And so, one night’s mistakes unraveled the rest.
“H-how could you?” I croaked, sobbing as I tried to concentrate on him, not even bothering to check on Sam.
“He deserved to know.”
He deserved to know.
He had said the same thing a few months ago, at the first bonfire.
He had said it again now.
It was as if the past had come back to haunt me, torture me for my sins.
And I deserved everything I got.
“Leave,” I manage to choke out, and go to shove at his chest with every force left in me, but I was so weak when it came to him, that I couldn’t even demonstrate the anger I felt towards him in that moment.
“Leave!”
He grabs my wrists, and pushes my hands down, careful not to hurt me, but enough to stop my frantic movements.
“Not until you choose.”
“What the fuck are you talking about? How can you be so selfish!”
“Dove, choose. It’s me or him, because I can’t stick around and play your games anymore, I won’t.”
“Fuck off!” Sam interrupts, picking himself up again. “She’s not going anywhere with you!”
“Well, she’s not going anywhere with you either. Not after the shit you just pulled.”
And he was right.
I wasn’t going to be able to go anywhere with either of them, because in that moment I realised the one thing I couldn’t bring myself to do.
To choose.
“I love her! What the fuck do you even know about love?” Sam is frantic, sensing my conflicting state.
Theo lets out a scoff, “more than you’ll ever know.”
And he truly did.
I could see it in those brilliant green eyes – he had loved, and suffered from this love, and during our months together, he had tried to love again.
He didn’t have to say it.
One look, and I understood everything.
He was falling in love, and so was I.
And I didn’t even pause to notice it.
“I can’t,” I say in a low voice, and look down at my feet.
“What do you mean you can’t?” Sam more screams than asks, throwing his hands in the air.
“Don’t you get it? She has fallen in love with me, and she can’t bring herself to admit it.”
And he was absolutely right.
“D-dove?” Sam stammers, his eyes blinking back tears, but one lets him down and falls down his cheek.
“I’m so sorry, Sam,” I sob, and cover my mouth to suppress the painful sounds falling from my lips.
I screw my eyes shut, and one hand rests on top of the other as I continue to cover half my face.
I could feel the break from within, everything I kept inside for the past few months, all the guilt, all the secrets, all the lies and concealments, erupting out all at once.
And it was unbearable.
Time did stop, but not when I needed it to.
Not when it mattered.
And when I finally opened my eyes again, which seemed like hours later, both of them were gone.
And I was made to face my biggest fear.
The rain started to pour and pour, and it just wouldn’t stop.
It was as if the heavens were crying for me, and I was crying for myself, selfishly.
As I always did.
There couldn’t have been any tears left for either of them, though.
Because I had already cried those, and didn’t even know.
But for the first time in my life, I didn’t run.
Because there existed no place I could call home anymore.
***
Four months later
” I can’t just transfer in the middle of the semester, Lil,” I giggle, and watch as she pulls the most ridiculous face on our video call.
“It’s the middle of the last semester, Dove. Come on! You’ll love Montana. The campus here is beautiful,” she whined, and proceeded to pull more questionable expressions.
I go silent, and fiddle with the drawstring on my sweatpants.
“Dove, I don’t see a reason for you to stay. Seattle has worn off on you, I can tell. Come here! I’m in this massive dorm room all by myself, and I miss you.”
Seattle had worn off on me.
And I needed the change of scenery desperately.
After everything, I needed to get out of here, and Lilian was providing quite the pitch.
It had been four months since that night – four months, I had to keep going, all on my own.
And summer was fast approaching.
Sam had moved back into his old dorm room. After everything I had put him through, put our relationship through, he had left the apartment to me, and moved out within the first few days.
It was more than I deserved, but Sam’s heart was pure, unlike mine.
I hadn’t heard from Theo since that night, either.
People spoke of him for a while, and rumour was he had transferred to a college back in England to finish his studies.
He was kicked off the team, after that night. Neighbours reported the fight, and he was benched throughout the whole of the spring season.
I had heard this from Mia, because that first week, I had withdrawn from the cheer team, unable to push myself to continue any further.
I couldn’t keep doing the thing that I had signed up to do for Sam in the first place – it didn’t feel right anymore, even though the sport grew on me.
And I couldn’t bring myself to face him, despite how I felt about him.
Perhaps it was because of how I felt, that I couldn’t do it.
But it was my fault he had been suspended.
All of it was.
And that’s why I had to leave, much to my parent’s dismay.
I had gotten in contact with my mother again, after that night.
She had told me how her and dad started attending therapy, and that they were happier than ever now.
Which was more than I could say for myself and Sam.
But deep down, I always knew we never had my parents’ strength, and I think so did he.
So, I turned in my final assignments early, and joined Lil in Montana.
And I didn’t look back this time.