Lee looked tired that night as she watched him from the passenger seat. But more than that, he seemed distant. He was quiet apart from asking the usual stuff, his mind was somewhere else.
“Is everything okay?” she couldn’t help asking.
“Hmm? Yeah … why do you ask?” he kept his eyes on the road.
She grabbed his hand because he hadn’t held her at all that evening. “Nothing … you looked like you have things on your mind.”
He smiled and kissed her hand, and then he put her hand back to her lap. “I was worried you were going to cancel on me tonight.”
She laughed lightly, “Why would I do that?”
“Oh … you know, the party … everyone’s talking about it.”
“What party?”
Lee glanced at her and realized from her expression that she didn’t know what he was talking about. “The party at Marlon’s … you didn’t know?”
It was the first time she heard about it. She was stunned, speechless, surprised that Marlon never mentioned anything about having a party at his house. “No … he didn’t say anything about a party.” Above all the emotions she was feeling, she was mostly hurt but she tried not to show it in front of Lee.
“That’s … funny … I thought you were at his place yesterday? And you came home late for our phone call?” he added the last part because he was still annoyed by it.
“I’m sorry … I was talking to my mom and lost track of time … it wasn’t because I came late from Marlon’s house.”
Lee nodded, “Oh … what did you talk about?”
“You know … the usual … I told her about Joshua Reynolds coming to our school yesterday, you know how she’s a huge fan of his, right?”
“Yeah, must be exciting news for her … did you talk about Marlon?”
Hazel could sense jealousy in his voice, “Well … yeah, and you … and Max is coming home for the summer …”
Lee fell silent for a moment, “What did you say about me?”
She laughed, “You’re not suppose to know, you know? I told her that you’re leaving on the 5th and that you’re so busy with your dance lately … you hardly have any time for me.”
He raised his brows, “Really? I thought you were the one who was too busy … you spend more time at his house more than you spend time with me now … do you realize that?”
“Wait … are you jealous?” she asked playfully.
Lee looked at her for a second and turned back to his driving, “Am I not allowed to be jealous when my girlfriend is spending more time with another guy?”
She took his hand again, “You don’t have to be … because there’s nothing going on between me and Marlon … I’m not even invited to his party,” she laughed sarcastically.
Lee could hear the disappointment in her laugh. He didn’t even want to speculate why. “I don’t know …” he sighed. “You’re different.”
Hazel was surprised, “How?”
Lee was parking the car as they arrived at the studio. He didn’t answer the question. “Is Theo coming back for the summer as well?” he asked that instead.
She took a moment to answer, “Yeah …”
They looked at each other in silence. He said she was different. She felt he was different at that moment too. It seemed like everything was different and they couldn’t explain what it was.
Lee decided to leave it at that. He didn’t want to get into a sensitive discussion before his practice. The preparation for his camp was grueling and has taken up most of his time and energy, but Hazel had also taken the same amount of his sanity lately. Especially because of Marlon.
He loved her. She was his best friend and his girlfriend. Someone he felt connected to personally and romantically. He felt like he’d found someone to fill in that gap inside him ever since his mother died. As time grew closer to when he has to leave the one person that’s meant so much to him, he was starting to get cold feet, he was weighing his options. Lee knew he can’t afford to do that. It’s tearing him apart.
This girl that had captured his attention ever since he laid eyes on her, the girl he fell in love with and had spent the most amazing year he ever had. She was the light of his days, knowing she’s on the other side of the line every time he needed her gave him comfort and peace.
He glanced at her once in a while at practice. She sat there by the dance floor all smiles and it warmed his heart. How could he ever leave her and lose what they had together? Will she forget him as soon as he leaves and move on … with Marlon? He can’t let that thought eat him up inside, he knew it was time to have that talk with her. After practice.
“Hazy …” he called her in a soft voice as he pulled over by the park and turned off the car engine. “I think we need to talk.”
Her heart was racing as soon as the car stopped. She looked at him, she can see the thing that’s weighing on his mind was getting too heavy for him to handle. “Sure … what is it?”
“I can’t stop thinking about it … I think I’m going crazy …”
She knew what he meant. She felt the same way although she had been distracted lately, but it was always on her mind. She held his hand. “What do you want to talk about?” she had to ask though she was nervous as hell. She didn’t know how this conversation will go.
“What do you think will happen … after I leave?”
She felt a lump in her throat, it’s the same question that’s been looping in her brain since he told her he was leaving. She still couldn’t find the answer. “I don’t know,” her voice cracked.
“I’m starting to have doubts … about leaving … because … ” he was struggling with his words. “I don’t know how to leave you,” he was fighting back tears.
Her heart dropped to her stomach, “I don’t want you to go …” she finally said it.
He rubbed his face, “But I have to …”
She could see he was breaking inside, his face said it all. “I know … I’m sorry I said that … but it’s the truth … if it was up to me … I don’t want you to go …”
Lee let out a long sigh and threw himself back, “Please know that this is killing me too … but every time I think about what will happen after … I always think that you will be just fine, Hazy … maybe I won’t be fine … but you … ”
“How could you say that? Of course I won’t be fine … I’m losing my best friend … and my first love,” she almost choke on her words.
He fell silent for a moment, “I’m not your first love … we both know that … you are my first love though …” he said in a low voice but he didn’t want to mention the name. “But that’s besides the point … ”
“What did you mean by that? Why are you saying these things?”
He took a deep heavy breath, “I’m saying … I think we should start going our separate ways now, Hazy, with the time we have left … we can focus on what we will do next and maybe … maybe it won’t be so hard when the time comes …”
Hazel froze. For a moment she felt like she had stopped breathing. She never thought she would hear those words come out of Lee’s mouth. She was speculating on a lot of possibilities when the conversation started, but not that.
“Are you breaking up with me?” it was real after she had spoken the words.