My mind goes to the image of Giuliano in the movie.
Like a sick and twisted stalker, I’ve watched it over and over this morning. The sheen on his skin, the lust in his eyes. The expression on his face as she bares her teeth as he reaches climax.
The deep ache to have him come inside of me.
Just once….
Stop it.
Just fucking stop it.
Why am I thinking such destructive thoughts?
I’ll have a perfectly wonderful life with Marcel, we will be happy and I’ll be fulfilled, and everything will be okay…except for one small detail.
He’ll never be him.
I sip my wine as I stare into space, miles away.
There’s one thing I know for sure.
Secrets are hard to keep.
Anna has asked me if I watched the Pornhub video, I told her it wasn’t Giuliano.
So that’s not actually a secret, it’s an outright lie.
And every time over the last two days that Marcel has asked me what’s wrong, I tell him that I’m thinking about work.
Not picturing my own brother naked.
I’m disgusting.
I need to get over this, I will not allow myself to think of Giuliano Ferrara one more time.
He’s no good…and I’m no good when I…I get a lump in my throat as emotion overtakes me.
Just once.
No.
“Surprise,” Anna’s voice calls.
My eyes dart to the foyer as I see Anna dance in. “What are you doing here?” I frown.
“I asked her to come to dinner with us tonight,” Marcel says as he steps forward. “Actually, I asked everyone to come.” I look around to my two brothers, my mother and Anna who are all standing around, actually, why is everyone in town tonight? My eyes go back to Marcel to see him down on one knee.
Oh no.
He opens a ring box. “Francesca, will you marry me?”
The air leaves my lungs.
“Well?” He smiles hopefully. “Don’t keep me waiting.”
Confusion washes over me like a wave, but I can’t…I can’t deny him in front of everyone.
I need to move on, I can’t keep thinking about that damn Giuliano Ferrara.
Maybe this is how it’s supposed to be?
Why wouldn’t he do this in private?
My eyes flick to my mother and she smiles sadly as if reading my mind.
“Well?” He smiles up at me.
He’s a wonderful man, who loves me, and who, up until five days ago when I went to that stupid funeral, I was happy with.
Even if I was going to say no, I wouldn’t do it in front of others.
I owe him that much respect.
I nod and force a smile, I watch on as he slides the ring on my finger and I stare at my hand.
My heart sinks, my life is one big colossal fuckup.
This can’t be happening.
The restaurant is busy and bustling. My family are laughing and celebrating.
I want to crawl under the table and die.
The waiter brings a bottle of the best champagne and we watch as he pops the cork. He pours six glasses and passes them out.
“A toast,” Andrea says.
We all hold our glasses together. “To a lifetime of happiness.”
“Giuliano,” Anna says.
We all turn to see Giuliano has just arrived, he’s wearing a black shirt and jeans. My heart constricts just from seeing him.
Oh no.
“Hello,” he says politely.
“Hello,” everyone replies, my mother tilts her chin to the sky, annoyed to be sharing air with him.
“I’m so sorry about your mother,” Andrea says.
“My deepest condolences,” Matteo says, they both stand and shake his hand.
Giuliano nods. “Thank you.”
Anna stands and kisses his cheek and he gives her a genuine smile. “Hi, Anna.”
Seeing him so broken and vulnerable at the funeral has opened a part of my heart to him that I thought was closed forever.
I sit, glued to the chair, desperately wishing that I could stand and kiss his cheek too.
Not being able to touch him is a torture of epic proportions.
“Join us, we’re celebrating,” Matteo, my brother, says. “Francesca and Marcel just got engaged tonight.”
Giuliano’s eyes flick to me.
Dear God.