Except… now that I’ve seen those beautiful home births, my birth plan has lost its appeal.
And I really want to go to that class. I want to see more videos and cry at the beauty of birth.
And yes… I do secretly hope Ravil will be there.
Or that I’ll see him.
We can talk. Figure things out.
I get up, shower and head to the Kremlin. As I approach, my heart starts hammering in my chest. Harder, louder, more insistent than in any courtroom. The place holds so much meaning for me. Tangled, knotted up, confused meaning.
Maykl gives me a wary, suspicious look as I come in, and my heart sinks. Of course, everyone in the building would know what happened. The feds were all over this place.
“Is Mr. Baranov expecting you?” he says, too formal for friendliness.
I swallow. “I’m here for the birthing class.”
His face clears and he straightens. “Right. Third floor. You remember how to get there?”
“Yes, thank you.”
He picks up his phone and starts texting. Telling Ravil, no doubt.
I get a similar reaction from Svetlana when I show up. A bit of shock to see me, but she recovers quickly. “Is Ravil coming?”
I shrug. “I don’t think so. I didn’t tell him I was coming.”
“I see. Well, welcome. I’m glad you came.” She waves a hand in Carrie’s direction. “As you know, birthing at home without a partner is just as beautiful.”
Birthing at home.
Without a partner.
Is that what I’m doing?
I don’t know about that. I just came for the videos. But I don’t tell her that. I have months to decide, still.
I sit through class, sob at the end of each birthing video, and go home alone, without seeing Ravil.
The moment I walk into my apartment, I burst into tears.
Ravil
“NO DISRESPECT, but what in the fuck are you doing?” Dima says.
I crack my lids against the afternoon sun to see Dima standing over me, Nikolai beside him. Both of them have their arms crossed over their chests. Twin demons waking me from a drunken stupor.
I’m on the rooftop, getting sunburnt by the pool and drinking enough Beluga Noble vodka to permanently pickle my liver. I’ve been here since last night, I think. I might have slept here.
I lift a sloppy finger and point. “Watch how you speak to me,” I slur. My lids close again to block out the glare.
“Lucy is getting an ultrasound today. And she invited you to come,” Dima intones pointedly.
I crack a lid. “How do you know that?”
“I’m still monitoring all her devices. She texted you last night.”
“And you didn’t bother to answer,” Nikolai supplies.
I wave my hand like I’m shooing a fly. “Get outtahere.” I would tell him to stop monitoring her, but I can’t stand the thought of not knowing what’s going on in her life. It’s unbearable enough to let her go.
They don’t move. I know because I crack an eye again. “Yob vas.” Fuck you.
“Ravil.” It’s Nikolai this time. “Why are you being a dick to her? She literally has done nothing to you. You kidnapped her and forced her to fall in love with you, and now you treat her like dirt?”
I snarl and sit up. “Who said she’s in love with me?”
Dima gives me an are you stupid look. “When her friend gets her rescued, she lies to make sure you don’t go down for it. Even after what you did. If that’s not love, I don’t know what is.”
“And now she’s reaching out to you. She came here to the building for birth class. She invited you to go see your goddamn baby swim around in utero, and you fucking ignore her? You’re being a govnosos.”
“I let her go.” In my head, it explains everything. “She wanted to be let go, and I let her go.”
Nikolai shakes his head. “Letting her go and being a govnosos are two different things.”
“She wanted you at that ultrasound,” Dima says. “Are you going to let her have this baby on her own?”
“That’s what she wanted.” I make a wide gesture with my hand, sloshing more Beluga over my chest. I hiss because it stings where it hits my sunburn.
“Jesus, Ravil, you’re getting burnt. Get off the fucking roof.” Dima speaks, but they both move in concert, grasping the sides of my chaise lounge and tipping it over, so I tumble off.
“Now you’re both dead,” I mutter, lumbering to climb to my feet, which takes more effort than I expected.
“You gotta sleep that shit off,” Nikolai says, ducking when I swing at him and catching my arm instead.
“And take a fucking shower.” Dima grabs my other arm.
I make a half-hearted attempt to shake them off. “Yob vas.” Cursing in Russian is about all I’m capable of at the moment.
“Trust me, boss, you’re gonna thank us later,” Nikolai says.
“No,” I mumble. “I won’t.” I stumble to the door. Or maybe they drag me. It’s hard to tell. There are stairs that are very difficult to navigate.
I’m not going to call Lucy. It’s fucking killing me, but I let her go. If I open that door again, I won’t stop. I’ll claim her as mine, and I’ll never, ever let go.
And Lucy’s not the type of woman who can be held. She can’t be kept.
She’s a bird, and she needs to-
I hit my bed with a thud, and then all thought disappears.
Lucy
I WAS A FOOL. I was a fool to hope and wish and expect Ravil to show up at the ultrasound yesterday even though he didn’t answer my text.
And I’m an even bigger fool now.
But I don’t care.
The pain I felt when he didn’t come, the emptiness, made it all too clear.
I don’t want to do this alone.
Ravil is my baby’s father, and he’s going to be a damn good one. The evidence of that was everywhere, I just was too judgemental to see it. The loyalty of his men speaks to it. The way he handled the teenager in the pool. The soccer kid in the elevator.