I look at the contents in my phone and then at James. My heart aches.
James, I’m sorry. Everything he says is protecting me. Even though Isabel is his mother, he still shows her his love for me, defends me, and even helps me vent my anger.
But I’m going away. I can’t stay with him anymore. I really chose my own path.
“What’s the matter?” He looks at me with concern.
“Nothing.” I shake my head.
“What will happen to her? Look at me! I am your mother. I am almost driven crazy by you!” Isabel glares at me with a fierce look in her eyes.
I have butterflies in my stomach and I’m not in the mood to fight with Isabel, but today she fails miserably.
“I still have something to deal with. Have a nice chat.” I smile triumphantly at Isabel, and then turn and walk away.
“Come back, bitch! I haven’t allowed you to leave! Come back!” Isabel shouts and tries to rush forward, but James stops her.
“Mom, come on, take a break.” James is comforting Isabel.
Isabel’s curse keeps coming to my ears, and I pretend not to hear it, worrying more about tomorrow.
Tomorrow night in the early morning, I will sneak out from here and take Ella away, but will James find it? What if he finds out? Will he stand me leaving him?
I am worried right now, not knowing what to do next. But I know I must leave and nothing will change it.
I lay in bed in a daze. Suddenly, a strong body presses against me.
“James?” I call to him, and his teary eyes meet mine.
The breath of alcohol spoils on my face.
He hugs me tightly. “Will you never leave me again? My mother can’t control me anymore. I’m not the James I used to be. Look at me! Look at me! Now we can be together if we want to be together.”
I gently stroke his face, telling the last lie I want to tell in my life, I say, “Yes, I will never leave you, never again.”
James smiles happily, his eyes squinting. “I know it! You love and you can’t me, right?”
I nod, feeling miserable.
I know I should not lie to him, but only do so can I leave him. I can only hurt him again.
James kisses me tenderly all the way down my neck, my cheek, my collarbone, in no order or arrangement.
I close my eyes, afraid to look into his eyes. How happy he is now. I am really a bad person, a good liar.
We roll on the big soft bed, violently, passionately, and finally collapse.
I touch his sweaty hair, feeling his breath, telling myself that this is the last time and that I am leaving.
James, I’m sorry.
Early in the morning, James tells me that he has to go out of the town. I smile and say, “I will wait for you at home.”
My face is not red, and I no longer feel guilty, as I have no feeling for such a lie.
He kisses my lips, gently but not willing to leave.
I smile and push him away and say, “Come on, you’ve got work to do.”
“Okay, I will come back tomorrow. You have to be good and wait for me, you know? James pinches my face.
I nod and say, “Yes.”
James looks at me, smiles, and turns around.
The last thing he leaves me is his back, the way he turns to leave.
“James!” I suddenly shout at him, and James turns to look at me indulgently.
“I’ll be back tomorrow.” James says.
“Yes. Bye.” I gasp slowly.
James turns away again, and I watch him disappear.
The last impression he leaves on me is his back, which is in the sun, and wearing a black suit. With sunlight shining on his head, he leaves step by step.
I will remember this picture deeply, and for the rest of my life, I will never forget it.
When James leaves, I quickly pack my things. There are a few clothes, some papers, and my passport.
I plan to live with Ella in South State for a period of time and then go abroad.
Everything is ready, just waiting for tonight’s departure.
I thought it won’t be easy, and I have to sneak out, but I didn’t think something is going to happen to James. It is going so weirdly well
It’s just a lie that I will fly to country F with Ella tonight at 12 o’clock.
In fact, I want to take Ella to South State.
Ella is sent to the kindergarten early in the morning.
I pick her up with my luggage.
Ella looks at me with the package and asks, “Mom, where are we going?” She is puzzled.
She looks at me quizzically, even disapprovingly.
She doesn’t want to leave. She is very happy with James and wants to stay with him. Maybe it is because they are father and daughter.
Do I feel bad? I say to myself. Yes. But what can I do?
I force a smile and say to Ella, “We will have fun for a few days. Your father will also go with us, but we go first, ok?”
“Good!” Ella claps her hands happily and her eyes are bright. “Do you mean that we are going on a family trip? Many kids went out with their parents, but I didn’t! You don’t know how envious I am!”
“Come on.” I am dazed and take Ella by the hand and lead her to the bus station.
When we get on the bus, I put my arms around Ella, feeling more and more uneasy. I don’t know why, but I always feel that what I did is wrong, and I feel that I hurt not only hurt James but also Ella.
Ella always wants to be with her father. Before that, she always asked me about her father. Why did all the other children have fathers but she doesn’t? At that time, I always lied to her that father was working in other places and had many important things to do. When he finished his job, he would come and find her.
I have told her many lies like this so that Ella finally stops asking. Maybe she knows that her father would never come back for her.
But these days she knows what it is like to have a father. He would carry her to run; he will hold her up his head, and he will accompany her to play.
I could not bear to look down at Ella who is so excited.
“Mom, where are we going to play? Will we go to the beach? I want to see the sea!” Ella asks me, looking up.
I am distraught and say, “Yes, mother will take you to see the sea.”
“And papa! I like him very much, and he says he’s my father. I don’t know why, but I just like him!” Ella puffs her mouth and smiles.
I smile bitterly, not knowing how to answer her.
The car draws forwards slowly. I look back. I am going to say goodbye to this place, and I will never come back.
Morley sends a text to me, “Get your things up, and I’ll pick you up tonight. You have to go out tonight, you know?”
He thinks I am really going to country F.
But no, I use Morley again. I’m sorry.
I don’t reply and turn off my phone. Goodbye.
As the car drives slowly through the streets of City A, I still feel nervous. As long as I haven’t reached the South State, I would always feel uneasy.
Will I regret it in the future? I don’t know. I just know that I can’t live with James.
The bus gets on the freeway.
I close my eyes. Does that mean I’m finally out of City A?
“Stop! Stop!” I am in a daze with my eyes closed when I hear a cry.
I look back and see a car chasing the back of the bus.
My eyes widen. It is James! I know his license plate number!
I feel anxious.
The car is picking up speed and moving abreast of the bus.
“Stop!” James stares at me with his red eyes.
He saw me! I am panicked, and immediately draw the curtains.
“Oh, what’s that! Oh, my god! We can’t stop here!” People on the bus are shouting and the driver is cursing.
The window opens and James’s hair flying. He looks extremely furious.
He must hate me now.
I don’t know what I’m going to do.
“What’s all this about? What is this young man? It’s dangerous!” The people on the bus are talking.
“Shit! What the hell!” The driver suppresses his anger, not knowing whether he should stop now or wait until the rest stop.
James steps on the throttle and the car zooms forward.
The crowd exclaims, and my heart is about to leap out.
I stare at the car.
The car has passed in front of the bus.
James is trying to force the bus to stop.
“Shit! There are many people in this car! How come I meet such a psycho!” The driver slows down the bus.
It’s a good thing that the driver can stop the bus.
My hands are trembling and I hold Ella who is asleep.
James comes over with a cold face.
“Let’s go, get off the bus!” James grabs my hand.
I don’t move or look at him.
The people on the bus are impatient. “Settle your things, little girl. We are all in a hurry.”
“Yes, even if you are quarreling, you can’t run away from home. The child has almost grown up.”
“You can’t do that. It’s dangerous. I haven’t seen anything like this. If there is a car accident, who will bear the responsibility? Why are you kids so annoying!”
One word and another comes in my ears.
“I say it for the last time, get off the bus!” James’s face is horrible.
His hand pinches my wrist hard.
“James, just let me go.” I finally look up at him.
“You wanna leave?! James smiles darkly. “No way!”
And then, he picks me and Ella up and carries me off the bus.
I struggle, but James says nothing.
“Carolina, I hate you.”
I heard him say so.
My heart clenches tightly.