I do not want him to take this as a sign of my forgiveness or a move forward in our journey. I think it is better to leav-
“Do not think too much of this. I am merely inviting you in for I think it is almost time to feed our male. I do not think he will wait for the ride back home. You may also eat what I have made if you wish to for I unknowingly made more than I eat.” He says shattering my inner struggle whilst pouring the dish into two bowls easing the battling tension of my thoughts.
I look at the clock hanging on the wall on the opposite side of the room. There is time. There is enough time for me to take Kal home now with me and feed him. I can do that. But I… I won’t do it for I do not wish to shorten the time he has with his male.
Shutting my eyes close I take a slow breath in calming to register my taken decision. My right foot takes the first step forward followed by my left. Deimos still has his eyes away from me his attention on fixing lunch.
Closing the door softly behind me I head towards the sofa plopping on it sitting straight not comfortable enough to lean back. Rubbing my hands together to ease my bubbling nervousness whilst my ears pick up the sharp clanging of utensils.
He strides towards the sofa and my heartbeat quickens as if it were on a race. I keep my eyes glued to the small table in front of me. Kal keeps talking to us making his bubbly noises as always content that Deimos and I are both here.
He places the bowl on the table that my eyes lay upon. I look up at him to whisper my thanks. “Eat it when it is hot for it does not taste good when eaten cold. The flavour dies.”
I give him a curt nod staring at the steam the heat of the dish produces. He takes a seat at the other end of the sofa putting enough distance between us. There is a deep silence between us, not one that is comforting but an awkward one that I wish to escape.
Deimos tickles Kal’s belly as he begins to laugh mouth curling wide at the sides tiny hands reaching to pull on his father’s beard. My attention turns to the sofa we both are seated on and sudden memories flash in my mind of what we did on top of this. I take a shaky breath in as his eyes snap to mine figuring out what I am thinking.
He swallows harshly eyes dropping to my lower lip that my teeth sink into. Our instincts are fighting with the other trying to win over the weakest now that we are in a situation we ought not to be in. He breaths through his slightly ajar mouth so that he can escape the essence of my scent. It is a true struggle for him just as it is for me.
There are no other scents for us to take but each other and Kal’s. But Kal is merely a pup and it shall take more years to grow stronger. His scent pulls me in cradling me as if I were fragile. Our eyes do not leave each other our chests pulling in to take heavy breaths.
He makes no move towards me merely watching with his emeralds taking me in to sate the hunger that clouds over him. Not a sexual one but one of comfort and warmth. One he had craved with the entirety of his heart and mind. His soul is bare for me to sink into and drown.
I can choose to see whatever I wish, I can gather anything I need to use against him for our trials. He gives me such freedom to tie him down if it pleases me. He wants me to do whatever I wish to satisfy my hate.
I shake my head a deep frown on my face. “I-I did not mean it. I just-” His emotions flood my senses swiftly and what Cronus had said to me was true. He is drowning.
“Do you not wish to eat? Do you need to take Kal back home? It is all right, you may take him I can spend more time perhaps tomo-” He begins to speak changing the topic swiftly after analyzing my body language for he cannot read my thoughts. There are no walls around him but there is one I have up. He shifts preparing to get up and I stop him.
“I did not mean it.” I declare my truth without further hesitation. It is not right of me to sweep it under the rug and allow him to slowly tear himself away.
“Mean what?” He frowns leaning back into the sofa.
“When I said that I hated you, I did not mean it. I was furious and frustrated and I took it out on you. My feelings of you are different but not hate.”
He keeps silent for a few minutes taking in my words I just uttered to him. His eyes do not stray away from mine even when Kal demands his attention. “Answer me, this. Do you look at me as your male whom you can forgive or your Alpha tied down to his title whom you shall never deliver what he seeks?”
It was not an easy question. It can bring us together and see light at the end of this dark road or show us the truth that we are not meant for each other. It could break us apart. But he is leaving that for me to decide as he stands in the same position of his feelings for me.
“For me you were, is and shall always be my light. No matter what your emotions towards me, no matter our trials and tribulations, no matter our sins to each other. Your place for me shall always be here.” He places his palm over his beating heart eyes giving me proof of his truth. I remember the first time I met him he had told me my place was beneath him yet now it has changed to become a part of him. Being one. Being equal.
“I do not know the answer to your question. I am conflicted, I feel as though I may never see you in that light again. My soul is not healing, Deimos. It has not scarred yet, the flesh is raw and bleeding. I want to forget everything and just be peaceful. Even if I decide to become a family, you may never be mine again.” I say waiting for his reaction to the painful strike of my words.
But there is no visible reaction from him and his heart remains the same. He takes my words in with strength and does not fall. He takes my words in understanding and does not waver.
“I believe we can get through this, mate.” He says softly the words he had kept within for a while.
“Get through this how? Get through this how Deimos? You speak as if it is easy to do so. Perhaps I need to understand this tradition, this situation further but even thinking of it makes me gag and images I wish to burn flood my mind. Put yourself in my shoes, feel the betrayal I am being destroyed by.” My voice raising blood burning in my veins. My lips quiver whilst my hands tremble for I am showing him my truth little by little.
He remains his calm self merely taking in every word I say to him. “It is quite easy indeed. We do it together.” He mutters.
“There is nothing else left to do together.” I whisper digging my nails into the flesh of my palms.
“There is one, mate. To walk through the fire.”