“Oh, you don’t like my silence now. What about when you never even bothered to say hi to me?” The words that had been grounded in my heart for days finally came out. “You ignored me, Brandon. I was always there with you like you asked, but you never even bothered to say a word to me, you can talk to everyone, even your ex who left you alone with Marline but you can’t talk to me,” Brandon went silent for a moment, his eyes scanning me silently. “Just because I didn’t share the same feeling as you, you forgot everything. Our friendship, our bond, everything….” I said, with a sigh.
“You don’t know how hard it is for me to forget everything. Do you think I enjoy being like this alone? No… It’s just I can’t help myself. I can’t forget everything. It hurts Brandon. Whenever the thought of loving someone comes to mind, I feel as if I’m cheating not only on myself but on you, too.” My eyes started streaming in between words. “You’re too good Brandon, and I’m broken I don’t even what I want in my life, I don’t want you to be with someone like me who has no life, I’m just a hollow body with no soul, who is living but dead inside and I don’t want you to be with someone like me.” What is wrong with me, how did all the emotions that were buried deep down in my heart come out like these in front of Brandon why? And that’s not all. I couldn’t even control my emotions. My eyes are streaming like a waterfall nonstop.
How many more tears can my body release? No, I can’t act so weak, not like that. I turned, wanting to leave, hiding myself from myself, from Brandon, and from everyone as fast as I could. But.. before I could leave, my arms wrapped around my body holding me, “Jane,” I looked up at Brandon’s face, which shows the care that he has for me.
I tried to hide myself by bottling my emotions all this time, but now I feel naked as all my emotions are openly displayed to Brandon. He has seen me weak before, seen me crying too, but I was never so hopelessly broken as I feel right now. I feel just as helpless as before, when the accident happened, with no power to stop it or change it, other than mourning for my loss.
I don’t even know how much time has passed, but Brandon hasn’t left my side. His arms were still wrapped around me, his words consoling me. The tears in my eyes seem to be drying, but the emptiness in my heart is still plugged into its place. Brandon separated himself from me as tears seemed to stop. “Jane, Marine, just came to say goodbye one last time. She is leaving, forever.”
“What do you mean?” I questioned. Brandon wiped the tears from my eyes with the back of his thumb.
“There is nothing between us and never will be.” I didn’t know what to say, so I kept quiet, hiding my gaze from him. “You might not feel the same as I do for you, but since the moment you entered my life, there is only one woman for me and that’s you…, You might not love me…,” I looked up watching his face, “Who said I don’t feel the same about you,” Brandon looked startled hearing my words, “I love you Brandon…, and it’s just… I’m scared,”
“I’m scared too__ of the future. Scared of losing you, my kids…. I don’t even know how I survived… It all seems like a miracle… like…, I don’t know. But that doesn’t change anything. I don’t want to ruin my today because of thoughts of my future.” Brandon said, smiling sadly, holding my hands.
I shook my head, “I once lost everything and everyone in life… I’m just afraid that if things repeat themselves…. you barely survived a terminal disease,”
“Jane…, look at me,” Brandon placed his hand on my chin, lifting my face gently, staring deeply into my eyes. “Do you love me…?” I nodded.
“Can I ask you a question? What if five years ago someone came to you to say that you’d love someone who is Jared? Would you believe them?” I shook my head at his question.
“But now, after five years, the future is so different from what you or anyone could have ever imagined,” I nodded. “Jane, we can’t decide or know what the future holds for or what our future will be, but we still hope and build our future in our imagination. Life is not permanent, people come, people go and all we are left is with memories. Living in the moment is what life is.”
Each and every word of Brandon is correct. I can’t imagine my life without Jared, but now is not with me, and I can’t let the scars of the past or the fear of the future destroy my present, and my present is with me now.
“So…” Brandon was about to say something but I stopped his words by brushing my lips with his, “Shut up and kiss me,” I said, continuing to kiss him deeply and passionately. “My words work so well,” Brandon said in between the kisses.
I nodded my head with a smirk, holding him tightly with my right hand, holding his back, and my left caressing his hair. The kiss continued. I don’t even remember the last time I felt like this and I loved every second of it.
“Jane, even though I want to kiss you for hours,” he said, breathing heavily. “But I don’t know if my body has the energy to contain more,”
Oh shit, what kind of human I am? Brandon is still recovering and too much movement is not good for him. “Sorry, you need anything __ water…,” Brandon shook his head, “Just you by my side, always,”
I smiled, wrapping my body in the warmth of his arms. “Always,”
********
Life is not always what we want it to be. Everyone that is born has to die once. This is the reality of anyone who is born. It could be me or, in my case, my whole family.
Sometimes we have to learn to let go and learn to look at what is close to us rather than what is gone.
With Jared and all my family gone, I was as hopeless as one can be, thinking about what I was going through, no one can say that I was most hurt. I’m the one who lost everyone. But I was wrong. Every person has a story of their own, suffering of their own, a story that they might not want to share. It’s just that they learned to live through it, like me.
There were many reasons for me to be happy in life, yet I chose to be sad. I was fortunate enough to have Liam, Marlene, and a very good number of people in my life that sincerely cared for my well-being. Someone like Brandon, who has always been by my side from day one, yet he asked for nothing in return. But I neglected them all, choosing to live in the past.
In just a few years, many things changed in my life, and in me, the Jane that once was a daughter, and lover, is now a mother and a wife.
Sometimes you fight and show your love if you feel you have found the right person. Because sometimes, we only realize how important the person we love is when they are no longer by our side.