I flick through the next few books. They are so candid. She talks about everything from school to being grounded. She thinks she’s a geek and complains about being too smart. I smile broadly. I rat back through the box and find the one I am after: 2006. I pause before I open it, should I do this? Do I want to know what’s in her head? I close it and put it back in the box. No … I don’t. I get up and make myself a protein shake and sit at the kitchen bench while I think. Maybe I will just read the first one, the one where she and I first made love. I go back to the bedroom with renewed vigour and open the diary. I flick through till I get to the date I am after.
28/12/2006
Dear Diary
We swam today all day. I’m missing Bridget. I spent the day with Joshua and I’m sunburnt. Joshua is trying to teach me how to surf. I don’t really want to learn but it means I can spend time with him. He makes me happy, he makes me laugh.
I smile, I remember that day.
31/12/2006
Dear Diary
I spent the day with Joshua again. Something is wrong with me. I am having bad thoughts about him. I sit here on my deck chair and he is opposite me as we all sit around the campfire. He is drinking hot chocolate. I want to move my chair next to him. I can’t stop thinking about him, I think I like him. He makes me feel butterflies in my stomach. It’s new year’s eve and all I want is for him to kiss me at 12 o’clock. He keeps looking at me and I don’t know if I’m imagining it. I think I am going crazy. He’s my cousin.
I smile and turn the page.
2/1/2006
Joshua has not talked to me all day. I think he knows that I like him. God, I’m such an idiot. I want to go home, I’m embarrassed. I miss Bridget. She would know what to do.
I remember that day, I was confused and purposely kept my distance. I turn the page.
3/1/2006
OMG big news. I asked Joshua when we were in the water at the beach why he wasn’t talking to me and he told me because he wanted to kiss me and he was having bad thoughts. I couldn’t help it. I smiled and he splashed me and then tried to drown me.
I smirk to myself-did I really try to drown her?
4/1/2006
At the beach today I was sunbaking and Joshua was lying next to me. He asked me why I smiled yesterday and I didn’t know what to say. I should have lied but I couldn’t. I told him that I have been having bad thoughts too. He held my hand as we sunbaked. I loved today.
I smile broadly. I remember all of this. It was exactly the same for me.
5/1/2006
Today was the best day of my life. Joshua and I spent the day surfing and then tonight when we were washing up with Cameron in the kitchen Joshua kept looking at me differently. The last couple of days he has started doing this cracking the neck thing when his eyes drop down my body. It’s fucking hot. What does it mean? Cameron went back to the others and Joshua grabbed my face and rubbed his thumb over my lips. He kissed me, just gently. He told me that he wanted to know how I tasted and that he couldn’t help it. I grabbed him and kissed him properly. Like tongue kissed … kissed. He backed away and told me to go to bed because he shouldn’t be doing this. I told him I think about him when I go to bed. He closed his eyes and told me to stop but then he kissed me again. It was the best kiss ever. He’s so beautiful.
6/1/2006
Joshua came to wake me up this morning, he came into my tent and told me he has been thinking about me all night and hadn’t slept. I couldn’t help it, I made him lie next to me and we kissed for over an hour. I have never felt so … happy. He makes me feel special.
My eyes flick to the perfect woman lying beside me and I put my hand on her leg. “That’s because you are special precious girl,” I whisper as I lean and kiss her again and inhale her scent.
6/1/2006
I’m being bad, I can’t help it. I asked Joshua to come to me tonight when everyone has gone to bed. He said no. I’m an idiot. I am forcing myself onto him. I will not embarrass myself tomorrow. I will stay away from Joshua if it kills me.
My face drops, is that how she felt … because that’s how I felt.
7/1/2006
Joshua came to me last night. I woke up and he was in bed with me. It was perfect and … he was hard. We made out all night. I have never felt like this. The clothes stayed on but I wanted them off. I wish I was more experienced so I knew how to please him.
I frown as I read the last line, is she kidding? She was my every fucking wet dream come true, hot, smart, beautiful … innocent. How could she have thought that she didn’t please me? I put the book to the side and lie down next to her. I shouldn’t be reading this but I can’t help myself. I lean over her and kiss her gently on the lips.
“Presh … wake up baby. I want to see if you are ok.”
No response. I pick the book back up and continue reading.
10/1/2006
I love him.
I love him and I can’t have him. We laugh all day and make out all night. He is perfect, my every dream.
My face drops.
14/1/2006
Things have turned physical between us. Last night we were both completely naked together. Joshua is so patient and gentle with me … he is teaching me how to orgasm. I love him so much, I need him in my life.
16/1/2006
He wore me down.
I couldn’t help it. Joshua has been trying to go down on me all week and I haven’t wanted him to. I’m embarrassed. Tonight he took over and wouldn’t listen to me. OMG. HE IS AMAZING. I took him in my mouth too but he wouldn’t come in my mouth. He tasted perfect. I never thought sex would be as beautiful as this.
I smile broadly, this is exactly how I remember everything. I wouldn’t come in her mouth because I didn’t want her first head job to be traumatising. My face drops as I realise that thought. I loved her even then.
18/1/2006
I want it to be Joshua. I want to give my virginity to him so he will always know that I love him. I don’t know how to ask him, he may not want to sleep with his cousin. WHY ARE WE RELATED?
I close my eyes in pain, why are we related?
19/1/2006
Joshua and I made love last night. It was beautiful and it fucking hurt. I am no longer a virgin. I told him I loved him but he didn’t say it back … it hurt my feelings.
I put the book down and rub my face with both hands. I knew I fucking hurt her. I can still remember the feeling of her hanging on to me so tightly. Christ, why the fuck am I reading this shit? It’s messing with my head. She always tells me she loves me and I never fucking say it back. What’s wrong with me?
23/1/2006
Joshua and I cannot get enough of each other. We sneak away every chance we get. We can’t stop, I will never get enough of him. We are now making love at least four times a night, it doesn’t hurt any more … it feels good … amazing. I’m addicted to his touch … to his love. We only have two more weeks together. Joshua told me he has never been in love before but he thinks he loves me. I hope he does!
I smile and keep reading
23/1/2006
Joshua makes me laugh. We get each other’s jokes when no one else understands what we are talking about. Even without the sex he is my perfect man, tall, athletic, smart. He looks at me this way when he thinks I’m not watching and he cracks his neck. It’s the hottest thing I have ever seen … it means he is getting hard. Ready for me, my new favourite thing is going down on him. I love watching him come apart … so hot.
I rearrange the erection in my boxer shorts. Reading that she loved going down on me even back then is a major turn on. I can remember how much she used to love it … it’s burned into my brain. My eyes flick to her half-naked body sprawled out on the bed. Ohh, you’re going to cop it baby girl when you wake up. Hard, I need it hard. I stroke myself to try and stop the need. I bend and kiss her stomach gently and my cock hardens further. God, I want her.
I hear the front door open. “Hey, it’s me,” Cameron calls from the lounge room.
I jump nervously and throw the diaries back into the box and kick it under the bed. I bend and kiss her thigh and quickly wrap a towel around myself to hide my erection. I head out to see him.