Sage
My hands slide to his chest. My palms tingle and an overwhelming need to get closer to him rushes over me. However, I am not sure if it is because of my emotions and needs or if it is because of Andrei.
I can feel his excitement through the bond and against the inside of my leg. It startles me, even though I know what to expect, I pull away to break the kiss. I try to roll off his lap, but he holds me there, and my heart rate picks up as fear seeps into me.
“It’s just my reaction to you being this close, Sage. We have talked about this so many times. It doesn’t mean anything more will happen,” Andrei whispers to reassure me.
He is right, we have been through this so many times. I can’t believe I still find myself in a situation where I get this scared about something so familiar.
“Please don’t back out, Sage,” Sierra whimpers in my head.
“Sage?” Andrei whispers my name, pulling my attention back to him.
As I stare into his eyes, I relax and breathe. Intense guilt smashes into me, but it’s not mine, it is coming from Andrei. I hate feeling his guilt every time I freak out. He didn’t do this to me, he didn’t ruin me.
I shake my head and press my lips to his, forcing the fear away and focusing on his feelings instead and ignoring my own.
Andrei groans and clutches me to him before pulling away. I don’t understand what might have gone wrong at first, but relax again when his lips travel down my jaw and neck.
Desire floods me from him, the feeling is so foreign, it takes me a few seconds to figure out why there is a pulsating sensation between my legs. That’s not all, as I feel an intense need for something I can’t put into words. It’s so strong and sudden, it scares me.
He kisses my neck and his tongue runs over the same spot. A breathy moan slips from me as the strange desire swirls through me. I jump when his canines press against my skin.
Andrei tries to pull away, but I run my fingers through his hair to show him he can continue. I know that if he doesn’t do it now, I will chicken out, and it will never happen.
“Sage, do you want this? You are really tense,” Andrei whispers against my skin, kissing my neck. His body is trembling, I’m not sure if it’s from holding back or excitement.
“Just do it. Please, Andrei, before I back out,” I murmur and squeeze my eyes shut as I wait for the pain that is about to come.
My heart hammers in my chest so hard, I know he can hear it. “I can smell your fear, Sage,” Andrei whispers as he moves and turns around.
He presses me against the bed and moves between my legs, pressing his weight down on me.
“Nothing more, Sage. Just like training, you tell me to stop, and I will stop. I won’t mark you while you are petrified of me. I won’t mark you just because your wolf and I want to, and you feel obligated to. If you don’t want me to, tell me to stop, and I will,” he promises as he looks down at me. His eyes search mine, but I’m not quite sure what it is that he seeks in them.
My breathing becomes heavier, and tears blur my vision as panic sets in along with anger. Why do I have to be so fucked up? I’m a fucking disappointment and utterly useless to the person I was meant to be for.
“Shh, Sage, breathe. What do you want?” Andrei asks.
I know he is trying his best to make me feel comfortable and assure me I am in no danger, but his display of kindness once again pisses me off. As much as I want to hold back the anger, I can’t.
Andrei doesn’t deserve my hatred, but I still snap at him as my anger at myself bubbles over. “To be fucking normal! I want to be normal and not used goods. I don’t want to be scared to want you, and I don’t want to fear you. But I will never be normal, and you deserve better than some broken toy everyone has used up.” My words spit out in an angry rush.
I swallow as my anger recedes, and I let out a breath. The intense shame hits me nearly instantly, yet Andrei doesn’t say anything at my sudden outburst, just presses his head against my collarbone. My chest rises and falls rapidly as I try to catch my breath.
Why is shame one of the most horrid things to live with? You know in your head that what happened was wrong, and mentally, you know it wasn’t your fault, but why do I feel ashamed of it?
Why do I feel dirty and disgusted, and why does it haunt me after it has stopped? Even now that I’m free of them… I am free, yet that nagging voice still reminds me that it’s not for long. I know they’re dead, I killed one and watched Andrei kill the other. They can’t touch me, yet they still control my body, my fear, they still control me.
“You fear pain because that’s all you know, Sage. You fear not being good enough because that’s how you see yourself. Don’t think for one second I see you that way.”
Andrei sighs.
“If anything, it’s the opposite. I have killed so many people, but the Moon Goddess gave me you. She trusted me with you. I am the one not deserving of you. You know I am not a good man. My entire pack knows that, so don’t ever say I deserve better than you because I should never have even been blessed with you, not after everything I have done. Don’t tell me you aren’t good enough because you are so much more than I deserve.” Andrei whispers.
My brows pinch. I can feel it through our bond that he truly believes he doesn’t deserve me.
I chuckle. Here I am thinking I am not good enough, and I repulse him, while he feels the same. Two people, impossibly messed up, and the Moon Goddess decides to put us both together.
Weren’t our souls tortured enough? And yet, now, she makes sure we torture each other more.