Jane
The night of Liam’s birth was the second worst nightmare of my life. I don’t know, but if anything bad happened that day, I would have been alive by now. He was the only family left for me.
When Brandon told me he had to do a C-section to save Liam, I considered myself so helpless and distressed, like I couldn’t even do anything to protect my child. I felt worthless as a mother, as the memories of the accident shook my mind; the accident that caused the death of all my family members and Jared. Taking them very far away from me, so far that there is no return.
But thankfully nothing bad happened that day. It was a hard delivery, with the umbilical cord being wrapped around Liam’s neck. It was very hard for anyone to save Liam, but with Brandon’s fast decision and precise moment, he could save Liam. The birth of a baby is something that no woman can forget, but for me, it was bittersweet. I was happy yet sad, sad about being all alone in the world, sad that my baby would have no one but me in his life, and happy that, despite all the difficulties, he was brave enough to survive, presenting me with the best present of life.
The memories are still fresh, like tomorrow in my mind; when I woke up and started crying, not being able to find my baby close to me. But that’s when Brandon came and showed me; my baby Liam was resting in an incubator, with his eyes closed, but his chest was rising and falling slowly as he breathed, calming my senses.
Seeing Liam that day made me forget all my miseries as if I found an extra reason to live to be happy again with Liam, my baby by my side,
“Jane,” I heard someone calling my name, distracting me from my thoughts as I felt a hand over my shoulder.
I glanced up to see the origin of the voice. “What are you doing standing up here?” Brandon questioned.
“Nothing. Where are the kids?” I stated, redirecting his attention to somewhere else.
“They went to play in Liam’s room. Didn’t you notice?”
“What were you thinking, standing up here for so long?” Brandon asked.
“Nothing,” I stated,
“Well, there must be something on your mind that kept you so occupied that you didn’t notice Liam entering the room,” he said as he raised his left eyebrow in question.
“Okay, fine, I’ll tell you, just stop giving me that look.”
“What look?” he asked, puzzled by my comment.
“That, I know you’re hiding something, look,” I said, mimicking his actions.
He laughed soundly, looking at me. “If you know me so well, then tell me what you were thinking so profoundly out here alone,” he asked, this time with a stern face.
“Nothing much, just thinking about the day when Liam was born, and how, on that day, I felt helpless as a mother who couldn’t even do anything to save her own child’s life. It’s just…”
“Jane, you’re not helpless, and you do a great job as a mother and Liam is lucky that he got you as his mother, who loved and cherished him, more than her own life,” Brandon said, disrupting me while talking.
Brandon’s words made my heart swell as tears started dripping from my eyes. “Thank you… it’s all because of you that Liam is here with me today. Healthy and well,”
“Hey, stop crying, you don’t look good when you cry, and I did what I should do as a doctor and as your friend, and…”
“Thank you,” I said, stopping him in between words, wrapping my arms around him, and giving him a friendly hug. “For always being here for me and Liam, for supporting us as a good friend, and a family member, that I probably don’t have,” I stated, with my voice full of emotions.
“Jane,” Brandon spoke after a few moments. “Please, don’t rub your snot over my sweater. It’s brand new.”
“What!” I separated myself from him and glared at him. “Do you think of me as a five-year-old child?” I said.
“Hey, don’t give me this kind of look. I’m simply just trying to change the climate in this place.” He responded to my remarks. “But the sweater is new.”
“You,” I said, with my arms crossed over my chest.
“I go check on the kids,” Brandon replied before leaving the place swiftly.
I giggled alone. Brandon is annoying, but he is someone I can lean on whenever in trouble, and being a single parent like me strengthens our bond.
“Jane,” Brandon called my name again.
“Yes,” I replied to his words. Only to see him carrying Liam and Marlene both in his arms, swaying and playing with both, making them laugh.
“I’m just asking if you would like to go to the restaurant for lunch?” he said, reclining on the couch with the kids on top of his body. And Liam and Marlene both started tickling him, demanding Brandon to swing them in his arms again.
“Jane, please save me from these monkeys.” He said helplessly, as the kids wouldn’t stop tickling the hell out of him.
“No,”
“That’s how you treat your friend,” Brandon complained.
I smiled at his silly warning, leaving him alone with the kids. “Bye..,”
*******
The sun goes down as the moon takes its place. The stars scattered in the sky covering it, as it twinkles like a diamond in the sky.
Lying on the bed, looking at the sky through the window, watching as stars twinkle and shine, the view is always fascinating to the young minds of the children, as they continuously stare at it silently.
“Mama,” Liam calls, watching the sky with fascination. “Why can we only see stars at night and not in the morning?” With Liam’s age, his curiosity is growing too and his mind is full of questions, always looking at me to answer his questions.
“Because Liam, in the morning, the light of the sun fades away in the twinkling of stars. That’s why we can’t only see stars at night,” I replied, caressing his hair.
“But then why sometimes we can’t see stars at night, even when it’s dark outside,” Marlene asks, who is lying beside Liam on his bed. Today she is staying with us; Brandon got an urgent call from the hospital. So tonight, as with some of her many nights, she’s staying with us.
“Sometimes there are clouds that cover the sky, blocking us from seeing stars, even in darkness,” I replied, caressing her hair, too.
She nodded her head, but the appearance on her face shows she has more questions than she wants answers to.
“But…,”
“Why don’t you and Liam sleep? It’s already past your bedtime. You can ask me anything tomorrow,” I said, cutting her in mid-sentence and changing the subject.
“Will Daddy be coming soon?” Marlene asks as Liam snuggles closer to my body.
“Daddy will be home soon,” I said, snuggling her closer in my arms with Liam. And Liam puts his hands over her hands, smiling at her.
I smiled, watching both of them; it was cute to see how well they both bonded with each other. Moments passed, and they both went quiet, with both their chests rising and falling gently, sleeping, snuggling close to my body.
I dared not change my position, not wanting to disturb the sleep of the light sleepers. With my head lying on the pillow and my arms wrapped around the kids, caressing their hair gently. These are some rare moments where I can just be me with my family, And Marlene is also a part of this. She might not be my daughter, but I consider her no less than mine. I love her as much as I love Liam. I don’t know, but maybe Brandon feels the same about Liam, too.
My eyes stared at the ceiling in Liam’s room vacantly with my mind engaged. Over the past five years, my life has changed so much, but what has not changed is me. I’m the same person who I was on the day of my wedding. I feel the same mourning bride, daughter, and sister that I was five years ago.
Some may think that being a mother changed me and made me strong, but it is me who knows the truth that I hide beneath. The girl who once had a happy family and was loved by everyone is now left alone.
Sometimes I wish I was in the same car as them. But then I looked at Liam. I don’t know what I would do if he was not there with me, even as a child. He has given me hope to live, even after losing everyone in my life, all at once.
But Liam has the same fate as me. He too has no one but me in his life, and we both have each other. The thought terrifies me. What if someday something happens to me, and then who will take care of Liam? He has no one to look after, other than me, no grandparents, no uncle or aunt, no one. These sorts of thoughts scare the shit out of me. I want the best for my baby, even after my death. I don’t want him to be like me alone, a person with no one in his life, but how? The question that lies in my head every time, and every time there seems no answer to the question, every time.