The drive home is awkward. I am deep in thought about how I can prolong our visit and I have no idea what’s running through his mind. Twice though, he cracks his neck. So that’s a good sign. He pulls up at my house and turns off his car but he seems nervous. I’m nervous-can I do this?
“Do you want to come up for coffee?” I grab his hand. I internally kick myself. Coffee, we just had frigging coffee. What a lame thing to say. He looks down at our entwined fingers as he swallows and I can almost hear his brain ticking.
“It’s not a good idea, presh.” The sound of him calling me presh which is short for precious, his pet name for me, opens a wound in my chest that I can’t deny. I nod, unable to speak. I can feel the tears forming. I don’t want to say goodbye. What’s going on with me? I’m acting like a lovesick fifteen–year–old. My eyes cloud over and I go to quickly get out of the car before he sees. Too late, he grabs me by the arm.
“What’s wrong?” he whispers. I shake my head, the lump in my throat blocking my vocals.
“Tash, talk to me.”
“I don’t want to say goodbye, Josh.” His eyes drop. “We can’t even be friends, can we?” I ask.
“We can be friends, Tash. It just can’t be like it was with us.”
“I know,” I whisper. I get out of the car and turn and give him a wave. “Thanks for taking me shopping,” I smile. He nods but doesn’t say anything. I head into the building and take the stairs. I need to clear my brain. I feel so needy. This is unlike me. I walk into my apartment, head for my bedroom and flop onto the bed. Hot tears are wetting my cheeks and I don’t even know why. That’s a lie. I do. I want him to want me as much as I want him. I head to my therapy of choice and have a steaming hot shower. I sit on the bottom of the shower feeling sorry for myself, like I have done thousands of times before. The tears have stopped finally. I’m in there so long the room is full of steam. I stand up and open the door so I can turn the fan on. I’m hit with the visual of Joshua leaning up against the wall in the bathroom. How long has he been there watching me? Did he hear me cry? His eyes search mine for the second time today and my breath catches.
I stagger back at the sight of him. Shit. He’s standing with his hands linked on top of his head. His eyes are cast down, and he is leaning against the wall.
“Josh,” I whisper. “What are you doing here?” He looks at me and shakes his head, unable to answer. “Baby, answer me.”
“Stop calling me that,” he snaps.
“No, I told you I won’t.”
He swallows and looks down again. It is then I notice I am totally naked. I quickly grab a towel from the rail and wrap it around me. He stills looks down and his hands are still on top of his head, as if he is trying not to touch me, trying to restrain himself. The room is filled with steam, I am dripping wet in a towel and the man I am beyond physically attracted to is looking at the floor rather than at me. What’s wrong with this picture?
“Josh, answer me,” I repeat.
His eyes meet mine with a sadness in them that nearly breaks my heart. His hands are still linked on top of his head. “I’m not strong enough, I can’t do it,” he whispers.
“Strong enough for what?” I frown.
“To not want you.” He closes his eyes as if in pain.
“Baby,” I whisper as I wrap my arms around him. “I want you to want me.”
“No, Natasha,” he pushes me away. “I can’t do this.”
“Josh, talk to me. What’s going on?”
He shakes his head.
‘Why did you do it?”
“What do you mean, Josh?”
“Why did you leave me before you even gave me a chance?”
That’s what all this anger is about? I smile.
“You find this funny?” he snaps. “I knew this was a waste of time.” He turns to walk out of the room.
“Josh, no.” I am suddenly panicked. “I didn’t do anything but save you from yourself.”
He frowns at me. “What do you mean?”
“Josh, you weren’t thinking straight. You were going to ‘fess up to our parents.” He frowns again. “I was young and you were my older cousin.” He shakes his head as he listens. “Josh, if my father found out he would have killed you-he would have thought that you forced me.”
He steps back, shocked at my insinuations. “It wasn’t like that,” he whispers as his face drops.
“I know, but that’s how it would have looked. I had to do it.”
His anger reignites. “You had to conveniently sleep with someone else to save me? Do you think I’m that stupid?” he yells.
I step back. “No, Josh, I lied to save you.” He frowns again. “I lied. I would never sleep with anyone else, Josh.”
He narrows his eyes at me. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I can feel those uncontrollable frigging tears appearing once again.
“How could you, Josh?” I choke out past the lump in my throat.
“Do what?”
“How could you think I actually slept with someone else? I was totally in love with you. It broke my fucking heart, Josh, and you believed it. Just like that you believed it.”
“It came from your mouth,” he points at me. “You are the one who said it. Let me see, it went like this. Have you slept with him? And you replied yes!” he yells.