‘Sandra, Hark said, if you agree to have surgery, there is 30% possibility that you can be cured! But you may lose some memory.” Jimmy was as happy as a child, with excitement beyond expression.
The last risk for her to take was to forget things. She had only the memory about Clinton. No matter how much she hated her for this, she knew absolutely clearly that she didn’t want to lose the memory about him.
When seeing her unhappiness, Jimmy knew what she was thinking about. He came up to hold her and said with consolation, ‘don’t get scared. We must try even though there is only 30% chance. When the surgery is done, I will help to remember each and every thing.”
She lifted her lips unwillingly. If it could be chosen, she would rather not to have the surgery.
Even if the surgery was successful, she couldn’t be with Clinton, but continue to live her life with the memory about him. Was it more heart-broken, or more difficult to accept?
‘Sandra, we shouldn’t miss this change. The longer we wait, the more risk we will face in the surgery. You shouldn’t be self-willed on this issue, should you?” Jimmy uttered word by word in hope that she could listen to him once.
Sandra looked at him earnestly. He was the one who was best to her besides her father. He did so much for her. How could she let him down?
‘Okay. But please help me to note down all my memories.”
Jimmy smiled heartily as soon as she agreed. He promised to help her without hesitation.
He had the paper and pen read and offered his effort to help her to write.
Sandra was blushed for a while and then said unnaturally, ‘I can do by myself.”
Jimmy didn’t let go of his hand holding the pen and said determinedly, ‘You dictate, and I can write faster.”
Sandra lowered her head and had no idea what to do. In her mind, she began to recall the things between her and Clinton. Some memories were in pieces, like those time of how they started and after their marriage.
‘Before when Clinton saw me, he was like seeing a rival. But only under one circumstance, he would exchange that look with some warmth in his eyes.”
Seeing the smile on her face, Jimmy couldn’t help asking ‘which circumstance?”
‘When I was cooking for him. At the beginning he would knock over everything I cooked and scold me. But there was one time that he ate the meal I prepared maybe out of hunger. From then on he never knock over my food any more. You have no idea how happy I was. I couldn’t sleep for whole night because of excitement.” She depicted vividly as if it happened just yesterday.
His hand holding the pen was shivering. He shouldn’t have volunteered to write for her. To listen to their past was a kind of torture to himself.
‘Yes, yes, I remember…” She was rushing to speak more, but suddenly she lost the track of what to say.
She patted her head annoyingly. Jimmy consoled her softly, ‘No rush, take it easy.”
Sandra tried to recollect her memory with eyes closed and eyebrows frowned. A slight smile on her mouth, she started softly, ‘one time I bought a big cake on his birthday and waited for him at home to celebrate. But later I heard he went together with his employee for celebration dinner. When I found him, he was drunk. He put his hand on my shoulder and said let’s go home, which I would never forget in my life.”
Her eyes were tearing up with all the past present in her eyes. She was too eager to cling onto them.
‘Were there moments he was not good to you?” Jimmy admitted that he was selfish. When the words were uttered, he regretted already.
‘Of course… he would get angry for trivial and then told me to fuck off, as if I did something wrong. He came home very late every night almost. He had piles of women out of our marriage, which I knew well, but I was not in the position to say anything because he was not in love with me. I led my daily life cautiously, and expected that he would just notice my existence someday until I knew I got brain cancer…” Sandra was deeply buried in the memories and couldn’t escape, until Jimmy interrupted her.
He felt even worse while listening to her heartache and helplessness.
He had been aware that Fu Sandra did everything for Clinton. But it pained him when he heard it by himself.