Joshua
I lie in the bed in the cell as I think of my beautiful Natasha. Even the memory of her lifts me from my darkened place. Her soft hair, her beautiful smile and dimples, the way she loved me and how much she hated horses. I smile at her hate of horses and then my face falls-my horses. I need to let Jasper go to a person who will love him as much as I do. It’s not fair that he be forgotten in all of this. My eyes flick around the depressing small cell, my new home. How do you adjust to this? I can’t. I can’t live here for the next thirty-one years. I’m supposed to be in Willowvale with Natasha and our children and my horses. It’s not meant to be like this-this was never how it was meant to end.
“Hey, are you awake Fuck Off?” I hear the young kid across the hall call out.
“No,” I reply flatly.
“Are you going to get out of bed today?” he asks.
“No,” I reply. Why bother?
“Come on. Why don’t you come to the gym?”
My eyes flick to him. “You saw what happened last time I went to the gym,” I reply. I got into a fight with three other men over nothing. I don’t even know how it started.
“Come on. It’s nearly the end of May. It’s been a week since your court case, and you need to start leaving your cell.”
I frown as I sit up in realisation. I was supposed to be getting married in three days. A deep sadness overtakes me as I remember Natasha’s wedding dress. She would have been such a beautiful bride. All I have ever wanted for as long as I can remember is to be with Natasha on our wedding day. I sit on the side of the bed and put my elbows on my knees and my head into my hands deep in thought. I want to see you again baby. How can I see you again? My dark eyes flick around the empty cement room I am in-this isn’t living. I would rather be in hell than here… or in heaven with my beautiful girl. My mind drifts off into a dark place where I imagine myself meeting up with Natasha. I need to be with her and there is only one way to do that.
I will be completely yours, Natasha, on our wedding day, in death as I was in life. I won’t let you be alone anymore… see you soon, presh… I’m coming, my love.
I stand and move to the bars of my cell. “Hey,” I call.
The young kid looks up surprised, smiles broadly and walks over to my cell.
My eyes meet his. “You know everyone in here. Can you get me something?” I ask.
“Like what?” he asks.
“Heroin,” I reply.
He frowns. “What do you want that shit for?” he frowns. “You’re not a junkie.”
I bite my lip as I think of the appropriate answer.
“I can transfer a million dollars today for you,” I reply.
His face drops. “You will transfer me a million dollars to get you some heroin?” he repeats. “How much do you want?”
I lift my chin defiantly.
“A lot.”
I sit at the window of the visiting room as I wait for Cameron and the door opens and his smiling face comes into view. A sense of calm sweeps over me and I smile in return.
“Hey mate,” he says softly into the phone.
“Hi,” I smile in return.
“You ok. What’s wrong?” Cameron asks.
I shake my head. “Nothing, why?”
He frowns. “You have never rung me and asked me to come down here to see you, so I thought something may have been wrong. I was coming down on Saturday.” He hesitates as his eyes hold mine.
“To visit me on my wedding day,” I reply.
He nods as he bites his bottom lip.
“Can you do something for me?” I ask.
He nods. “Sure.”
“Can you go and pick up my suit from the tailors please?”
He frowns. “Which one?”
“My wedding suit,” I reply.
His questioning eyes hold mine. “What do you need that for?” he asks as his mind ticks over.
I shrug. “I just want it.” I pause before I ask him the next question. “Can you pick up my wedding ring also?”
“Yeah ok. I will swing by next week,” he replies casually.
“No, now. Today,” I answer without thinking.
He frowns. “Josh, why do you need your wedding suit and your ring now?”
I bite my bottom lip as I think of the appropriate answer. “I just want them in the house before the wedding date, that’s all,” I reply. “If we don’t pick them up now I may never get them.”
He nods sadly as his eyes stay glued on mine.
Tears fills my eyes as I realise this is the last time I will see my beloved brother. We have glass between us and I can’t even hold him.
“Josh, we are going to get you out of here. You just need to hold on, ok? I promise you we are working as hard as we can and we have leads, new leads,” he pushes out in a panic.
I nod calmly.
“Can you look after our mother?” I ask. “And Adrian, can you watch over Adrian?”
He frowns. “Joshua, you can look after them. They need you. We all need you,” he whispers as his eyes glass over.
“I love you Cam,” I whisper through the lump in my throat. “I want you to know that.”
He puts his hand on the glass. “Josh, what are you thinking? You’re scaring me. Please don’t do anything stupid. You are down. It’s ok to be down. It’s just a very hard time. But hold on. We are going to get you out of here and then we can move to Willowvale and…” he pauses.
“What Cameron? What can we do? Carry on like none of this happened. Return to normalcy,” I sneer.
His tear-filled eyes hold mine.
“Natasha is dead and alone because of me. I failed to protect her when she needed me the most,” I reply in a whisper.
He shakes his head. “No, Natasha is with her father and she is watching what you do. She is still with you and I need you, Joshua. We all need you,” he pushes out in a rush.
I put my hand up against the glass to rest on his and smile sadly. I need to get out of here before I lose my shit. “Just pick the stuff up for me today, please.” I stand abruptly.
“Sit back down. I want to talk to you some more,” he pleads.