Benlyam had me warped under his arms as I laid my heavy head against his shoulder. The sofa seemed so uncomfortable. It felt wrong. Reseda sat across from us with a grim expression. The whole room was so dark despite all the lights on.
Reseda informed us of what they would do with our pup’s corpse. I didn’t want to listen, I wanted to drown. They were going to have a funeral but Reseda offered to cremate it.
I was a sobbing mess at both thoughts. I didn’t want my child buried six feet underground in a casket the size of a shoebox and I didn’t want my baby to burn. Benlyam didn’t want to have the conversation, he was also disturbed by everything. They decided on a funeral. I couldn’t bury my face in Benlyam’s shirt anymore. I wanted to disappear.
I didn’t care how I was acting, I lost what could’ve been.
“Again, I am very sorry. However, the other two seem to be perfectly fine! I am very relieved that it was only one and not all three, as you know Alpha about the condition of Luna’s ability to reproduce,” my ears perked up and I sat straighter, finding my headspace. I’ve been waiting months for someone to tell me, I completely forgot. “The chance of children was a rarity and the fact that she was able to conceive is a miracle!”
I felt Benylam tense and I got confused. I furrowed my brows at Reseda and she looked between Benlyam and me.
“And even after this, I am certain you wouldn’t be able to produce. It’s quite possible that the other two might not-” Benlyam cut her off with a menacing growl. She swallowed, “but they are healthy and that’s a good sign.”
Alarm bell.
“I’m s-sorry, w-what?” I asked. I could barely hear myself.
“Luna, you are what we deem infertile. The only possible explanation I see for this instance is either the bond recognized your mate’s sperm or it was an intervention form the Moon Goddess herself.”
I blinked at her.
“Sterile. You aren’t supposed to have kids, I wrote it in one of the first reports I did,” she nodded towards Benlyam and he grimly nodded back.
I pulled up from his grip as I looked at him with wide eyes full of betrayal and disgust. He immediately looked at me when I pulled away and he tilted his head at me concerned.
“You k-knew?” I asked, my voice dripping in disbelief and hurt. He knew I couldn’t have pups and still impregnated me. I didn’t know how that was logical but I was so hurt, distraught by the loss of our pup.
( ‘Violet, I don’t think he meant to…’ )
… Shush, he knew!…
Sage didn’t want to fight back, she was defeated from the loss of our pup.
“Honey, it-” Benlyam started but I shook my head.
“You knew? And- and you didn’t tell me? What is wrong with you?” My voice was rising with each question and Benlyam’s eyebrow crease became deeper.
He turned to Reseda, “Can you give us a second?” he growled out. She immediately nodded and scurried out of the room.
He reached for my hand and I smacked it away.
“Don’t touch me!” Benlyam frowned but pulled back. “Why didn’t you say anything! It’s been how long?”
“Because I didn’t want to hurt you, Violet! You’re fragile and I didn’t want to hurt you, honey,” Benlyam’s voice was strained and it hurt to see him that way but I just lost a child, and he didn’t tell me that this was a huge possibility.
“Fragile! That didn’t stop you any other time! If anything, it fueled you!” he blinked at me. No, I didn’t want to bring it up again because I just didn’t like talking about that time, but I was hurt and I was speaking whatever felt justified. Even if it was mean.
“Don’t say that Violet, I’m sorry about how I treated you but I wasn’t going to tell you then and I’m sorry-”
“Don’t you think I should’ve known? If it was my medical record!” I yelled at him and he sighed, regret bubbling in him. “I lost our baby! Does that mean anything to you? It’s gon-” I couldn’t finish it. A sob that was building up this whole time cut me off.
I brought a shaky hand up to cover my mouth and Benlyam winced.
“C-can we even have kids after this?” I weakly asked. He hesitantly shook his head.
“Unless we get a miracle. I’m sorry, Violet…” he swallowed, holding himself together, being strong because my broken shards were slipping again. We spent months fixing each other, putting together puzzle pieces and it was rumbling.
“S-so we’ll only have two?” again he nodded. I hated the world, but two was better than none. “That’s not fair!” A small cry left my lips, “I did everything right, Derek!” he stiffened at his surname, he hated when I called him that, “I gained weight, I stopped cutting, I-” another sob cut me off.
I was lucky to have the kids, I know that. What wasn’t fair was the fact that I’ve literally gone through hell and the universe does this.
“Why didn’t you say anything, Lyam? Do kids mean nothing to you? Do you even want them?” My throat was burning.
He opened his arms and I sadly made my way to his embrace. I shoved my face into his chest as I cried my eyes out. I didn’t want to do this.
“Violet, how can you even ask me that? I love our pups, I can’t wait to hold them,” he spoke into my hair.
Everything hurt.
“I don’t want to do this anymore…” I mumbled against his chest and I felt him still.
“What?” Benlyam whispered as he pulled back to look at me.
“I want to die…” I choked out. It was the absolute truth. Those words left my lips without any hesitation, part of me didn’t want to tell him but they left.
He snapped.
His glassy eyes shattered as tears fell down his cheeks. Oceans clashed. He looked at me confused as he tilted his head. His breathing was slow.
I’ve never seen him cry. Guilt crawled up my back.
“What?” he asked, but no sound came out, he simply mouthed it.
“I can’t do this, Lyam. Everything hurts. I’m tired of always hurting! I never get a break, I was beaten and lived through Hell for twelve years and- and I have something that I love and…” another cry cut me off.
Benlyam’s shoulder shook as he closed his eyes to steady himself. He bit his lips to stop from crying in front of me, he was being so strong while I wailed about our children.
I felt bad, I should’ve comforted him just as he was doing to me.
“Flower. Don’t ever say that,” he croaked. He placed a hand on my stomach and I flinched but he kept it there. “We have two babies still, not all is lost. Everything will be okay, Violet, I promise you. Our kids are going to come out happy and healthy and they’ll have the best mother in the world and all the love they can ask for.”
I bit back my tears as I pulled him back into me, hugging him. I wanted to go home.
“Alright, Flower. Let’s go…”
We managed to get back into bed. He had someone change the sheets while we were gone.
We didn’t say anything to each other, we were both still processing what happened. I had my head resting on his shoulder as my hands held my belly.
I pulled his hand on top of my bump. This would be the only time we would have this…
“Violet,” Benlyam called softly and I hummed in response. “There’s a statute here, Dignity. She represents the courage of some tribal cultures, but also, a symbol of promise and respect for the future.”