I really couldn’t put into words how much I craved him, all of him. His time, his undivided attention, his smile, his adoration from afar – I lost it all, but I didn’t lose the memories.
I could never lose the memories – I am stuck with them, forever.
We walked the half-hour walk to the library from campus, simply enjoying each other’s company, sometimes talking, sometimes walking in comfortable silence. Sam and I had once been like this too – eager to hear each other’s stories, each other’s ideas about things in the world. Even if we didn’t always agree.
Theo and I didn’t agree. In fact, most of the things he had discussed on the way I didn’t even understand.
But that wasn’t the point – it was nice to finally feel like you were someone’s priority in a given moment, and that meant the world to me.
“Wow,” I simply breathed, as we came to a stop in front of the large, uniquely shaped piece of architecture, which preserved the most beautiful pieces of work inside. Novels, poems, ancient newspapers, all under one spectacular roof.
“It’s amazing, isn’t it?”
“Theo, this is beautiful,” was all I could say, and he guided me inside by the small of my back, his palm carefully placed. I wouldn’t go as far as saying I was turned on at this point, but this boy certainly had his methods – and he never failed to apply them.
We must’ve walked up and down the endless corridors of bookshelves for hours. Me admiring the books, and him admiring me. Or perhaps just how passionate one could be about such things. I can only imagine this is how he felt about football.
“I thought you didn’t read,” I said, after he had to slow his pace, and allow me to catch up. He must’ve gotten so bored and impatient that day, but he did it anyway.
Because I wanted to do it.
“I don’t. That doesn’t mean I don’t appreciate art when I see it.”
And it truly was an art.
“I hope you’re not afraid of heights.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m going to take you to the roof.”
“Is that allowed?” I giggle, and he just huffs at my inability to be rebellious, even for a little while.
“Well worst case scenario, the guards see us and we have to jump down.”
He laughs, but I think he was really being serious. That’s the thing with Theo; his jokes almost become reality to him, because I’m sure he had the guts to jump down if he did get caught.
Oh, but the view from the rooftop was something worth getting in trouble over. It was simply breathtaking – people, appearing so small, walking in all directions below us. The sun beginning to set, and tinting the November skies with the most perfect shade of orange.
And him. He was a sight in himself, and I could stare at this sight for the rest of my life.
“Okay now tell me, how many girls have you brought up here?”
“Of course. Dove cannot possibly just enjoy the view without ruining the moment.” He laughs, and hangs his head innocently.
“None, actually,” he continues, and when I raise my eyebrow at him in response, he says, “I swear. I come up here alone. It’s a good place to think.”
I decide to drop it, and nod my head sincerely, agreeing with him. It was a good place to think.
“It seems like you have a lot to think about,” I surprise the both of us by saying, but he simply nudges for me to join him on the floor.
“Yeah, I think everyone does. Everyone has their problems, has parents,” he scoffs and lets out a forced laugh, and I nod once again.
“Yeah, tell me about it. Are your parents -”
“Divorced.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be. They were miserable together.”
I look at him, and silently apologise once again through my facial expression, which he seemed to understand.
“Yours?”
“Uh, together still, but should be divorced.” It was my turn to let out a forced laugh. It was true though – my parents shouldn’t have survived what they did, still standing together as one.
“That’s even worse,” he says, reading my thoughts.
We sit in comfortable silence for a while, just facing one another. As I watched the boy before me pick at his ripped jeans as if he was a child, he really did appear as one. His curls were floppy on top of his head. His eyes were soft, the brilliant green of them turned a paler, much less definite shade. It was as if in that moment he was transforming before my eyes, revealing to me a side of him that I didn’t think existed up until then.
“I missed you,” I blurt out, and he looks up from his lap, his brows raised in shock at my words. I was just as shocked too. And I guess that in a world where I was constantly battling Sam, my parents, senior girls, college temptations and difficult lectures, I couldn’t afford to stop time and think about what I just admitted. But right then, in that moment, time did freeze over. The clock completely stopped ticking, and it was just us. Us and this heavenly view, imperfect and flawed us in a world that expected nothing short of perfect.
And we just couldn’t deliver that.
But as we continued to gaze at each other, ignoring the view at this point, I realised that I wanted this moment to last forever. He was my view. He brought me up to the library roof, in hopes of filling my heart with admiration for the city below us.
But my mind and body, worked in unison for the first time I could recall, and all they wanted was him.
I leaned in slowly, hoping not to startle him – but he had different ideas, and in a swift motion, his lips crashed onto mine, allowing me to take back that feeling I had felt the night of the bonfire, and the feeling I wanted to keep feeling for all eternity.