The more I tried to fight him, the harder he fought back. I wasn’t exactly sure why we had such a strong pull towards each other, apart from the burning need to explore one another in the most intimate ways, but I understand now.
This wasn’t just about the sex anymore, and we both knew it.
Thanksgiving at my parents had gone just as I expected it to. By the time Sam and I got back in the car on Monday afternoon, we both looked as if we dug up a whole graveyard. Snippets of conversation played in my mind from dinner, haunting it, to the point where Theo’s green eyes became only background music now to the grand performance that was my past brought to present.
“Have you gained weight, Dove? You seem an awful lot more chubby than when we dropped you off in September.”
“Why don’t you listen to Sam and get a car already, Dove? You’re in college now, you’ll need a car.”
“Why didn’t you take a Politics class too, Dove? It would’ve complimented Literature very well.”
I was mentally and physically exhausted. All my life, I had been imprisoned with this; feeling in this way, and knowing there was nothing I could do to change it, because alas I was still a child and needed my parents.
I needed them now – more than ever. I needed them to support and respect my choices like any other normal parent, and not to judge my every decision in life. But of course, this was too much to ask of my parents. They could never understand the pressure that I felt, and so they could never care enough to change their attitudes towards all of this.
I was thankful to Sam that he had chosen not to tell them everything over the weekend – about our arguments, about me being on the cheerleading team – I think we wouldn’t have made it out of that house alive if they knew that I had signed up. Their daughter’s future was being compromised in this way, because she wasn’t taking her classes seriously and was becoming the average college student instead.
And maybe I was. I certainly was changing into a new person already – the old Dove would’ve never gone and signed up for cheerleading. The old Dove would’ve never agreed to go to a frat party. And the old Dove… would’ve never put her loving relationship at risk by making out with a boy she had just met.
A boy she knew nothing about, but somehow he was learning new things about her everyday.
It angered me just how close he was getting.
He was getting too close, and I felt claustrophobic.
But I also felt like I was being paid attention to.
Sam had tried to make small talk on the drive back, and it felt nice knowing at least one of us could keep their shit together and remain sane after a weekend like that. He had slept in the guest bedroom while I moved back into my childhood room temporarily – it felt strange in a way, because for a month we got used to sharing a bed, even though there was an invisible separator that lined it down the middle, splitting up any cuddles or slight touches.
Or more.
But it also felt liberating in a way, knowing that we didn’t have an excuse to argue – more like I didn’t have an excuse to start an argument – over our whole sleeping situation. My parents seemed to think that Sam and I would stay virgins until marriage, and now that I think about it, that’s probably what he seemed to think too. Although we never actually discussed the topic of marriage, I knew it was coming. Sam and I were each other’s first love, hell first everything.
Not sex though. Someone had gotten in between us already whether I wanted him to or not, and it was made clear in the beginning that I was willing to take my chances on him, if Sam chose to not make a move any sooner.
As we pulled up to the apartment, a small smile spread across my lips in what seemed like forever, even though it had only been a few days. My parents’ dinner, no matter how organised and lovely, could never satisfy me – there were too many painful comments thrown around, and too many bad memories contained within the four walls of that house. We managed to drop by Sam’s too for a bit which I was glad for, because frankly I preferred his family over mine. His brother had grown at least four inches since we last saw him in September.
Everything was moving so fast.
And I could barely keep up.
“Are you tired?” Sam asked, and when I shook my head no, he continued, “I thought maybe we could go back to that park? From our date that day …” he pauses and I wince slightly at the events of that day, when I had forced myself on him in public, and ran out on him, only to run into Theo, which both worsened and sort of saved the day itself.
“Let’s just stay in for the rest of the day,” I suggest, trying to prevent a repeat of last time, but also being too afraid to face Theo yet, which I knew was most likely lurking around the area, and the cafe nearby.
“Oh, okay? I just thought that maybe you wanted to get your mind off the whole well… the whole weekend. I am sorry for dragging you back to your parents’, you know that right?”
“Sam, it was something we had to do. Yeah, I can’t stand my own parents, and it sucks, because I really wanted this dinner to be different. But we did the right thing by going, and I’m thankful you were there with me.”
“Always.” He simply states, smiles and plants a kiss on my cheek before moving us to the couch , where we spent the rest of the afternoon watching cheesy romcoms and eating bad takeaway, all in hopes that we can only move forward from here.
Which was a wish too far extended.