She smiles nervously and takes a seat, then she lifts up the telephone. “Hello Joshua,” she whispers.
“Hello,” I reply. My eyes hold hers. I’m so angry at her I can’t even articulate how I feel.
She twists the cord around her finger as her haunted eyes hold mine. “I miss you,” she whispers as her eyes tear up.
I swallow the lump in my throat. I miss her too. I nod sadly.
“Joshua, can you yell at me? Can you scream at me? Show me some kind of emotion. I can’t stand that you have just cut me off. Can we talk about it please?” she whispers.
I shake my head. “Just leave it, Mum,” I reply.
“Joshua please, my biggest fear was that I would lose you. And it’s come true, you’re gone.” She screws up her face as she tries to hold in her tears.
With my elbow on the desk I lean on my hand, and my eyes don’t leave her face.
“Joshua, I love you so much,” she whispers.
“People who love each other don’t tell lies,” I reply flatly.
She nods. “They do if they are scared for their life.”
My eyes stay fixed on her face.
Her tears run freely down her face.
“Was it really that bad?” I ask.
She nods and wipes a tear away. “It was worse than I can ever explain.” She frowns as she thinks. “The physical abuse was horrific… but the mental abuse and threats were much worse,” she whispers.
I don’t understand this woman at all. I shake my head. “I don’t understand. I will never understand why you wouldn’t tell your own husband about this. He loves you, he would have believed you.”
She shakes her head. “No, Joshua, he wouldn’t have believed me. My own sons didn’t believe me.”
My eyes hold hers.
“Joshua, my life has been hard, and I have made stupid, stupid choices.” She tears up again. “I have never known a love like the one you give to Natasha. Your father and I were different. He has always been distant.” She pauses before she speaks. “I was not his first love Joshua, and he has never recovered from her.” She rolls her lips as she thinks. “I could never measure up,” she whispers.
I frown, huh? “What are you talking about?” I snap.
She smiles. “I don’t blame your father. It was never his intention to make me feel insecure. The relationship with the other woman was before we met. His heart could never be mine because it was already taken.”
I look at the ceiling in frustration.
“Joshua, imagine if you and Natasha didn’t get back together and through circumstances you got another woman pregnant.”
My eyes hold hers.
“He did the right thing, he married me and he’s been miserable ever since.”
Pity fills me. “That’s not true,” I sigh.
She fakes a smile. “Isn’t it? He would only be home when you boys were awake. He would go out at night.”
I swallow as I think-that’s true. I remember it myself.
“And I don’t blame him, he was a good husband. He cared for me and our boys, we never wanted for anything. We made love once a week.” She hesitates and frowns. “But he was never really with me and I knew that and if I told him that his best friend was blackmailing me with sexual favours and beatings, I knew he would leave me and he would take you boys with him. I have no family, Joshua. I have close friends that know nothing about me. I’ve been living a lie for twenty-nine years, hiding the truth from even myself.” Her tear- filled eyes hold mine.
“Mum,” I whisper. “I would have stayed with you. If you gave me the chance to help you, I would have helped you.”
The tears drop onto her cheeks.
“Joshua, stay with me now, I need you now.” She puts her open hand onto the glass wall and I look at it. “I need you to forgive me. It’s the only thing in this world that matters to me.” She shakes her head as she cries. “I can’t contemplate a future without you in it.”
“What about Dad?” I ask.
“I love your father, I have always loved your father. He’s too good for me.” She shakes her head sadly.
I frown. “He’s not too good for you. This is the abused woman mentality that has you thinking like this. He is not too good for you. You deserve happiness.” I put my hand onto hers on the glass and she screws up her face in tears.
“I love you, Joshua,” she whispers.
My tear-filled eyes meet hers. “I love you too. It’s ok. I don’t want you to hurt anymore,” I whisper.
“But I am, because my son is in prison for a crime he didn’t commit. He has lost his love at the hands of another. How can I help you, Joshua. Tell what you need,” she sobs.
My eyes hold hers and the tears break the dam and run down my face. “Find me Natasha’s body-that’s all I want. I need to bring her home to bury her.”
Her tears match mine as they run down our faces.
“Joshua, where are Natasha’s diaries?” she asks.
I shake my head. “No, I’m not handing them over. Don’t ask me to.”
Her face drops. “So you do have them then? This will prove you’re innocent,” she whispers. “Natasha would not want you in prison like this. You need to be with your family. Please Joshua.”
I shake my head. “Her words die with me,” I whisper. “Her words die with me.”
Today’s verdict will be tomorrow’s headline and the look of anguish on Cameron’s face is unbearable. He has been with me blow by blow since Natasha went missing- they all have. Every member of our family have been behind me 100% and I couldn’t have asked for more. I’m so grateful for their unwavering support but I can’t put my family through this any longer. I just need this to be over. The details that they have brought up publicly about my past life have been unsavoury to say the least, my worst nightmare. Natasha’s mother and sister should never have had to listen to any of it let alone have to deal with it splashed all over the world news. The paparazzi presence in this courtroom today is overwhelming and I keep my eyes cast down so that they can’t get the shot of my face that they all so desperately want. Why is it that the perfect days in my life like the ones in Natasha’s arms flew by in the blink of an eye but the horrific final day of my court case is the slowest day in history? My mind goes back to the last interrogation I received at the hands of the prosecutor.