He looks around at the piles of boxes everywhere. “Damn, moving is a bitch, huh?”
“Don’t I know it.” I sigh. I’m going straight to bed after he leaves, but I’m not telling him that. I’ll at least pretend that I’m motivated and going to put shit away with Callie. After my escapades at the gym last night I hardly slept a wink, I’m absolutely exhausted.
Callie had a wedding on tonight, and Rourke got called into work, so it’s just me here in my new apartment. Something Peter doesn’t need to know.
I walk to the door to give him the hint. “See you later.” I smile as I open it.
“Bye.” He sighs.
“Thanks so much.” I kiss him quickly, nearly pushing him out the door before I close it behind him and sigh in relief.
I look around my new apartment and smile. It has a really good, homey feel about it. It’s a little old, but it has polished timber floors, big windows, and lots of natural light. There are two bedrooms, a big kitchen, and a brand new bathroom for me to swoon over.
I love it. It really feels like a new beginning for me.
My phone rings. I glance over, see the name, and I scramble to answer it.
“Hello.”
“Hey, Tull,” Simon says, sounding happy. I close my eyes at the sound of his voice. “How are you?” he asks.
“Good,” I reply in a clipped tone. “I called you the other night.”
“Yeah, sorry. I was at work and missed your call.”
I narrow my eyes. “When did we start lying to each other?” I reply flatly.
He stays silent.
“I saw you, Simon.” I pause for a moment, wondering if it is a good idea to talk about this over the phone. “Who is she?”
Silence….
I close my eyes, the hurt rising in my chest.
“She’s nobody, Tull.”
I look up at the ceiling. “She sure looked like a somebody.”
“You wanted this break.”
“To travel,” I hit back. God, if only he knew what I’d been doing. Oh, that’s right, I don’t want to fucking know it myself.
“So, I’m supposed to just sit here and wait for you to decide if you’re coming back,” he asks, annoyed.
“I am coming back.” I pause. “Was coming back,” I add.
“You are fucking coming back, Tully. Don’t give me your shit and say you were coming back now.”
I stay silent.
“Tull.” Simon pauses on the phone. “I love you. Being with other people just makes me appreciate what we have so much more.”
I feel the lump rise in my throat again. Other people? How many have there been?
“Do you know how much it hurt last night when I saw you look at your phone and put it back in your pocket, and then put your arm around her?” I whisper, holding back my tears.
“Tully,” he whispers. “Baby, don’t.”
“Don’t what, Simon? Don’t be upset that you’re fucking other women.”
I screw my face shut as pain lances through my heart. He’s slept with someone else. I’ve turned into a dirty whore. What have we become?
The innocence between us will never be the same again.
This is my worst fucking nightmare.
“You wanted a break.” He hesitates for a moment. “I hope you’re experiencing new things, too. It was just one night. I’ll never see her again.”
“N-new things,” I stammer. “Having sex with other people is new things?”
“Stop it. Stop with the fucking mind games, Tully. You wanted a break. You got it. In four months, you come back to me with this fucking shit out of your system, okay?”
I stay silent.
“Because I love you and I still want to marry you.”
I listen, waiting, unable to speak.
“Okay?” he whispers.
I feel a little mollified, but I can’t help myself. I have to ask. “Do you care about her?”
“No. Not like that, anyway.”
“Are you sure?” I whisper as I look around my apartment.
“You’re the girl I love. You’re the girl I’m going to marry, I already know that. There isn’t a doubt in my mind.”
I smile softly, my hope returning.
“Get it out of your system, Tull.” He sighs.
Trust me, it is well and truly out of my system. In fact, the system is completely fucked up. I frown. “Is that what you’re doing?” I ask.
“Yes.”
I listen, unsure if I want to hear this, but who am I to judge after what I’ve just done?
“So that when you come back to me, I can be the best damn husband you ever dreamt of.”
My eyes cloud over and relief fills me. I really needed to hear that. “I miss you,” I whisper.
“I miss you, too. Do you love me?” he asks.
I nod and wipe a stray tear away. “Yes, I love you. Don’t ignore my fucking calls again or I’ll lose my shit.”
He chuckles. “I promise, I won’t, but I mean it, Tull. My time in Melbourne finishes in three months and then I’ll be back. Don’t make this break we’ve had be in vain.”
Fear fills me. “What if we don’t find our way back to each other, Simon?”
“We will.” He pauses for a moment. “I promise, we will. A love like ours will never die and you know that.”
“Why do you have to be so reasonable all the damn time?” I sigh.
“I don’t know.” He pauses, and I can tell he’s smiling. “This wise woman I’m in love with gave me this pep talk eight months ago. I think she may have been onto something.”
“That woman was an idiot to ever let you go.” I smile softly.
“She didn’t let me go. She still has me.”
My eyes fill with even more tears. “Let’s just get back together now, Si.”
“No. We have to do what we said we would. I’m going now,” he says.
“Why?” Should I tell him what I’ve done? No, I can’t. I can’t ever tell him about Brock.
“Because, Tully. You wanted this break and I’m giving it to you.”
“D-don’t go,” I stammer, suddenly panicked. I want to hold onto him for a bit longer.
“Tully.” He sighs. “Go and have fun.”
I frown. “Do you ever think about me?” I ask hopefully.
“All the fucking time.”
“I love you.”
“I love you, too. Goodbye.” The phone clicks and he’s gone.
It’s 9:00 p. m. and I’m lying in my bed in my new bedroom. I can’t find my sheets but I don’t give a fuck. I’m too tired for this shit. I’m in my sleeping bag.
My mind keeps going over and over my conversation with Simon, as well as the woman he was with.
He said he doesn’t have feelings for her and I can honestly say that I can relate to that detachment.
I get a vision of Brock. I hate that he affects me so much. Every time I think of him- which was every time I moved today and felt where he had been-I feel sad.
Sad that we met the way we did. Sad that he’s wired the way he is.
And really sad that I had so little respect for myself that I just handed myself over to him.
I never thought a man who I didn’t know and who didn’t care about me could talk me into something so easily.
I’m weak.
Forever tainted.