She had been married to Bill for 5 years when she started to notice the signs. Charlene was barely 3 years old, Bill’s career was climbing fast as a lawyer. He spent 10 to 12 hours at work while she drowned in house chores, caring for a toddler by herself. He always came home late, she was drained of energy by the time he arrived.
Gradually, his midnight kisses no longer touched her cheeks as she pretended to be asleep. He didn’t peeked at his sleeping wife and daughter anymore. Instead, he went straight to his study and made a phone call.
It didn’t take long for her to take her suspicion seriously. She would sneak out of her bed, tiptoed to her husband’s study and pressed her ear against the door. He was talking to someone, in a soft voice, like the way he would talk to an intimate friend. She couldn’t think of anyone he would be talking to in that way.
She would go in without knocking. Bill’s face went white and ended his call immediately. “Work”, he’d say. At 3 o’clock in the morning. She pretended to believe him.
Catherine went to the phone company and requested a print out on all the numbers coming in and going out of her house. That’s how she found out her husband was calling his 18 year old intern at 3 o’clock in the morning. He was 33 years old at the time.
They had a huge fight. Bill went down on his knees and begged for her forgiveness. He said he never touched the girl because she was ‘too young’. He ended the relationship like he switched off the TV. The girl was released from her duties, Bill changed their home phone number, the girl was gone out of their life like she never even existed. That’s when she knew, she had married the wrong man.
Charlotte was conceived soon after because of a make-up sex they had after Bill swore on his parents life that he will never do something like that again. She gave him a second chance, he deserved it, he was the father of their children.
She tried to love him again, the way she did before the affair, with all her heart and soul. She cried sometimes at night, after the children were asleep. Even after she had forgiven him, she couldn’t forgive herself. She cried, not because of what he had done. She cried because of what she had given up to be his wife, which was herself, which was everything.
The second child drowned her even more into the life of a housewife. While Bill’s career skyrocketed, the money he was making made it easier for all of them. He wanted a big house as a showcase of all his hard work. She said ‘okay’ but it had to come with a set of staff that will take care of it.
Somehow Catherine knew deep down inside, he was going to repeat the same mistake again. With money and power in his pocket, she will not get an apology this time, but a slap on the face instead. After what he had provided for the whole family, the least she could do was to be obedient and keep her mouth shut. She did.
Charlene was 10, Charlotte was 7. Catherine built an armor around her fragile heart. She put a smile on her face and pretended she didn’t know that her husband had been sleeping with other women. As long as the women kept him off her bed, as long as he kept his hands off her, she was okay. Or so she made herself believe it.
Her husband’s affairs were like ghosts that haunted her mind. They were there in the silence of her thoughts, behind her Monalisa smile, in the nook and cranny of her guarded heart, her broken, mended, crushed little heart.
Catherine took a deep breath, at the same time she took Malcolm’s hand when they walked in the corridor of their hotel. It startled him, he had been holding the urge to do that for days. And now his hand was tangled with hers.
“Let’s have that drink tonight,” she said.
He looked at her. she looked nervous.
“Your room or mine?” she asked.
Malcolm swallowed nervously, he shrugged. “It don’t matter to me …”
She smiled, “Mine then.”
“Okay.”
**********
Her room was the suite on the top floor with a balcony looking down on Gastonburry night view. A luxury she will soon let go of along with the last name she had been using for the past 20 years.
She sat on the edge of the bed to take off her heels. Her dress parted. Malcolm was pouring a drink at the bar and saw her reflection in the mirror. Her skin is still smooth. Not as young, but still as beautiful.
“Here’s to our one week break in Gastonburry,” Malcolm handed over a glass of whiskey on the rocks.
She stood up, took it with a smile and sipped on it. She took his hand and led him out to the balcony, “Let’s enjoy the view outside.” They leaned on the railing, “Here’s to long lost friendships,” she added. They clicked their glasses and drank. Their eyes watched each other.
“How soon do you think we can do this again?” Malcolm asked. They were going back to their hometown the next day, already he was thinking about seeing her again.
“I don’t know … soon, I hope,” she chuckled and sipped from her glass again. “You know … he called me this morning … to ask me when I was coming home,” she turned to gaze at the view. “We’re almost out of food supplies … he said, somebody needs to manage the household around here … I don’t have to care for that,” she mimicked her husband’s voice. She fell silent afterwards.
Malcolm didn’t move a muscle, his eyes were admiring the real view in front of him. The one he had missed almost half his life.
“He didn’t ask about his daughter, he didn’t ask how my stay was … no … just the fact that he was running out of food at home and he didn’t have time to care for it,” she inhaled deeply, closed her eyes and felt the night breeze brushed against her face. “Do you think all marriages are reduced to that? Convenience … I do this for you, you do this for me, they’re so used to each other that they’d stay together … just because …”
What he would give if she were his wife, he would show her how she deserved to be treated. Even after 20 years, he was sure he would still put her above anything else in his life.
She opened her eyes to meet his glance. They stood really close to each other.
“No,” he finally said. “Not with you … not with me,” he added.
Shiver ran down her spine, she didn’t expect that response. He tucked strands of her hair behind her ears. Her heart pounded faster, she had invited him to her room for this. Now she thought, she was biting more than she could chew.
She always wondered how it would feel like to kiss another man, more than that, she always wondered how it would feel like to kiss Malcolm.
But he wasn’t going to kiss her. He looked into her eyes and let her take control of the moment. Whatever she decided, he was there to accommodate.
Catherine couldn’t believe how cool he was when her heart was drumming like it was going to jump out of her rib cage. She wilted under the softness of his stare, without a smile, he waited for her to make the move.
She touched his cheek with her trembling hand. Even when she had the chance to do it, with every reason to do it, she couldn’t. He wanted it to happen, she knew that, but why wasn’t he doing anything? She was quivering inside, and outside.
Her deepest desire to put her lips on his, let him undress her, swept her off her feet, lifted her to the bed and made sweet love to her, was burning inside her. It burned until it oozed out of her in a tear from the corner of her eye, she couldn’t make herself do it. She just couldn’t.
He took her hand on his cheek gently, took a deep breath and kissed her forehead. He wrapped his arms around her like a warm blanket that soothed her freezing body. She cried on his chest, his broad and strong chest, all her insides fell to pieces, and he was there to pick them all up and put her back together
“We don’t have to do this now … I’m not going anywhere,” his deep voice softly cradled her in his arms.
“I can’t … I thought I could do it … I want to …” she pulled away to look into his eyes.
“I know … I want it too … but not like this, not when you’re trembling like this … look at you …”
She burst out in a laugh between her tears, “I’m a mess.”
“You’re too good for this Cathy … when the right time comes, and it will … I’ll treat you right, we’ll make it right,” he hugged her again.
“You promise?”
“Oh I promise … I’ll show you all my moves and everythin’ … I wasn’t making any move back there, did you notice? ’cause I just know you don’t have it in you … I was thinking … she ain’t gonna do it.” He made her laugh.
She slapped his stomach, “Did you really think that? You really thought I couldn’t do it and you didn’t stop me sooner?”
“Not a chance … I just wanted to see how far you’d go … you’re not the type, girl, you’ve never been the type … that’s why I loved you then … and I still love you now,” he said.
It took her by surprise, she looked at him in wonder.
“I do … nothing’s changed Cathy, I thought after all those times … something must’ve changed, but …” he shook his head, bit his lower lip without taking his eyes off her.
Cathy hugged him again, really tight this time, like she didn’t want to let him go. The words couldn’t come out of her mouth, just as she couldn’t make her move before. But her embrace said it all.
He kissed the top of her head with a smile on his face. “I know,” he simply said.