Blank. This seems to be the situation of my mind for the past few days. I can’t… no, I don’t want to think of anything. I get up every morning rushing before my male’s eyes find mine. I run on that treadmill like my life depends on it, I box like I will not see the daylight tomorrow.
Anything. Anything that will not allow me to think, as my mind always tends to possess useless dreams when I do. I have made the training of the females harder putting in all my focus and attention. I haven’t been to Giovanni’s house to see him or Gianna. I don’t wish to spend time with her for a while. She fuels my desire.
I wish to talk to Deimos again instead of ignoring his existence but fear consumes me. I don’t want him to read my thoughts as knowing him he definitely will since I will not speak. Every time my ears perk up to the sound of his voice coming towards me during the day I run. He often searches for me only to get negative responses. I have made myself a ghost.
At night before he arrives, I close my eyes shut pretending to be asleep. I level my breathing for realness, something I am good at as I learned to do so as a pup to escape the wretched hands of my family. I often feel his gaze on my body as he lies far from my side. Never touching, never speaking or shifting closer. A barrier I put up between us to protect myself. Perhaps it hurts him in the process but I need some time.
“Are you well, Alpha?” Elriam questions her eyes drowning with worry.
“Yes.” Is all I answer her.
“You look quite pale?” She asks me again.
“Just a lot of work to do.” I reassure her with a soft smile. My eyes once again landing on the pups in front of me playing ball. Their laughter is like music to my ears. Then I watch their mothers as their pups run into their arms. Ah what a sight to see, all of them in their bubble of happiness. I bite my lip and look away. I need to exercise again.
“Right. Why don’t you do that first and get back to me?” My ears pick up Deimos’s voice approaching us. My eyes widen, I need to run. I need to get away. My eyes search eagerly for a way out as Elriam looks at me frowning. Finding a small clearing into the woods from where I stand my feet takes me there.
“Alpha!” Elriam shouts her voice laced with concern. I run without looking back, just a little more and I will be safe from his prodding eyes.
She takes the attention of Deimos quickly and gives away my location. “Lumina!” He screams. He is filled with rage. He doesn’t like me running away from him. I always seem to anger him. I don’t mean to. I just do.
I feel him quickly catching up to me. His feet pounding upon the grass floor but as I dodge his hands that wish to grab me, I add fuel to his anger.
“Deimos. Leave me be!” I scream pleading him to just leave me alone. If he catches me I cannot help myself. I will pour out my feelings uncontrollably. A loud growl vibrates through me the waves of its force making the birds flee the trees. The sound of two feet turns into four and I know his wolf is out.
I urge my wolf to take over but she stands still not moving silently watching the scene unfold in front of her. She has made this my fight. His wolf is faster, soft snarls grumbling from deep within his chest. He doesn’t run behind me anymore but at my side soon taking over running ahead of me.
My eyes widen when he flies past trees sliding in front of my path sprinting once more but towards me. I stop dead in my tracks as his paws pound the earth with force, eager to get to me. His eyes are set on me daring me to not move another inch. I cannot run from him anymore. He has caught me.
He pounces on me as if I were his prey, my back landing harshly upon the forest ground. I flinch to the force I was thrown back in. He roars on my face, lips pulled back fangs glinting from the sunlight. I lie still not moving just staring at him as he portrays his anger. His eyes hold a promise that he will not hurt me rather show his disapproval of my actions.
After a while of his small tantrum, he finally lifts his paws off my shoulders and I get up into a sitting position staring at the ground. His wolf circles me often coming in for a sniff of my neck, a lick, or a soft bite of my wrist. My scent calming this Alpha male.
“Do… do you at least want pups?” I break the silence fisting the mud into my palms. His wolf stops his circling and drops down, sitting in front of me on his hind legs. “Do you want a family with me?” I ask him again never meeting his eyes. I feel him near me slowly crawling infiltrating my protected space.
“I-I thought about it for so long. I wonder if I will be a good mother? I think you will be an amazing father.” I say, my lips wobbling. Tears seeping to the front wanting their release. His wolf lets out a soft whine dropping his head on my lap looking up at me.
“I never had a loving family. I don’t even know the meaning of family but I want to feel it. That warmth. I want to feel it with no other but you. O-Or do you still find me unworthy to have this with you?” I ask him my last question, pouring out my insecurities sobbing as I cover my eyes with my dirty palms tears streaming down my face. His wolf whines softly sniffing and licking my face whilst nudging me with his snout pressing his cheek to mine.
I weep and whimper, my heart open on display for him. Something I tried hard to bury the past few days rising from the dead to show itself. I can never hide from him. I flinch when I feel the warmth of two hands clutching mine removing my palms from my face.
I don’t look up at him as slight hiccups take over. “Don’t weep, my female, it pains me.” He says softly bringing me into his arms. “Don’t run from me, it kills me. Don’t hide your thoughts from me, I want to see what you cannot tell.” He whispers softly.
His thumbs gently wipe the stranded tears away, his fingers lifting my jaw for our eyes to meet. He tilts his head to the side looking down at me gently.
“I am sorry.” I whisper. A natural instinct. He frowns.
“Don’t apologize to me. Why do so? None of this is your fault. I bear it all. I… I am sorry, my female. For putting you through all this.” He says his eyes filled with distress.
“I just needed to not think and be free for a while. I didn’t even think about how you would have felt. I-” I begin expressing my thoughts as he puts a finger to my lips.