kate opened the door with her million dollars smile and she looked breathtaking. She was in an all black and red summer dress. I stopped and started ogling here like a teenager.
She was so freaking beautiful that one can only imagine to get this beauty.
I’m a lucky bastard but that illusion died when she looked into my eyes.
Her real smile was gone and she reserved herself and passed me a fake smile ‘oh wow you are back home. ‘
But what shocked me the most when she kissed my cheeks.
I knew at this moment I needed to kiss her. I can no longer ignore her. She was really making an effort
I move towards her but she pass me a cold look but she maintain her happy go voice ‘Your parents are here… waiting for you and Emma. ‘
OK. That’s what it was for. But now I was more miserable than ever before.
Even I saw her trying her very best to cross the bridge that I have established between us.
Even I almost fell for it when she entered my study and looked so ravishing. But I control it at the last minute.
Kate’s shock and embarrassment was visible from her expression. I wanted to tell her it’s not what she is thinking but she just ran away from there.
And after that day she was so cold towards me. She started to ignore me and started giving me a taste of my medicine and I hated it.
I greeted my parents but it was my father’s gaze that was indicating he will have a talk with me.
In the dining room my mom was blown away by Kate’s cooking and she was not praising her just because she was my wife but because indeed Kate did put on a spectacular table.
“take sweetheart dinner is mind-blowing. You are better cook than me” my mom comment
Kate smile shyly “no way I can reach your level. I had your Mexican food once it was better than a 5 star restaurant”
Mom was in cloud nine after that
My father man of few words also praises Kate’s cooking
“Kate, how’s the baby. I hope all’s well” my dad started the topic that put me in an alert mood. I knew he was checking me.
Kate was nervous and started fumbling “Yeah. Everything is fine.”
“When is your next appointment” he continues
She looks at my way ” hmm this Friday”
Dad smiles at her “good I hope Alex is taking well care of you”
I closed my eyes in angry. He was really testing my patience
Kate nodes slowly “yeah he is taking care of needs very well. I have never been happier” She touched my arms like she is the luckiest woman on heart
Wow Kate put me in more guilt. I looked at her and passed her a look of apology.
My father had keen eyes but he didn’t comment any further.
Mom was excited to show Kate the things she bought for her unborn baby.
Me and my dad after dinner went to study and I know what he will say next
“How’s your marriage going Son”
I casually sit “Fine. Normal”
“I hope so. Kate is a good woman and after seeing her with you and Emma I can say she is a good mother and wife too. She manage to make this house a home again”
I don’t know for some I felt attacked and I snapped “how can you say that you hardly know her. I wouldn’t be married if we don’t have a setback”
Dad fires back too “don’t forget that setback is your unborn child.”
I lost it “I got one child that’s Emma ”
He shake his hand in disappointment
“Alex I won’t tolerate this. I told you before that you must take the responsibility here. Kate might pretend in front of me that she is happy with you but I have seen the world and I know how you are neglecting her and pregnancy. You need to make this marriage work”
I sarcastically smile “of course otherwise we will lose Evan inheritance right”
Dad raised his voice ” Enough you fool. I want to see you happy. I got enough money for myself and for my children. Can’t you see Kate is the right choice for you. And secondly she is carrying your child. ”
I can’t take it any more “I know that OK …. Kate and I have an understanding and for your information we both are willing to make this marriage work. So you should relax”
” Really then why did you leave her here?. Why didn’t you take her with you to see Emily graves”
I was quite cause I don’t know how he will respond to my reply
I stand up “I got no right answer for you dad… I know you are tired so I wont take your more time”
After I got out. I finally took a deep breath and moved to my bedroom but I stopped. If I go there and my parents see that I’m not sharing a room with Kate then it will get messier.
Fuck
Now I will do exactly what Kate told me a week ago.
If she allows me to even enter that room. I knocked her door then I heard her saying come in
But I was dead stop in my way. Because Kate was looking like a seductive angel. She was wearing a blue satin nightgown and was sitting on bed and putting some body cream on her arms.
She was also shocked to see me.
We both were quiet and staring at each other. She was looking at me why the hell I’m here after all the shit I have put her through and I was looking at her as the biggest temptation that I need to devour.
I enter the room and close the door. Her eyes got big and I clear her confusion “if you don’t mind can I stay the night here ”
She gaped at me “you want to stay the night with me?”
I sighs “mom dad are here so I don’t want to give them more doubts about our marriage so I thought to sleep here ”
She looked more disturb than before and slowly responded “of course…. you want to sleep here because of that… You can take the bed I can sleep on sofa”
She got up but I stopped her and frowned “Kate I know you got your reason to be angry with me…. but surely we can sleep on the same bed…. it’s not like we haven’t been intimate before…”
She looks down ” I was doing what I thought was expected from me”
She walk towards her side and lied down and I felt like a biggest shit on earth
I changed and got on the other side of the bed.
It felt strange to be sharing bed with her. We both have had sex quiet a few times, but we never sleep together after.
She had her back turned towards me and was so quiet that I can’t even hear her breathing.
I can’t stand that ” You were amazing today. My parents were very happy ”
She didn’t respond back. And again started ignoring me.
I want to remove this awkward silence between us
I got closer to her and touched her shoulder ‘Kate. I know you are awake.’
She removed her hand turned to face ‘Alex I’m tired please let me sleep’
I make a sound of annoyance ‘I hate it when you do this… ignoring me when I’m trying to make an effort here.’
Her eyes were closed but she responded ‘well that’s makes two of us don’t you think’
I sigh. I deserve this. What I was expecting she would run back to me after I ignored her and even rejected her advances.
I decided to make a move. I slowly and steadily got closer to her neck and kissed her there where I know she went crazy.
She shivers and I can feel her melting by my touch. I whispered in her ears ‘what if i say that I was wrong to do that. That ignoring you was making me miserable everyday. I crave you so bad Kate. I told you I got my demons that I’m trying hard not to let out. But i want you and I want intimacy between us’
I fondled her and hover above her and kissed her deeply. She moaned deeply and put her hand on my hair. We were in the moment but then something shifted and she pushed me.
What the hell.
She maintain a safe distance between us ‘I’m want to sleep Alex ‘
‘what the hell was that. You are not sleepy, you are just making excuses. I won’t touch you ever again if that’s what you want’
She also lost it ‘I’m not making excuses I’m trying to protect myself from your hot and cold behaviour. Seriously Alex even I got a limit. You are sharing a bed with me because you don’t want your parents to get an idea about our perfect marriage but what will happen when they are gone. You will go back to Alex who can’t bear to see my face. I’m trying not to get hurt by you’
Her eyes were filled with tears and something moved inside me.
I sighed and slowly said ‘I’m sorry my intention was never to make you feel like that but you are right, my behaviour is hurtful and downright cruel. But Kate, I’m also confused and so tired of everything happening around me. I got a perfect life with lots of love and happiness that surrounded me when Emily was alive but I lost everything when I lost her. My perfect little world is imperfect and miserable right now. I never lost control but after her I lost everything I made those decisions, did those things that I would never do. Now all I got is regret and I’m ashamed that you are getting the burn out of this’
I was trying to prove my point but when i heard Kate’s sniffs I realized she was crying. And I become still when I realized what the hell i just said in all my trance
I move to touch her but she moves back and shakes her head ‘No need to tell I’m a regret. I have heard this plenty of time (she wiped her tears that were falling continuously) . I’m sorry for making your life miserable but I don’t have any option you know. Emily’s death also left a deep impact in my life. I loved her too you know and believe me I’m not taking her place and I never will and I won’t even expect that you love me but I expect respect from you or don’t you think i don’t even deserve that’ She bite her lips like she is controlling herself but My heart skips a beat cause she look so fragile and so innocent
I can’t see her like that ‘Kate listen to me…. god don’t push me OK listen I don’t mean it like that. I do respect what I do. I was sharing my issues with you but Please believe me I never considered you a regret’
She pushed me once again ‘Alex please. I’m tired so can we both sleep without fighting’
And that’s how our weird and painful conversation comes to end.
Later I was fast sleep but then I heard the bed was shaking so bad , for a moment i thought maybe an earthquake hits us but it was Kate’s scream that woke me up
I flipped on the light and found Kate’s fearful voice ‘Em….. Emily… God… Emily’
Fuck she is having a nightmare about her accident
I grabbed her and wiped her face that was covered with tears and sweat ‘hey… take…. open your eyes…. open your eyes right now’ and when she did she looks more frightful
And she grabbed my shoulder ‘Alex…. Alex… Emily… so much blood… she is not opening her eyes’ she hugged me tightly
I closed my eyes in pain. We never understand what Kate was going through. I sometimes forget it was a traumatic experience for Kate too. She saw everything first handed.
I console her ‘shh it’s OK, it’s OK. You were just having a bad dream. You are safe.’ I kissed her forehead
Kate breathing slowed down and she blinked and realized it was just a dream. But it was her tears that broke my heart. For how long she was seeing this dream cause it looks like this is not the first time she woke up like that.
I gently wiped her tears and whispered ‘hey are you alright? Do you need something ”
She was still trembling but managed to say no.
She looked up with her doe eyes and said ‘I’m sorry for waking you up like that. (She give me her sad smile) Another reason why we should not sleep together ‘
I admonished her ‘don’t joke about this. And what are you sorry about you. I’m sorry I never knew what turmoil you were going through. Does this happen every night’
Her quietness speaks louder than anything that it was frequent. That’s why she looks so tired all the time.
I sigh in sadness ‘Kate…. oh Katie…. Why don’t you tell me this before… all the time i was thinking its pregnancy fatigue but knowing you got a problem in sleeping. It’s not good for you’
She shrugs it doesn’t matter. My demons are my old companions, they don’t leave me and instead of fighting them I kinda accepted them. It’s easier if you know what I’m dealing with. But again I’m sorry I disturb your sleep’
I roll my eyes in expiration ‘Kate seriously if you say sorry one more time I will lose it OK. Your well-being is important. You are important’
I stop in the mid-way to say anything further. Kate looked confused too but then she said with such hope that shattered me ‘Am I really important?’
I was speechless for a moment but her innocence and broken expression coerced me to say the truth ‘of course Kate… don’t ever doubt that. You are way too important. You matter a lot’
Her eyes shine with gratitude and I felt like an arsehole, for never making her feel like that.
She slowly moved closer to me and kissed my lip hesitantly as she was not sure how I would respond.
It was my wife’s sweetest kiss. I held her tight and kissed her more passionately.
We were so lost in our kiss that I can’t help myself to devour her completely but I stopped because Kate was not mentally ready for this.
But Kate frowned and I shook my head ‘Kate I want to but you are not in that state. I will feel I’m taking advantage of you’
She looks more determined ‘I want you and I want you now’
She gets above me and who can stop me after that.
In no seconds our clothes were removed and Kate straddles me in a way that Ican stop myself and groan loudly ‘kateee’
I kissed her neck that made her moan. I laid her down and took the control and after that we both were lost in our passion.