This is shameful, but such shameful feelings have given me a feast for the carnival.
Hiding everyone in a kind of despair, this despair brings me a sense of pleasure. I spurn myself, deeply disgust myself, but there is no way, I am addicted to him.
I am holding James, but he doesn’t know my despair.
“What should I do?” I stare at the light above my head, yelling for help.
James’s hot eyes seem to burn me, I dare not look at him, I dare not let him know all the truth.
“Stay with me!” He captures me with affection, but I couldn’t say yes.
I hug him with all my strength, “I’m sorry.”
He gasps and asks, “Why?”
“Perhaps this is the most exciting.” I smile palely.
“We only have sex, and nothing is involved in it, only this is the happiest.” My fingers gently on his back, as if playing a sad piano song, I say in a loss, “That’s it.”
James looks at me puzzled.
I was annoyed that he flirted with other women the moment before, and at this moment I say that you and me are not relevant, and I feel that I am inexplicable, as if playing a trick.
James tightens his face, “Do you think I play with you?”
The loving feeling of sex is still there, but I have nothing but self-blame, self-loathing, and deep apologies.
“Sorry. I am sorry.” I wrap myself in a quilt.
For a long time do I hear James say, “What are you afraid of? I can’t understand you.”
As a result, we break up in unhappiness.
It’s all my fault. What did James do wrong?
At dawn, I will put on my mask and start living.
“Since I said you could find a man, you have been away from home every night.” Neil smokes on the sofa without raising his head, and there is a kind of despair in the room.
“I try to have a child. Don’t you want a child who can prove that you can have a child? You also need a child who can compete with Nash for a family property.” I say coldly.
Nash is his younger brother who fights with him every day. Is there a better successor to fight for the property?
“You’re laughing at me? Think I’m a disabled man, don’t you!” Neil shouts nervously at me. He seems to have a deep hatred towards me, and I hate that he vents everything on me.
I smile, but I am extremely arrogant, “Aren’t you just a disabled man? I look down on people like you!”
At this time, I am like a judge trying to sentence him, and deeply despise him.
“You bitch!” Neil grabs my hair and drags me into the bathroom.
“Dirty! Bitch!”
The cold water pours down all of a sudden. Neil’s big hand is holding my neck, and pours cold water into my mouth and nose.
I seem to be suffocating, the hot pain in my nasal cavity, and my body trembling coldly.
Neil’s face is saddened with a smile of sadism.
“Neil! Let go of me!” At this moment, my fear is unprecedented, and it seems that I am going to die here soon.
The sound of clapping water is mixed with my weaker cry for help, and finally disappears. I no longer struggle, willingly waiting for death to come.
Maybe death is the only relief.
I wake up in the tank, every joint on my body is hurting, and the cold water makes my body stiff and cold.
Actually, I don’t die.
Life is so bitter, why can’t I have some happiness? Neil is not my beloved, nor is he my husband! I don’t admit it!
I get up from the bathtub, and look at my wet body and feel that I am really stupid. Why should I give in for life?
I walk to the closet, find a clean dress, put it on, and immediately go out.
“James, I want to see you.” I send him a message, and the only thing I could think of at this time is James, the source of all my joy and happiness. I want to fall in love with him, not seeking results, not asking what will happen in the future, as long as I can have interesting hopes in my depressed life.
James quickly replies to me, and let me give him a positioning. He comes to pick me up.
I think I’m crazy. I stand there waiting for him with excitement, every factor in my body is clamoring, and a desire and hope suddenly rises up in my body.
If I see him, I must give him my warmest emotion and drown myself under him.
These thoughts are really crazy, but once they come forward, they can no longer be suppressed.