She lies silent behind me. I can hear her thinking. “Why are you not strong enough to go back to him?” she whispers.
“I can’t explain it, Mum. I don’t know if it’s the fact that Dad has died or my own mind playing tricks on me.”
“What do you mean?”
I swallow as I contemplate whether to tell her or not. “Since Dad’s death I have been having horrible nightmares about Joshua being murdered in front of me.”
“What!” she whispers.
I nod. “I have them at least four times a week and I know it’s the reason I have been having these migraine headaches. I’m so stressed about going to sleep that I am wound up all the time.
“Tash, why haven’t you told me this?”
“Mum,” I start to silently cry, “haven’t I worried you enough? I killed your husband for Pete’s sake. I blame myself for your grief, for all our grief and I can’t forgive myself. No matter how hard I try. I’m so terrified that I am going to lose Joshua to death that I dream about it, it’s not normal. I have been seeing a psychologist at work and she feels that I need to get stronger before I can give myself totally to someone who I don’t trust.”
“Natasha, that’s enough. I won’t have you saying that you killed your father. It was a terrible accident, he had an undiagnosed heart problem and it was just bad timing that it happened when it did.”
“I know,” I whisper unconvinced.
“Do you think you can’t trust Joshua?”
I shake my head. “Mum, Joshua loves me. I know that, but on some level he also loves Amelie and I don’t blame him for that. She’s beautiful and sweet and they have a connection. If he had slept with someone else I would have been upset but I would have understood. I know I left him, but I was grief stricken. If he had been honest and told me that he slept with her before he slept with me, I maybe would have been able to handle it better. He thought I would never have found out and he was just going to lie to me forever. I was in the same room with her and she knew he hadn’t told me that he had slept with her just three days before. I’m ashamed to be so stupid. I thought I would have been able to tell if he was hiding something and I didn’t have a frigging clue. I was totally blindsided,” I whisper in a rush.
“Tash, I don’t think he would be here if he wanted Amelie.”
I nod my head. “Yes he would, Mum, he feels obligated to make me happy.”
She frowns. “Why do you keep saying that? It doesn’t make sense.”
I stay silent as I think. “I never told you this before but I have never slept with anyone else but Joshua.”
She frowns. “What about Christopher?”
I shake my head. “No.”
“Tash baby.” She pulls me into an embrace and cuddles me tightly. “Is that why you think Joshua wants to be with you, because he owes you?”
I nod as I cry into her chest.
“Tash, tell me what you want to do. How can I help you through this? I don’t know what to do,” she sighs empathetically.
I wipe my tears away. “I want to let Joshua go and hopefully, in time he will decide that it is me that he loves and he will come back for me and we will live happily ever after. If I go with him now I will never know if, given the chance, he would have married Amelie.”
“Tash …you might lose him. This could backfire,” she whispers.
I nod. “I know, but if I do he wasn’t mine in the first place … was he?”
“What will you do?” she asks.
I give her a sad smile. “Try to work on myself. Stop being so insecure, stop having nightmares. Mum if I go with Joshua now, I am just so insecure we will break up in two months anyway. I don’t like who I have turned into and in all honesty if I go with him and he does decide he wants her … I don’t think I would survive it. I’m so weak.”
She holds me tight. “Don’t say that love, I don’t like you speaking like that.”
“I am only doing this so that Joshua and I can have a real hope of a future together. I need to know that our love is real and not just a teenage tragic love story that ends in divorce in two years.”
“Can you tell Joshua this? When you put it like this, it makes sense Natasha. Make him understand why you are doing this,” she pleads.
Tears fall again. “I can’t Mum, he needs to think that he is free to go to her if that is what he wants. If he knows I still want him, he’s not really free is he?” I sob.
“Oh baby. Why are you such a deep thinker? Why are you sacrificing your happiness for his?” she whispers into my hair.
I break into sobs. “Because I fear that is what he is doing for me and I love him too deeply to let him do it.”
“Tash … he doesn’t understand why you are doing this. He thinks this is about him sleeping with Amelie.”
I nod. “I know-it’s not. That was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.”
She kisses my forehead and brushes my hair back again.
“Do you believe in fate Mum?” I question.
She nods as her eyes well with tears. “Yes,” she whispers.
“Me too. If Joshua is the man I am meant to be with, then we will eventually work it out. I just pray to god that he comes back to me and I learn to trust him and build some faith in myself,” I whisper.
“Natasha … my beautiful brave girl. If he has any brains in that pretty head of his … he will never let you go.” She smiles sadly as she kisses my forehead.
I nod my head. “I need him to let me go. Every time I have to hurt him I die a little inside. I’m not wired to hurt him, I can’t physically do it.”
“Tash, I still think you should talk to him. Arrange to meet up in twelve months, and tell him you love him.”
A weight of sadness sits heavily on my shoulders. “No. And don’t tell a soul about this conversation. At this point I can’t even trust the girls because I know they will tell Joshua or Cameron and then he won’t go. I’m setting him free. I want an unencumbered future with him, one where I am strong and confident and know for certain that he is with me for the woman I am now and not the girl he fell in love with seven years ago.”
Max walks up the hall and stands in the semi-lit doorway. “You finally wake up sleepyhead?” He smirks.
I smile broadly. “What? Did you miss me or something?” I tease.
He tutts. “Yeah, like a hole in the head.” He winks, turns and walks back up the hall. “Promise me something, Tash.” I nod.
“If Joshua turns up here you will be honest with him.”
My stomach drops. “He won’t. I know he won’t. He would be beyond mortified that his staff and brother saw him in tears the other day. His pride will keep him away.” I sigh sadly.
“Does that bother you?” she asks.
I shrug my shoulders as I contemplate her question. “That’s Joshua, he’s a proud man. He won’t beg again, I know that. His upset will turn to anger soon and he will return to LA.” My eyes tear up at the painful thought.
“Please go to him, Tash,” Mum whispers.
I shake my head. “We just talked about this. I told you what I am doing. I am not giving up on us. I am just putting it on the backburner for a while.”
She shakes her head. “You are going to lose him,” she sighs
I pull my eyes away from hers in anger. “Like I said, if I do, he was never mine to start with.”