I stop dead in my tracks, how does she know that? It turns my stomach to think she has only known me since I have been with Natasha and yet she has nailed me in one. Have I given Natasha a reason to be insecure? My mind flicks back to the wedding and how I handled my jealousy that night.
She leans over me and gently kisses the side of my face. “No one will know,” she whispers in my ear as she runs her hand down the side of my face.
I grab her hand midair. “I will know,” I sneer as my eyes lock on hers.
“It’s natural, Joshua, just go with it,” she purrs.
I frown at her. “I’m not the man you think I am, get out of this office or I am walking right now.”
She pulls back. “Joshua, don’t be like that. I am just being honest.”
I glare at her. “While we are being honest, I don’t play up on my wife. I am not that man anymore. Get out of my sight,” I shake my head in frustration.
She stands angrily. “We’ll see, you will be begging for sex any day now.”
Adrian comes to the door. “Is everything ok in here?” He looks around and frowns at the tension in the room.
I start to retype. “Adrian, can you please escort this trollop out of the office. I won’t be needing any further assistance from her.” My eyes flick to him.
He smiles broadly at me. “I’d love to.” He gives me a wink.
I sit in the quiet of the office and drink my coffee alone as I wait for the hard drive systems to back up half an hour later. My mind keeps rerunning over the conversation with Tatiana. One woman would never be able to satisfy you, you have a roving eye. The way that you looked at me this morning, the way you danced with me at the wedding. Is she right? Am I such an ingrained player that I don’t even know when I am doing it anymore? My mind goes to Natasha-have I made her feel insecure? That was never my intention, she had me completely. Up until half an hour ago I blamed her totally for our break up and now … I’m completely confused. I think back to the conversation in the car at Willowvale that I had with Natasha about Amelie. I hardly remember what was said and yet Tash knows the conversation word for word. Did I really say that I wasn’t with Amelie because of her? I thought it was obvious to everyone that I didn’t want Amelie … but then even Amelie thought I wanted her, so of course Tash would think that too. I put my head in my hands as I
try to think this through. The other night at dinner I watched Natasha cry and tell me that she loved me and yet I told her I only wanted sex from her. Of course she doubts me, I doubt myself. Why in the hell would I do that to her and then go home and cuddle her all night, in fact every night since. I put my head into my hands on the desk. I’m confused. I can’t be brought to my knees by her again. I break into a cold sweat just thinking of how dark those days were.
But then when I’m with her … she’s so perfect … we are perfect. She radiates this inner honesty but I don’t know if that is because I am so blinded by my feelings for her that I only see what I want to see. How could someone so gentle and loving break me three times and not care … but then … have I caused her to feel insecure and hurt?
Have I bought this hurt on myself?
Why in the hell did I let myself sleep with Amelie and then not tell Tash about it? And the money-was Amelie telling the truth about Natasha bringing up money in their argument?
I sit back in my chair and put the heels of my hands into my eye sockets.
“You ok in here?” Adrian stands at the door and smiles warmly.
I nod. “Can I ask you something Murph?”
“Sure.” He walks in and takes a seat next to me.
“Do you think I give off the vibe that I’m on the market?”
He smiles. “Yes, definitely.”
I frown. “If I was going out with you, would you be insecure?”
He smiles and raises his eyebrows. “Most definitely.”
I sit back in frustration and bite on my thumbnail. “Do you think that I honestly love Natasha?”
He smiles as he puts his hand on my shoulder. “Without a doubt. What’s going on?”
“Tatiana said that I give off a vibe that I’m a player and she knows that I could never be loyal to one woman. Do you believe that?”
He smiles warmly. “Josh, men play around till they meet the right person. Don’t beat yourself up because you have had fun for the last seven years. Why are you bringing this up now?”
“I just don’t understand why …” I shrug, unable to articulate what I want to say.
“Why Tash pushes you away?” he asks and I nod.
“Joshua, you are one of the most eligible bachelors in the world, good looking, built like a gorilla, rich as hell. And for someone like Natasha who is so quintessentially Australian and so down to earth, it would be hard to take on. I actually don’t know how I would handle it either. I think she does an amazing job at handling your life by refusing to give into it and it’s a learning curve for her as well I think. It’s the man you are from now on that counts.
You always say you want to be a loyal husband.”
I look at my computer screen and nod.
He pats me on the shoulder. “Tonight you did just that.” He smiles broadly.
I give him a sad smile and huff. “And I’m not even fucking married.”
He laughs out loud and I shake my head in disbelief.
My phone rings and I look at the screen, presh. I smile
“Hi Tash,” I answer. Adrian smiles and pats me on the shoulder as he leaves the room.
“Hi baby,” she breathes down the phone.
“I didn’t get to call you yet,” I smile into the silence of the office.
“That’s ok. Are you busy? Shall I let you go?” she breathes down the phone.
“No, all good. Are you at your Mum’s?” I ask.
“Ahuh.” The phone goes silent. “Thank you for worrying about me,” she whispers.
My heart melts. “That’s ok.” She can be so damn beautiful when she wants to be.
“What time are you finishing?” she asks.
I look at my watch. “About three I think.”
“Do you want to come over to Mum’s when you finish work and stay here with me? Mum said it would be ok.”
I frown. “Tash, I … don’t think.” She cuts me off.
“It’s just, I really wanted you to be the first person I see tomorrow.”
I melt again. “You won’t be awake then,” I whisper as I smile.
“Text me when you are on your way and I will open the door for you. I just want to see you.”
I melt again. Adorable. “Ok, I will text you when I’m close.”
“Ok, I love you.” I can hear that she’s smiling, she hangs up.
I blow out a breath and sit back in my seat. I put my hands behind my head as I think.
Decision time.
What’s it going to be Stan … Yes or No?
Beep, beep. My phone beeps a text. I roll over sleepily and pick up my phone from the side table.
Are you awake?
I smile sleepily and reply.
Yes
It bounces back again.
I’m ten minutes away.
I smile and text back.
K
I smile and lie down then start to doze. Another text comes through.