Her brows knitted together and a shadow crossed her eyes. Inhaling deeply, she then exhaled completely. “Yes, I’m fine. I was saved by Matthew from that creep. But you…” Her body shook. Apparently, “You impeded him.”
The quick shiver that went through her was not a good sign.
“What’s the matter? ”
Her lower lash line hid her eyes from me. “Would you seriously… Don’t kill him like Mathew said; he warned you. If you were in their shoes, what would you have done?” Finally, she looked up, and the terror in her eyes cut right through me. “What if you had the chance to kill him? ”
I reached up and encircled her face with my palms. Not even a little bit of discomfort registered on her face.
“No. Not me; I wouldn’t have murdered him. I intended to inflict pain on him, but I had no intention of taking his life. ”
“Why not, since Matthew warned you not to? ”
“No, cherub. Simply put, I don’t have it in me.” My remarks were tainted with embarrassment as I recalled my father’s reaction. I didn’t want to murder anybody, but I couldn’t stand seeing my father so upset.
Taking a big breath, I resolved to be completely honest with her about the extent of my crimes. I owed her an explanation for leaving, and I knew that without giving her one, I would never regain her confidence.
I”I have slain a guy,” I revealed my guilt.
Her brow furrowed in surprise, but she said nothing. So I continued my confession to her and she let me finish.
“In my youth, as a teenager, I was nothing more than a messenger. When narcotics were being traded, I was there to help relay messages and keep an eye on the action at my family’s restaurant.
That wasn’t the part that bothered me. Back then, I was enthusiastic and determined to live up to my father’s expectations.
That was, of course, before I had any inkling of the truth about my surroundings. My father had protected me from the danger because he wished for a peaceful upbringing. ”
“That was a time when I had the duties of a man, and I was a man. As head of recruitment, Mathew was responsible for scouting out potential new male members of our clan. In a way, I was able to assist him. At first, it was only a question of picking out the boys who had a tendency toward violence and the guys who aspired to become successful men. Nonetheless, the work became dirtier. Bloodier. Soon after, I began assisting my father in his racketeering endeavors, which included my share of frightening targets into doing business with us. Mathew and I used to threaten people who weren’t paying their bills until they did. ”
I inhaled deeply, ready to expose the worst side of my character.
“Six months ago, we were frightening a man with the aid of some new people, Mathew and I had recruited. ”
“John Harrywas the identity of the deceased. His name is one that won’t easily slip my mind. His fearful, white face is burned into my memory. Totally wrecked and covered with blood.
All hell broke loose as the lads lost their cool. They went beyond, and the guy had to be hospitalized. It was just two days later that he passed away. To top it all off, the blame lies squarely with me. ”
I frowned and averted my gaze, unable to meet her wide-eyed stare any longer.
“When I discovered out, I literally threw up. I puked in front of both my father and Mathew’s. My father felt terrible about me. I felt terrible about letting him down, but I felt much worse about what I had done. And that’s why I went to college. I had always wished to further my education by enrolling in college but was never given the chance to do so. Learning to be violent was more valuable to me than any formal schooling. ”
I looked back into her eyes, soaking them up like a sponge. I didn’t want to waste a single moment with her since this may be the final time she ever let me touch her.
“When I finally met you, I convinced myself that everything would turn out OK. That things in my life would change. Just so you’d know I’m worthy of you.”
With my thumbs, I lightly tapped the contours of her cheeks. “Now I realize that I never did. The answer is no, and I never intend to. But I just cannot release you, Emily. I’m counting on you. ”
She took a deep breath, but her shocked expression didn’t change as she continued to look up at me.
When she didn’t answer immediately away, I felt a knot form in my stomach.
She reached up and lightly massaged the muscle tension in my jaw. “I always knew you were a decent human being. Yes, I need you, Nicola. ”
I let out a sigh of relief and a breath I’d been holding.
“Sweetheart, I’m not a decent guy.”
Her glare hardened with resolve. Rarely did I see her fiery spirit, but when it did, I knew I was ready to hear her enormous intellect unfurl.
“That man’s death wasn’t what you had in mind. “