I felt his gaze on me and I looked in my lap, fiddling with my wrists.
“Don’t do that,” Derek’s hand grabbed mine. He held my hand and brought it to his lips, lightly pressing a kiss to the skin of the top of my hand.
“They’re n-not healing,” I mumbled. It was sad, really. They made my wrists look hideous. More- they were already scarred up.
“They will, just takes time, Flower,” he assured me and brought my cut wrists to his lips and lightly kissed them. “Do they hurt?” I shook my head ‘no’ in response.
“N-numb,” I told him and he looked up at me. “They don’t hurt a-after a day, they just feel n-numb because they g-got used to it,” I couldn’t stop from oversharing.
He hummed and looked back at them, kissing them again.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled against the skin.
I know I said I wouldn’t forgive him, and I’m not dismissing how I felt and still feel. But, I felt bad. And I know that he played a starring role in this whole dilemma, but the submissive, passive side of me spoke so quickly that I couldn’t process it.
“It’s okay, it’s n-not your fault.”
Derek frowned at me, “Yes it is Flower, you’re not going to hurt me by saying it. I’m truly sorry for everything I did to you. I understand it’ll take time for you to believe that, but I mean it.”
I swallowed and nodded.
… Whatever you say…
( ‘Hear Mate out.’ ) Sage demanded.
“Flower. I want to start over. You don’t have to forgive me. I don’t think you could. But- Violet, I can’t lose you.” he pleaded.
“If n-not for my wolf, you wouldn’t even be here,” I couldn’t help but dish back his words.
A sliver of regret tingled in my system, it wasn’t mine. I felt like he tried to hold it back but still, some hit me. He swallowed and looked back at my wrists before back at me.
“Honey, I said a lot of things to you that I didn’t mean. I swear to everything I didn’t mean it, I-”
“Then why did you s-say it? A-all of it?” I asked, my voice cracked and I felt my throat burn. I tugged my hands from his and wrapped them around my waist.
He sighed out. “I was- fuck. I was in denial, I was pissed, I was mad. Hell, I was a lot of things,” he sounded irritated, but somewhere in me, I knew it wasn’t directed towards me, but rather himself. “Zaxton wanted you the moment he caught your scent in Ohio. And to be honest with you, I did too, but I told myself I couldn’t have you.”
That hurt. I frowned and he reached out and rubbed my knee in comfort. My body warmed up but his word still stung.
“Why?” I whispered. Just like every other time, I was asking for the pain. I was requesting for him to hurt me. Just like when I asked him why he wouldn’t sleep with me instead of sleeping around.
Apprehension brewed in me. It was his.
“Flower…” he trailed.
“Why?” I whispered again.
He sighed and the anxiety level grew. “I thought you were too broken for me, that you weren’t strong enough. Zaxton always snipped at me and dismissed the thoughts instantly, and part of me knew he was right. But I also knew you couldn’t handle me right away, and vice versa.”
My body was tense as he spoke. I felt the honesty in his words. So he wasn’t lying?
…”Worthless weak runt.”…
…”Why would I want you? You’re a damaged flower. You’re weak.”…
My walls started to tremble and tears clouded my eyes. Was I just a pussy to him? Something to fuck in his free time to keep his wolf attached to him? He doesn’t even fuck me… So I really was just here for his wolf?
I saw his hand reach out to me and I flinched away, but he still touched my cheek. He wiped his thumb over it and frowned, his eyes not hiding his hurt.
“Flower,” he strained, “What is going on inside your head,” he whispered out, mostly to himself but I still heard him. “Don’t cry. I hate it, it fucking hurts like hell.”
I didn’t realize the tears started to come down. I sniffled and moved my head back. I wasn’t gonna tell him, let myself suffer like I always do. I’ll tell him later when I’m more stable…
“Flower. I’m sorry for everything I ever did to you. It’s hard to express it with what I grew up with, but honey. I- fuck. I never meant to do harm, maybe just detach from you. Or vice versa because I knew that I would hurt you.” he sighed out and looked in my eyes. “It hurt so fucking bad to see you in the hospital, I didn’t realize how much I took you for granted-”
“Derek, y-you’re okay. It’s fine.” I didn’t want to talk about it. No, no.
“Violet, you can’t-”
“I d-don’t want to talk a-about this…”
It got quiet. I know I wanted to talk about this but I felt tense now.
“Can I see?” he hesitantly asked. I looked up at him, confused. He took my look and clarified, “your scars.”
Instinctively I backed into the headboard. My arms around me tightened and I dropped my eyesight, often flinching even though he made no move to touch me.
“It’s okay honey, I won’t touch you, not without your permission,” he spoke softly, coaxing me out of my fear-induced shell.
I cautiously looked back up at him, studying him for any malicious intentions. He had none.
Maybe I should just show him? He’s already seen me naked- multiple occasions too. I could ask him my question afterward if he wasn’t too pissy with the marks.
Slowly I unwrapped my hands from my waist, Derek sitting quietly by. My hands were shaky as I reached for the hem of my shit and brought it up. Derek kept his eyes trained on my face, waiting for my permission to look. Once I had the shirt securely under my breast I nodded to him.
I know he was big on me with verbal responses, but he accepted this because I was already out of my comfort zone.
His eyes trailed down to my abdomen and he just stared. I held my breath, not daring to move. His eyes didn’t let any emotion pass.
“There’s more on my back if you want to s-see,” I spoke out after a few moments. A few seconds passed before he gave any sign or an answer. He nodded his head ever so slightly.
Once I went to turn around and show him my exposed back, I noticed his hands. They were in his lap but balled in fists and he was hiding the fact that they were shaking.
“He did this?” he spoke lowly, controlling the fury I felt. I swallowed, Sage tensing up.
“N-not a-all of it,” I shivered when I felt his hand touch me. His fingers lightly traced my whipping scars, barely putting pressure.
“Honey…” he whispered, his voice dripping in pain. “Who?” he gruffly gutted out a complete contrast to his previous tone.
I stammered for a second, the memories flooding me and raising the panic and anxiety in me.
“A-alpha, B-beta a-and Gamma, m-mainly,” my speech impediment jutted out. Truthfully, it has gotten better, I used to stutter over every word and now it was mainly certain letters.
“Mainly?” he growled, I couldn’t help the flinch. He lightly rubbed my back, carefully like he was scared of reopening my marks.
“Y-yes. M-many pack m-members did things b-but m-most was them,” my voice started to waver.